I (m 26) am struggling with partner’s ( 34f) inheritance. Can you please help me get over my sense of entitlement?

A 26-year-old man is struggling with feelings of entitlement regarding his partner’s recent inheritance. His partner, who is 34, inherited $200k after the passing of a relative, and soon after, she began expressing plans to use it for paying off debt and making investments.

The man feels conflicted, as their financial situation has always been stressful, and he has invested his own money into their shared home. He is frustrated by the disparity in how they handle finances, including a gift-giving situation during the holidays. He is seeking advice on how to overcome these feelings and gain perspective on the inheritance.

‘ I (m 26) am struggling with partner’s ( 34f) inheritance. Can you please help me get over my sense of entitlement?’

Hi all. My head is kind of spinning and I was hoping to get an outside perspective on financial situations within my relationship. My partner and I have been together five years and make roughly the same amount of money a year.

She purchased a home in February of 2022 after being gifted 100k from her father as the down payment. The home was a bit more pricy than was realistic for our finances, but as she was the one making the purchase, I didn’t have that much input on final say.

That said, we split monthly payment for mortgage + bills, which is honestly more than I’d want to spend each month. Since we have moved in, I’ve invested over 7k of my own money; new washer and dryer, a new fridge, and half of the cost of the AC installation.

She recently agreed to deduct $100 off of my rent for two years to equal the cost of the fridge. This agreement came after she dumped me for a week before we eventually got back together after seeing a couples therapist, which is another long story.

We recently both accumulated quite a bit of credit card debt. Mine mostly due to the aforementioned appliances and hers due to cancer treatment for her cat. We frequently would discuss our stresses over finances and our plans to get back on track.

Three days ago, she found out she is inheriting close to 200k from the passing of a relative. While at the funeral for said relative, her father assured her of her inheritance of him which will be a few million. I feel so guilty to admit that the moment she shared this, I felt kind of deflated.

She shared of excitement to be debt free and the investments she wants to make and the trips she wants to go on. She is now on this “environmental kick” where she only wants to purchase sustainable and thus more expensive items, with the implication being I pay for half.

Today, as I was discussing finance stressors as I talked about our plans for family gifts, she looked at me and said, “it’s okay, I have debt too!” Then back tracked after realizing what she said. We have always had a challenging time with finances.

Last Christmas, I spent a stupid amount to get her a dream gift and she didn’t get me anything until nearly two months later. She eventually got me a nice jacket which I love to this day. I think what hurt was just her total lack of effort.

Had she made me a card or painted me a picture or anything, it would’ve been different. But she just didn’t. I feel a lot of hurt of the routine in our relationship, both financially and otherwise.

I have only focused on the negative aspects but I do love her and we do have a lot of fun together when we are in a good groove. I’m just really struggling with her new inheritance.

I come from poor parents but my mother always goes above and beyond for her on holidays while her father barely acknowledges me and instead gives her a lump sum that she never shares. I feel angry with myself and my sense of entitlement.

I just want you Reddit folks to help humble me with outside perspective and to help me get my head out of my own b**t over this inheritance.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

WildlyUninteresting −  Why are you constantly living outside your means? You are really letting her dictate your life. It’s not leading anywhere positive.
Time to rethink your entire finances. Live by your requirements.

FitSprinkles6307 −  You need to get that $7k back because appliances and ac stay in the house (because you’re not going to want to haul and washer/dryer/refrigerator and the ac unit can’t be moved). Not to mention she’s dumped you once already. Putting yourself in a financial bind for someone who has more financial freedom is beyond stupid.

buttercupcake23 −  Uhhh please explain why you purchased appliances for HER house? You also should not live with her unless the rent is less than what YOU would pay for a place YOU chose.

If she lowers the rent to less than what you might pay living in a place you chose, you can live with her. Otherwise move out. Finally, reconsider being in a relationship with someone who is all take and no give and does not see you as a partner shes building a future with.

lookthepenguins −  You’re not struggling with her inheritance, you’re struggling with the fact that she’s exploiting you financially.

carrawayseed −  It’s hard think about the positives when you are being financially exploited by your partner. You aren’t struggling with her inheritance, what you are dealing with is her the fact that you have been financially struggling to enable her to live beyond her means and now that she’s getting more, all she’s thinking about is how to spend it.

And once again, she expects you to pay more for things because she can afford it. You should do a bit of study about personal financing and get out of the exploitative relationship.

NYCStoryteller −  So are you paying her rent (and she is the sole owner of the house), or was this a joint purchase? Is there any written documentation about it, either in the form of a lease for you or a cohabitation agreement, or a joint ownership document?

Is the amount you’re paying her each month comparable to what you’d otherwise be paying in rent if she didn’t own this house? Her inheritance is HER money, period. She doesn’t have to share it.

But you SHOULD have some serious conversations about how her inheritance + her income = a different lifestyle than you can afford on solely YOUR income, and you may need to talk about how you can split bills more equitably vs. 50/50.

Likewise, if she’s decided she wants to only buy sustainable products, but they cost 20% more than the standard brand, then perhaps she should pay 60/40 on those products.

Lilac-Roses-Sunsets −  She is using you. Wake up and get out.

WritPositWrit −  She didn’t get you anything for Christmas last year??? That’s not having “a challenging time with finances,” thats her being a selfish j**k.
Good thing you’re in couples therapy.

I suggest you talk about both issues there (the lack of effort on her part, and her cluelessness about your current struggle under debt). Also, stop stretching yourself like this. Stop agreeing to purchases you can’t afford. Make yourself a budget to help pay off the debt.

friedonionscent −  You’re going to end up broke and homeless if you continue on this naive trajectory. You’re blowing up your credit cards trying to maintain a lifestyle that is beyond your earning capacity without the luxury of knowing family money will come in to save the day.

You have no family money and this girl is *not* stupid…or generous. She wants eco products? Cool. She can buy those. She wants home improvements? Cool. She can pay for those because it’s increasing the value of *her* home. You’re just a tenant. Live within *your* means only, not hers.