I (58M) feel like I never really knew my wife (57f) after seeing the way she handled finding out about our daughters (25f) actions

A Redditor is struggling with his emotions after his 25-year-old daughter cheated on her boyfriend, got pregnant, and was exposed by a friend. While he feels disgusted by her actions, his wife has been completely supportive of their daughter, even blaming the boyfriend. This reaction has left him questioning whether he ever really knew his wife. Now, he’s unsure how to handle the situation. Read the original story below…

‘ I (58M) feel like I never really knew my wife (57f) after seeing the way she handled finding out about our daughters (25f) actions’

My daughter Anna (25F) cheated on her boyfriend Adam (27M) who I have an amazing relationship with and is now pregnant. The child is not his. The other man doesn’t know yet. Adam was on a business trip that lasted about 3 weeks. After he came back I assume Anna told him about the pregnancy because he called and said he wanted to propose and If I had any tips for him.

Three days later he comes to drop a wailing Anna off at our house with all of her belongings. Apparently, Anna’s friend told him about the cheating. That is the only thing she told us through the crying Adam didn’t say anything he just took her stuff out of the car and drove off. I was, and still am , deeply disgusted with my daughter.

I did my best to raise her well and I can’t believe she would do this. I am not able to offer Her any comfort or support because I just can’t justify her actions. She is my daughter and I love her but I feel such deep disgust. What she did is despicable. I texted Adam, asking if he was okay. He said he’ll be fine.

As if these conflicting emotions regarding my daughter weren’t enough, I have some about my wife and the way she is handling this. My wife Mary as soon as she saw Anna crying started to yell at Adam asking what happened , cursing at him after he ignored her. Her reaction just added to my shock. I brought Anna inside while she was yelling and cursing.

We comforted her, gave her water and sugar when she told us what happened through tears. My wife was shushing her , telling her it was going to be okay. But then she started saying things like “you’ll find someone better” , “he wasn’t man enough anyway” which disturbed me. She doesn’t see anything wrong with what she said.

I told Her that our daughter did something terrible and nearly got away with doing that to someone and that she shouldn’t be validated . I’m not saying we should insult her, but we shouldn’t validate her choices either. She disagrees and says she needs our support. I really don’t know what to do. I’m disgusted by both of them , but at the same time they’re my wife and daughter.

This is the fourth day since it happened and Anna is posting on her Facebook things like “Men are trash” and badmouthing her friend who told Adam. I dont really talk to her. Mary told me “don’t you dare talk to her about Adam”. I started spending more time out of the house. What do I do. I really need advice on how to handle this.

Check out how the community responded:

FormalNoodle −  I think you’re right to feel the way you do, your wife and daughter are the ones who reacted that way and made mistakes. Her boyfriend isn’t the cause of your daughter cheating, and that’s some self internal issues your daughter needs to face. Your wife is probably just in a mother bear state and has rose colored glasses on, thinking her baby couldn’t do anything wrong.

Have you tried being open with your wife about accepting the fact your daughter DID cheat on her boyfriend? I suggest working with your wife and coming up with some kind of plan before you go to your daughter with anything. Your daughter is a grown women who can make grown up mistakes without being lectured about it.
(Sorry if that doesn’t make a lot of sense.)

MammothPapaya0 −  My wife Mary as soon as she saw Anna crying started to yell at Adam asking what happened , cursing at him after he ignored her. Her reaction just added to my shock. Mama bear came out to protect her daughter. At this point momma bear didn’t know the details so her reaction is understandable.

This is the fourth day since it happened and Anna is posting on her Facebook things like “Men are trash” and badmouthing her friend who told Adam. Tell her she’s welcome to stay with you guys for a while but you didn’t raise her to be this person and tell her you don’t want her posting trashy stuff like this while living in your house.. Edit: spelling.

bellbeatts −  Water and sugar???????

[Reddit User] −  Take Adam out of the equation here. He isn’t your kid and it’s only going to make this more difficult for you. Sit down with your daughter to talk about why she did this and talk to your wife about how you feel.

There might be something missing in this story or it’ll at least force everyone to think about what’s happened (hopefully honestly). Get a therapist if needed because they’re good at handling these kinds of things.

wombo23 −  Get a DNA test pronto my man

[Reddit User] −  Uh…is your wife aware that your daughter’s baby is not Adam’s baby? Or does she actually expect him to raise another man’s baby?. Is that what I’m reading? Might be time to get a paternity test on your kids. This is why I will never be mad at my fiancé if he asks for a paternity test on our future kids.

hazeleve5 −  You and your wife need to have a conversation, but not right now. Emotions are running high and you are all under so much stress. Your lives have been thrown into uproar and you need to collect your thoughts. What Anna did was inexcusable, no matter what else was going on.

That’s just flat-out s**tty. That said, she \*is\* your daughter, and she is more likely to listen to “you messed up” from someone who loves her unconditionally. And \*that\* said, you are well within your rights to be angry at her and hurt on behalf of Adam; the guy you viewed as a son, as part of your family, was betrayed in such a cruel way.

You’re allowed to grieve the loss of a family you thought you had and to feel terribly for him. Assuming you want to reconcile with both of them eventually, I’d offer these suggestions. I’m not an expert, but I was a mental health counselor and mediator before. If you talk to Anna, I’d suggest writing out what you plan to say ahead of time so that you don’t lose your cool.

Tell her that you love her deeply, but her actions hurt not just Adam and her unborn child, but you as well. Don’t bring up how you raised her (it’s a guilt tactic that, while common, doesn’t work). Keep it to how \*you\* feel, not to how Adam feels or how you think she should feel: you love her, you’re confused and feel betrayed as well,

be honest that you’re angry about what happened (you can state this calmly), that you feel hurt. That might help her contextualize how her actions have hurt multiple people in her life. This isn’t actually making it about you; it’s being honest. As for your wife… Emotions are running high now, but I would also be disturbed by her comment–not the initial yelling at Adam, but after she realized.

That said, denial is also a stage of grief and she may be in it at the moment (it’s a way of entering survival mode when your life is turned upside down). She may in fact be in denial. But I would tell her after a few days that you love her and you love Anna, but that you were really shocked by what she said. Don’t use “why”; ask “what did you mean by that?”

(Why puts people on the defensive, so you can ask the same thing in different words.) Tell her how such a comment made you feel rather than the questions it brought up about your wife’s character: you felt upset because you feel betrayed by your daughter, you’re hurt that Adam was hurt in such a way, you don’t want to excuse this kind of behavior even though you love both her and Anna.

Try to come up with a plan for how to move forward with Anna \*together\* as a united front (which might also help reinforce to Anna how healthy relationships work). Hopefully you will both agree that what Anna did is wrong and her reaction was just an automatic “no matter what I love you,” and denial.

What support are you emotionally able to offer her? What are you not able to do? (If you can’t pretend you’re excited about the pregnancy, don’t.) If she stays in your house, maybe she has to see a therapist and work as a condition.

Even say that badmouthing Adam is not on the cards around you, because Adam is someone you care a lot about; even if she is the one who is your daughter, she should respect that (it’s just rude to badmouth someone in front of one of their friends/loved ones).

Understand that you and your wife are potentially both able to offer different kinds of support, and that doesn’t make you less supportive, and it doesn’t \*inherently\* make your wife an enabler (though it does sound like that could be the case; her initial comments certainly are enabling, but I think it depends on how she feels after the initial turmoil). Good luck with all of this. Take care.

lcacroi −  I think that you have a right to feel how you feel but I also think that you’re waaay too worried about Adam. Your daughter did something wrong yes but she’s your daughter. You should support her. Now I don’t mean telling her what she did is okay. But tell her even though what she did was wrong you’re there for her bc you’re her family.

I mean honestly your relationship with your family should be a priority to you not your relationship with a bf of your daughter. Your wife went all the way left and you went all the way right. Come together, meet in the middle. Be there together as parents. While this situation was the making of your daughter, she still needs you now more than ever. Be her dad

IDontNeedARichBoy −  A quote my mum has used more than once “I’ll always love you but I don’t like you very much right now”. You can love and support her while telling her she fucked up.

Syphorce −  You are having very mature feelings about the situation. You want to defend your daughter and help her move forward without validating her actions. You’re going to have to play politics on this and talk to your wife

and daughter separately before talking to them as a group. There is no shame in bringing in professional help to mediate the situation. They just went from engagement to separation without a father for the soon to be born child. Damn..

How should a parent balance love and accountability when their child makes a serious mistake? Should his wife’s reaction be a red flag, or is it just a mother’s instinct to protect her child? Share your thoughts below!