I [31m] told my girlfriend [30f] that she is not a trophy wife or status symbol and that we are similar in attractiveness, she views it as me calling her old and u**y?
A 31-year-old man is seeking advice after unintentionally hurting his girlfriend’s feelings. In an attempt to address her view of herself as a “trophy wife” and to establish equality in their relationship, he commented on her looks and age, which led her to feel like he thought she was unattractive or “used up.” Now, she’s upset, and he’s unsure of how to approach the situation. Read on for insights and advice on navigating this sensitive conversation.
‘ I [31m] told my girlfriend [30f] that she is not a trophy wife or status symbol and that we are similar in attractiveness, she views it as me calling her old and u**y?’
A bit of background my girlfriend and I are 30 and 31 respectively. We have been dating for about a year. I work as a high-level engineer at a good firm and my girlfriend works as a payroll specialist at a good firm too. I make significantly more than her (3x).
Things were good in our relationship until I showed her my retirement/savings. She now doesn’t see the point of working and has started framing our relationship in that, she is the beautiful one and that I am the nerdy engineer that was lucky to have her.
Before, when we met she was all about making it her own way, eventually starting her own company with her sister in sourcing and recruiting. But now she jokes about driving a Range Rover and wearing Lululemon and going to Yoga.
We were having a discussion again about this ‘trophy wife’ stuff she brought up that I was nerdy back in the day while she was very popular. I told her she is not a trophy wife, that yes she is attractive but its not a huge difference between us.
I told her had it been the case that I met her when she was 22 and I was my current age than sure, but she isn’t 22 anymore. After I said that she just started crying like crazy. She started saying that I think of her as u**y and used up that her best years are behind are. She just told me that if I am not happy to be with her, why am I even here? to stop wasting her time.
I tried to talk to her but she was in no state for a conversation. I don’t know what to say, guys, for me, I just wanted to say that I think we are of similar attractiveness. Like I don’t think anyone when they see us turns their head and is like oh she is with him the cause of money? Or damn he is so lucky to be with her. I think it’s mutual. She was the one that if anything went after my attractiveness first..
What should I do? I like the fact that we both work and I don’t want to change that dynamic. And I don’t want her to think too that she is above me that I am so lucky to have her. I want her to think of us as equals and in my attempt to do that I hurt her feelings. What’s the next move?.
**Tl;Dr- ever since my girlfriend found out about my savings she has more often entertained the idea of being a stay at home wife. She has tried to bring up the fact that she was more attractive than me as justification why I am so lucky to be with her and why I should accept this.**
These are the responses from Reddit users:
betmaster64 − I think there are two perspectives for this:
1) she is insecure and she said that that you guys would be ‘equal’
2) she never thought you guys were equal. Edit: OP, what happened?
[Reddit User] − This seems to be a very textbook case of psychological projection. Because of your discrepancy in salary, she likely feels like she is worth less than you. She likely feels like her best years are behind her, seeing as you took off and are only going up.
Her poking around about her being a trophy wife is her seeking validation that she is not worthless and that you still value her, and her financial contributions are nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t think she is a gold digger, I think she is taking some hits on her self esteem (through no fault of your/ her own). I think some counselling would go a long way here.
Edit: Thank you all for your awards and replies. I appreciate the recognition 🙂 There is a lot to unpack for both the OP and his girlfriend in this situation; but the point is that is *worth* unpacking. Cheers!
italian_stallion94 − Dude, you saved some money, right? Treat yourself with some nice running shoes, some that fit perfectly and you feel comfortable in. Put them on and RUN
examiner007 − I think she feels inadequate because she makes significantly less money than you, and she’s trying to compensate for it by telling herself (and you, and possibly others) that she is prettier/better looking. sorta like, i may not have the $$$, but i have better looks and that makes us “equals.” it’s fucked up and disrespectful to you (and herself).
i would talk to her and make it clear that you don’t see the next 40 years of your life being the sole bread winner. that your prefer a partner who’s also working and managing finances. if you live together, start splitting your rent+other expenses. establish norms that make things equitable. ofc, don’t put her down in the process. i think a lot of this comes from insecurity over her own financial status.
[Reddit User] − time for you to lulu lemme outta here
Ruthless_Bunny − Wow. Lift up the hood and it’s all snakes up in there. She is showing you EXACTLY who she is. What’s more attractive to you? The idea of supporting a grown assed woman? The idea of being with someone who thinks they are more attractive than you are and therefore you OWE her?
The idea of being with someone who, when called on her b**lshit, devolves into a crying guilt machine?. Yuk! I’m turned off. I’d be like the Roadrunner. Beep beep and leaving that coyote in the dust
d0n7w0rry4b0u717 − You’ve only been with her for a year. She’s not worth the drama in my opinion. She’s mad at you for “calling her old and u**y”? She’s the one saying that she’s far more attractive than you, which is pretty much calling you u**y. On top of that, she thinks you called her u**y for saying your attractiveness is similar to yours… once again she’s saying you’re u**y. Why be with someone who thinks you’re u**y?
Then of course she’s being a gold digger. Next time she brings it up maybe say something like “I don’t want a trophy wife. My ideal wife is someone who wants to contribute to our current finances and our future. Also someone who doesn’t think I’m u**y. Then ideally you’d break up with her.
Tambamwham − If you continue to commit to her, you will look back at this moment with nothing but regret for not getting out.
Dbomb18 − I think that the trophy wife nonsense started when she found out how inadequate her money is compared to yours. She was/is ambitious – she wanted success and was confident in her achievements. When she found out that your income created something that SHE wanted to accomplish but is now realizing that she many never get that type of money/success – I think it sent her into a midlife crisis.
Her new perspective demonstrates her desire to be the best at SOMETHING. The Trophy Wife you kind of described above is a new visual successful image to her – she has money, is beautiful, can wear the name brand clothes, do yoga, and has a husband who appreciates her for her looks because she is “popular”.
These examples show that she wants to be appreciated and successful in some aspect of her life. I think she is going the superficial route because she feels like she hasn’t achieved the success she wanted at her age, she isn’t as financially successful as you, her job has probably peaked in salary, and she needs to feel needed / appreciated / and better than you in some way.
WrongAgainKiddo − Relationships evolve, and both people change together. Just let her know that you don’t see her just for her looks, and while she is good looking, you see her for everything else she is, and everything she has grown to be. Also, she sees you as just a nerdy guy, and you say you’re similar in attractiveness, and she took that as she’s u**y?? Does she think you’re u**y? That was very rude on her part, she should apologize as much as you.
Relationships can be complicated, and misunderstandings can easily arise. How do you address delicate topics without unintentionally causing hurt? Feel free to share your thoughts on communication in relationships and how you might approach a situation like this.