(M33) disregards my (F32) overt boundaries
A woman (32F) in a six-month relationship with her boyfriend (33M) is struggling with his repeated disregard for her boundaries. While the relationship progressed quickly, issues such as physical and emotional disrespect, flirty behavior with other women, and subtle negging have made her question his maturity and intentions.
Despite her attempts to address the problems and even break up, he manages to comfort her and convince her to stay. She wonders if his behavior is a result of immaturity or if it’s indicative of deeper issues. Read the original story below.
‘ (M33) disregards my (F32) overt boundaries’
We’ve only been together 6 months, but the relationship progressed quickly. He’s asked about moving in together, but I’m hesitant because I don’t know if he’s ignoring my boundaries or just still learning how to be a good partner. Respecting physical boundaries means a great deal to me, but he disregards my overt requests.
He used to pull at my hair and clothes, even pulling up my skirt up in public. It kept escalating until he put his hands around my throat in a restaurant while making eye contact with me. Everyone stared and I cried once we got in the car. He apologized and things have improved since, which gives me hope he’s just still maturing.
He also holds different emotional boundaries with friends than I’m comfortable with. He’s “friends” with some 23 year old woman who constantly goes to him for advice about her relationship. He talks to me about how s**tty her boyfriend is, but I point out he does a lot of the same stuff.
He took months to tell a female friend who has a crush on him that I existed and then lied to me about hanging out with her. He exchanges flirty texts with women and lies to me about it. I’ve spoken to him about these behaviors countless times and while he doesn’t repeat the same mistakes, he seems to just make new ones.
He also negs me a little. He tells me I’m “so smart” and he’s “used to dating hot girls,” a subtle implication that I’m not. He never tells me I’m beautiful unless we’re in public around his friends or family when he showers me with compliments.
I’ve tried to break up with him over these issues, but he always manages to fix it and comfort me. I’ve never been a jealous partner, but this is making me insecure and mistrusting. I don’t trust it won’t all happen again, but maybe he’s just on a longer learning curve since he’s used to dating much younger women who don’t speak up for themselves.
Here’s what Redditors had to say:
Glitterbugtoo − It’s been 6 months and he’s 33. He is as matured as he will get. Get out, you don’t need this.
YouKnowYourCrazy − OP, never date someone for what they “might” be. Date them for who they are. And this guy is red flag city.
InfamousFlan − I’ve tried to break up with him over these issues, but he always manages to fix it and comfort me. You don’t need his permission to break up, just stop responding to his calls and messages. You don’t have to explain yourself again.
Soundtheory34 − That is way too many red flags for a fairly new relationship. I also don’t buy a 33 yr old not knowing about boundaries. He knows. That’s why he keeps changing tactics when you call our his behavior.
I’d really like to know how he “fixed” publicly choking you, because if anyone did that to me, there would be no fixing anything. There would be “get the f**k out of my life” and blocking him everywhere.
He’s already crossed multiple boundaries and he’s shown that he’s conniving and skeevy and that every time you make a new boundary, he will just cross another unstated one. You’ve only been together six months! Do not let him move in with you! He is a**sive and a c**ater. You will spend every minute never feeling safe or secure with this guy!
I suggest you call a friend or someone close to you and have them be with you while you break up. Don’t give him a chance to fix anything. Just tell him it’s over and leave. Or call him on the phone say “it’s over” hang up and block his number and block him on everything. If this man really cared about you, he would respect you, not find other ways to terrorize you after you’ve set clear boundaries.
rmric0 − just still learning how to be a good partner. Listening when someone tells you “no” is something that most people learn to navigate in pre-school – this is a 30-year-old man. He is choosing to treat you badly, he is choosing to disregard you boundaries because he is an abuser.
It kept escalating until he put his hands around my throat in a restaurant. Get gone, 100%. If he keeps trying to draw you back him then ghost him like f**king Swayze.
lissy51886 − Gives you hope that he’s still maturing? Dude is 33 years old, he’s as mature as he’s ever going to be and on top of being immature he sounds like an ass. Run.
Dollface40 − When someone shows you who they are, believe it
Siorchana − Nope nope nope. Don’t let him move in and honestly? A good partner never ever puts his hands on you in that way. He showed you whom he is, believe him and cut him loose. This is kit good.
caitmeister − Constantly explaining your boundaries to someone sounds exhausting, and if he’s making you do that, he’s being disrespectful.
What are your thoughts on setting boundaries in relationships, and how should one respond if they’re consistently disregarded? Do you believe this man’s actions stem from immaturity, or do they signal deeper incompatibilities? How would you handle a situation where trust is repeatedly tested? Share your perspective below!