I (34F) asked my husband (43M) for a divorce, how do I tell my son (13M)?

A 34-year-old woman shares her concerns about telling her 13-year-old son that she has asked her husband (43M) for a divorce. They’ve been together for 11 years, with her husband having been a consistent father figure in her son’s life since he was a toddler. While the relationship was once positive, the last six years have been marked by negativity and rudeness from her husband.

As she navigates the difficult decision to end the marriage, she seeks advice on how to approach telling her son, who loves her husband and refers to him as “dad.” Read on for more details and insights from others who have been in similar situations.

‘ I (34F) asked my husband (43M) for a divorce, how do I tell my son (13M)?’

I (34F) asked my husband (43M) for a divorce. We’ve been together for 11 years. Relevant background info:he met me when I was a single mom in college. He lived only a mile away from me, I was making a 2 hour bus ride to and from college with a 2 year old at the time. My son (13M) has been involved with, my husband who helped raise him since he was barely a toddler.

My son loves him and calls him “dad” despite him having active contact with his bio-dad. He sees bio dad every other weekend and extra time during breaks from school. My husband has been his tertiary parent for so long. I just can’t be in this relationship any more. My relationship was so good for our first 5 years, my husband was kind, supportive, and loving.

But the last 6 years he’s just been mean, negative, and constantly rude to me. I’ve tried so long to tell him how I feel because of how he treats me but nothing changes. I have to do to my self what I’ve been asking of him, I have to treat myself with the respect and kindness to get out. I just don’t know how to tell my son. Please any advice is appreciated. I don’t have a plan or anywhere to go yet, I just need help.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

lordmwahaha −  The number one thing I would suggest: Make sure he knows it is not his fault. Because most adults don’t even *think* of that (because to them, it’s obvious), but that’s almost always where the child’s brain goes. It is very, very common for the kid to just assume it’s their fault their parents are divorcing.

I would explain to him, in an age appropriate way, that sometimes people change and relationships don’t work out. Don’t smear his dad – it’s not his business what his father is like as a husband. Just explain that you’ve both changed as people, you’ve reprioritised your lives, and the relationship is no longer working because of it. And that this is a normal part of life that many people experience.

NYCStoryteller −  You tell him that you’re getting a divorce, and that you know that it will be hard for him, and that you will be there for him. Get into family counseling if you can. He has probably seen your husband be unkind to you. You can also tell him that one of the hard things about life is that we can’t control other people,

we can only decide what we’re going to do if someone is unkind to us, and we do not have to stay in relationships with people who do not make a good faith effort to make you feel loved and cared for, and you can’t stay in a relationship with someone who is dismissive and rude.

RavenDorkholme −  Congratulations for valuing yourself enough to walk away, that isn’t easy for people to do. People have already covered ensuring that he knows it isn’t his fault, and not disparaging your ex. Those are really important. All I have to add is that it’s alright for you to tell him that you and your husband just don’t make each other happy anymore.

13 is an age where he is probably starting to understand that other people have feelings, and he would want his parents to be happy. He might have noticed your husband being mean to you if it’s been in front of him. Kids do notice when their parents fight. Be prepared to get him some counselling, and consider some for yourself as well.

Do you have a strong network of friends to rely on? The big difference between my parents’ approach to their divorce is that my mum had other people to complain about my dad’s behaviour to, while my dad will sometimes still relitigate his grievances to me.

keij822 −  I see you want the door to be open for your son and your soon to be ex to have a relationship still. But at the same time, this can be a great teaching moment for your teenage son to learn to always treat women with kindness and respect. As others mentioned, he’s probably seen your husband being mean to you,

and he does need to know that’s not okay, in a way that doesn’t sabotage their potential future relationship. He’s old enough to have some emotional intelligence. Sit him down and tell him the truth, that you realize your husband is a great second father to him and you would love for them to continue their relationship,

but that he isn’t being the kind of person that you need from a husband. And that’s okay. It sucks, it hurts, it’s tough, it’s uncomfortable to navigate sometimes, but everyone’s relationships with each other are all different and yours with your husband just doesn’t work anymore.

Equal_Audience_3415 −  It is important to let him know it is not his fault. It is also important for him to know that you don’t treat women this way. It is not ok. He can continue to have a relationship, but you are out. I would not say anything mean or unkind about him, but I wouldn’t gloss over his actions either.

Physical_Ad5135 −  There is a decent chance that your husband won’t continue a relationship with your son. Maybe he will start out seeing him for a bit each day month and then your ex gets a girlfriend and he no longer has time for your son. Perhaps there is a new step child that takes the place of your son. Get your child into family therapy right away. This will be hard on him.

webshiva −  See if your soon to be ex is willing to go to a few sessions of marriage counseling with the goal to maintain a united front in dealing with your son and the break up. Without new info/perspective, your husband’s nature is to be negative about everything, so he’ll be the same with this situation.

Sometimes miserable people aren’t aware of their misery and how it affects others. I doubt that your husband will turn into Pollyanna after a few sessions, but he may be able to get to the point of mutual detente where he acknowledges the marriage wasn’t working and that you both will be happier going your separate ways.

On some level your son was aware of the fighting and general negativity in the household, so he won’t be surprised. But he will be frightened. To ease his fears, his relationships with all his parents need to remain the same — but all of you need to be careful not to overshare. Divorce is adult business and his focus should be on being a kid.

emptynest_nana −  Your son probably sees more than you realize. Your husband is setting the example of how a man treats his wife, to your son. Is this the example you want your son to live up to, or down to?? You tell that wonderful boy of yours, this isn’t about him. It’s about you and the j**k. You tell your son women, ALL WOMEN, deserve love, trust, respect,

basic human kindness. Your upcoming divorce is about you and husband. The kiddo is just as loved, just as amazing, now, as always. The basis for the divorce isn’t about the kiddo, but it’s also because you want better for him. You want a peaceful, loving, happy home. You don’t have that now. But you will make it happen.