I (32F) don’t know how to handle Thanksgiving with my late husband’s family now that I’m dating (30M).
A 32-year-old woman (F) shares her dilemma about navigating Thanksgiving after the passing of her husband. She’s been dating Alan (30M) for a few months, and while he’s been incredibly supportive of her memories and relationship with her late husband’s family, she’s now faced with a tricky situation.
Her mother-in-law (MIL) has invited her to Thanksgiving, and her mother has invited both her and Alan. She doesn’t want to upset either side, especially since Alan is still adjusting to being part of her life.
But she also doesn’t want to hurt her late husband’s family or risk alienating them. She seeks advice on how to handle this situation without feeling like she’s neglecting anyone. Read the original story below.
‘ I (32F) don’t know how to handle Thanksgiving with my late husband’s family now that I’m dating (30M).’
I’ve (32F) posted here before about how my husband (33M) passed away and I was starting to date again. I got a lot of good advice so I’m hoping you guys can help me out one more time. After months of dating around, I met Alan (30M) at the end of the summer. He is smart, funny, adorable, and accepts all of my baggage.
He is extremely accepting of my memories of my late husband and has made no demands of me; I still have pictures up and tell stories from time to time. Alan isn’t bothered and supports me unconditionally. Well, since it’s been a few months he’s met my mom and she invited him to Thanksgiving. (She adores him, for the record.)
I was excited because he’ll get to meet the rest of my family and his family lives out of state so he’s used to spending the holiday by himself because of work. I’m still very close with my late husband’s family, especially his mom. She and I regularly meet up for lunch. His family is aware of the relationship with Alan and supportive, but understandably sad.
This hasn’t been an issue until today, when my MIL invited me to the family Thanksgiving. Last year, my husband and I didn’t attend their dinner because he was feeling sick. I still feel bad about that. Well, if I was alone it would be no problem. I’d stop by my mom’s, then make an appearance at my MIL’s. Except now Alan will be with me.
Both my mom and my MIL live in the suburbs of the city where I live, so it’s a 40 minute drive there (sometimes longer in traffic). It would be silly to drive Alan all the way home and then drive all the way back and all the way home again, all on Thanksgiving. Taking Alan into my MIL’s is out of the question, in my opinion.
Leaving him in the car seems cruel, especially because I know she wants me to visit, not just pop in and out. And to be honest, I don’t want to drive separately because it’s a waste of money and selfishly I’m looking forward to the drive to my mom’s with Alan.
So what do I do here? It’s been hard enough breaking the news to my late husband’s family about having a boyfriend, and Alan has been so understanding about everything I don’t want to abuse that patience or prioritize my MIL over him. But they’re still my family.. See my problem?.
See what others had to share with OP:
Scion41790 − If its at all feasible and you are willing to do it I would just drive separately. That way you can enjoy thanksgiving with your mom and new bf but still stop by your late husbands family celebration. From your post this is the first holiday without him so I think it would mean a lot for you to come.
Also do not bring the new guy, I wouldn’t even ask MIL if its cool to bring him. This is one of those situations where people are going to be a little raw and even if they thinks its cool before hand may not take it well as its happening. So to sum up go if you can but just have the new bf drive himself.
pokerbrowni − If Alan is really a cool guy, maybe he could either hang out at your parents for an hour or two, or he could drop you off at the MIL’s house, then take the car and go to a movie. If I put myself in his shoes, I don’t think I’d even bat an eye at a request like that as long as I have a car so I’m not stuck somewhere waiting for you.
minks97 − I feel like other people have answered this question well, so if I may, can I ask a question that is genuine and has no hateful intent – how were you ready to date again so quickly after losing your husband?
As I say, no judgement WHATSOEVER, I’m genuinely curious. My mother was made a widow when I was 7, and it took her over 10 years before she was able to even consider thinking of someone else.
I’m 26 now, and with the love of my life and future husband. If anything happened to him, I don’t think I’d even be able to function properly, let alone date again after one year. What was that process like? Again, I must stress, I have no judgment or hate here. Completely and sincerely interested.
cory44 − It doesn’t take THAT much money to drive separately for 40 minutes. What is that, like $5 worth of gas or less to go there and back? Also, it’s pretty… excessive that you feel like you can’t miss out on 80 minutes of driving with your new BF.
Driving separately is the logical solution and your reasons for not wanting to do it are really strange and flimsy. It seems like you just don’t want to do this. If that’s the case, then don’t. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to. You don’t have to come up with weird and flimsy reasons not to, that just makes it awkward.
ZeusMN85 − And to be honest, I don’t want to drive separately because it’s a waste of money and selfishly I’m looking forward to the drive to my mom’s with Alan. You might have to take your selfishness out of the equation on this one and have you and Alan drive separately. That way you can attend both events and Alan can head home after your family dinner.
Your MIL wouldn’t have invited you if they didn’t want you to attend, and given that you missed last year, you attending this year would probably mean a lot. And as you said, bringing Alan to your in-laws is not a good idea, don’t do that.
If you tell your MIL that you aren’t attending because you selfishly don’t want to drive separately from your new beau you will do nothing but damage your relationship with your in-laws, maybe permanently.
It’s the holidays, a time to put others above yourself and be selfless. You and Alan will have other opportunities to drive in a car together, don’t push your in-laws aside because of your selfish wants..
[Reddit User] − I would drive separately. I know it sucks, but I think in the long run its the most convenient instead of making Alan find something else to do while you’re gone or the in-laws get e reminder of how vastly different this thanksgiving is.
toast1560 − Since it’s the first Thanksgiving since your husband passed away, you should go to his family’s dinner alone. It’s not that big a deal to take to cars and then get back together when the dinner is over.
I get it’s a hassle but this is a pretty unique situation and you don’t want to cause any one pain because of gas money. Maybe Alan can stay at your mother’s until you come back? In any event I’m sure he can manage a few hours alone while you spend time with your husband’s family.
rainyreminder − Just talk to her about it and see what her feelings are. She may–understandably–not want someone that she may see as her son’s “replacement” in her house, but also…you’re 32. Your life hasn’t ended, and it’s going to go on whether your MIL wants it to or not.
You both want to keep your relationship, and she’s going to have to reckon with your life continuing on. Obviously it’s not like she has to do that this second or at this holiday, but eventually it will need to happen if you are going to continue to be close.
VividOpposite − Just be honest with your MIL. Remind her that you are in the early stages of a a new relationship and that the two of you have plans for the day. Try to make a date to see her and family over the weekend or early the next week.
[Reddit User] − Thanksgiving is not the place to drop a bomb like this. I think you need to let your mother in law know about Alan and your plans for thanksgiving sooner rather later.
I almost want to tell you to just tell her you’ll be unable to attend her Thanksgiving and maybe go out to lunch to explain the situation in person. Or maybe you can jus tell her and explain the situation and maybe you can get a feel if she still wants you to attend or maybe you should plan to do something later.
How would you handle navigating family holidays in a situation like this? Do you think it’s important to prioritize the feelings of one family over another, or is there a way to balance both? What advice would you offer for maintaining healthy relationships with both families while staying true to your own needs and boundaries? Share your thoughts below!