It seems people are not very interested in keeping me in their lives, and I [26F] am not sure why.

A 26-year-old woman reflects on her struggle to maintain long-lasting friendships despite being sociable and liked. Though she’s come a long way from her shy and socially awkward youth, her connections often fade over time, leaving her feeling perplexed and wondering if the issue lies with her or sheer bad luck. Read her story below.

‘ It seems people are not very interested in keeping me in their lives, and I [26F] am not sure why.’

I used to be a very shy and socially awkward kid and never had many friends growing up. However in my teenage years I had a ‘glowup’ and developed more and more social skills and nowadays I have no social anxiety anymore and find it generally easy to meet and talk to new people. I feel like I am generally liked and I don’t feel excluded.

However, there is a thing I’ve noticed which is that friendships don’t seem to stick around a lot of the time. By that I mean, people that I’ve met and then don’t see them that often anymore for some reason, don’t seem interested in staying in contact. For example old coworkers. In my first job people hung out in private a lot and we all got along awesomely. However after I left, noone tried to stay in contact with me. I tried to keep it up somewhat but it fizzled out eventually. I know however that some people from that job are still friends to this day and meet, whereas I have not seen or heard from anyone from there in years.

And that is just one example, but that seems to be how it goes usually. I have one friend who has been around for 7 years which is great, but apart from that, I have a hard time finding people who really want to stick around, if you know what I mean? It’s like when I’m part of a friend group I seem liked and don’t feel like they value me less than the others, but then when someone would have to make an effort to keep me in their lives they just don’t.

And I compare it to what I see from other people. For example I was pretty tight with a few people in high school, so about 8 years ago. I know that they or at least some of them are still close friends, while I have not heard anything from any of them since.. well 8 years. Any advice? Am I just unlucky or is it something about me?. Tl,dr: It seems like even people who like me don’t try hard to stay in my life, and I don’t have many lasting friendships. Anything I can do about that?

See what others had to share with OP:

outfrogafrog −  Honestly sounds pretty normal based on your one example. For instance, I’m very friendly and outgoing at work and have a lot of work friends. Occasionally we’ll hang out together outside of work, but generally these people are all work friends, not friend-friends. I’ve been working professionally for five years now and I’ve only become true friends with one person from work. Around coworkers, no matter how close you are at work, there’s [generally] always a layer of professionalism that’s there preventing me from truly being my realest self the way I am around my actual friends.

Remember friendships are a two way street. You have to put in effort to maintain that relationship, but just as much, that person has to as well. But not everyone is willing to do that, especially as we get older. Keep being yourself and hopefully you’ll find more real, genuine friends.

Perfectionkun −  I’m in the same boat so I understand how you feel. But it’s happened so often that I’m just use to it and expect it. You’re just you and there’s nothing wrong with that. If people don’t wanna stay, then that’s on them. Nothing you need to change. The right people will stick around in your life, even if it’s just a few. Don’t let it get to you and definitely don’t change yourself so people will be more inclined to stick around. You got this, I believe in you.

chocksi −  This is pretty normal. I’ve noticed that people tend to all be friends “as a group” but can’t seem to hang out with each other 1:1. In other words, if the group isn’t hanging out as a whole then people aren’t going to just hang out with each other. This tells me that people aren’t REALLY friends with each other and might not feel compelled to hang out if someone leaves the group since they don’t feel like they’re very close in the individual sense.

OldOne999 −  Be more assertive and reach out to your old friends on a 1 on 1 basis and try to spend time with them catching up. 1 on 1 friendships last longer than group friendships because people can talk about a wider range of subjects. Also, try to make friends at work…again on a 1 on 1 basis.

Ok, so i’m biased and I prefer 1 on 1 friendships but you should seriously consider having multiple 1 on 1 friendships and maybe have a group of casual friends as well that you hang out on the side that you can meet by joining casual sports leagues such as for volleyball and such.

forestgreen2 −  I can definitely relate! I don’t have many close friends and I don’t click with people too easily. As I get older, I’m realizing how hard it is to keep a friendship going, especially when my friends are getting married or entering different life stages.

I’ve had to do most of the initiating with some of my friends, and I’ve found that when I don’t initiate, they never do – which is when the friendship dies. So now I’m just learning to focus my attention on myself and the friends who do reach out reciprocally. I don’t want to waste my efforts on people who don’t care about me. Focus on you and what makes you happy. When you find something you’re passionate about, you’re likely to find others who feel the same – thus creating more bonding opportunities.

It’s not an easy thought process to change because I do get stuck in my head. I’m the girl who has to introduce herself three or four times before people finally remember me. But thinking positively and remembering the friends that do care definitely help.

YellowSkalypso −  This just reminded me im not anybodys favorite person and i am just kind of there. Depressing. Hang in there OP. Theres lot of us in this situation.

angrybuddha20 −  Use to have this problem. Your everyones friends but also no ones “friend”. Just make an effort to befriend further those people you genuinely like. Dont count on others to initiate (actually dont count on anyone to do anything ever lol). I guess my only advice would be to initiate more!

I always had this problem growing up. Always wondered why I seemed to get left behind. When in actually I was just leaving myself behind. Didnt even notice this happening until a girl at work made an effort to befriend me. Then I saw it from the other side. Since figuring that out, I have a lot more great one on one relationships.

[Reddit User] −  Am I just unlucky or is it something about me? It’s probably a combination of both on some level. Your post made me think about my group of high school friends. Originally there were five of us, and we were all super close. Four of the five of us have stayed in close contact, but this fifth person didn’t. There really wasn’t one huge reason why that happened, but it was a lot of small, cascading factors.

1) Some people put off a vibe that they’re not “available” to be a friend. How much do you reach out to them vs them reaching out to you? In the case of this friend I mentioned, she never reached out, and it made us feel like we were doing all the work. Also, she would also mention other people/places/activities that we had no context for, and the whole thing sent a message that she had “moved on” with her life. Maybe something like this is happening for you?

2) How deep were these relationships? You mention that it was hard to make friends growing up, but it’s easier to talk to people now. In my experience, there’s a big difference between just knowing how to have a conversation vs. sharing deeply and having a close connection with people. Maybe you’re sharing in a way that keeps people at a distance, or people perceive you as being “shut off” in some way. 3) Could just be plain ol’ bad luck, or not having met your people yet. It happens. The important thing is to keep trying. Therapy can help with a lot of these things, if you’re into that.

[Reddit User] −  This isn’t all that uncommon as you get older. Not saying it’s everybody’s normal.

Lickerbomper −  It’s not you. It’s common. My theory is that people are afraid of investing their time and emotion on someone, only for terrible things to happen. Who hasn’t been betrayed by a friend? Who hasn’t felt that sensation of being gutted from the core?