I (35M) am turned off by my (33F) behavior towards one of her male friends. How to proceed?

A man (35M) is feeling uneasy about his girlfriend’s (33F) friendship with a male friend, Steve, and his trust has been shaken. Despite her being friendly and open, her closeness with Steve, including intimate photos and solo outings, has raised red flags.

The man is uncomfortable with the situation and is unsure how to approach his girlfriend about his concerns, especially regarding whether they’ve ever dated and the lack of transparency.

‘ I (35M) am turned off by my (33F) behavior towards one of her male friends. How to proceed?’

My partner and I have been together for two years and it’s been a great time. Occasionally she has given me reason to double think her intentions with other men. I attribute it to her being pretty and friendly. This week made me shut down. My partner has a “friend” we will just call Steve.

He used to live on the same street as her now deceased grandma. She has mentioned it’s an important connection for those reasons. When we first started dating she told me she was going to HH (happy hour edit) with him…I trusted it and pushed forward.

Then she showed me pictures of them and they were literally cheek to cheek touching. He’s a single bi guy who dates women. Before they hung out the first time I knew about she told me he had just went through a break up.

I mentioned how I felt the relationship was weird and it bothered me that she sought solace in this individual who knew her grandma. Any chance I’ve had to meet him he ironically can’t.

Fast forward to this past week we were talking and she mentioned oh I texted Steve on my grandmas birthday and he mentioned he’s in town I’m going to meet him for happy hour. She didn’t invite me or even offer the chance to meet him. She never talked about it or anything.

The past two days we haven’t spoken I especially feel weird in my gut. Now the weekend is here and we have plans with her other friends I don’t even want to see through. How do I communicate again that this bothers or even ask if they once dated

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

RamKay33 −  Has she ever made you feel insecure about anyone else?

Acceptablepops −  Somebody stop the fuckin cap and tell dude if it smell Like b**lshit then you stepped in it. Grammy didn’t die recently and dude doesn’t wanna meet up but everyone’s gonna call you insecure lol cmon bro. You’re not winning this one you gotta let her go.

MonteLukast −  Is she actively avoiding you meeting Steve? Did Steve live on grandma’s street as a kid or recently? What are the plans with friends that you don’t want to do now?

DocSternau −  You’ve been with her for two years and don’t know how to speak with her? What kind of relationship are you in? You go to her and start with: “Hey XY, I need to talk to you about your friend Steve.” Than you tell her what bothers you and ask your questions. That’s how conversations work.

Fun_Concentrate_7844 −  Use your voice. I’m guessing telepathy isn’t going to work.

razzledazzle626 −  First and foremost, her being pretty and friendly is not a valid reason for you to actually doubt her intentions with other men. I think you need to let her know that your insecurities are getting the best of you and you just want to know whether they have any history together beyond friendship.

Don’t make any accusations, because she doesn’t appear to have done anything wrong in this post. It’s fair to ask the question so long as you don’t project the issue onto her, which would absolutely cause issues if she’s 100% innocent.

You can also use your words and ask to meet him. It isn’t her responsibility to proactively introduce you to every friend in her life. If she expresses any hesitancy after you actually ask to meet him, then concern would be more valid.

ASmollFrog −  It sounds like a larger conversation needs to be had. I’d ask (maybe when you’re not stressed about big group hangs and such) to book some time, just the two of you to chat about some things that are making you feel weird.

Make sure you come at it from an angle of “I feel XYZ because…” and not “YOU doing this makes me feel XYZ” because that’s usually a good way to get people super defensive. Hopefully you can both get some clarity on the situation.

Bluestreetwonder −  You need to speak to her very clearly what you are thinking before this entire situation snowballs into resentment and leads to separation

Hotpinkyratso −  She’s already dating him. Tell her the next time she goes out with him you are going out on a date too. BTW, I am assuming you don’t live together.. Updateme

Oohkbutnotokay −  How can you ask question? Using big boy words. 2 years in and you are too worried to have this conversation, something that should have come up much earlier to set expectations. You have a calm conversation at the nearest face to face opportunity about her history with him.

Gauge her responses. Ask why he just always happens to not be available whenever you are trying to meet. It’s a little suspicious but no smoking gun by a long way. In these situations I advise to ignore all the shaming language around insecurity.

Having intuition over behaviour types come from the experience of spending time with the person, something no one else has here but you. That being said, just because it may be logical to intuit something, it still may not turn out to be a problem.