I (27M) don’t want to hang out with my trans friend (25F) anymore. What do I do?

A Redditor shares his struggle with growing resentment toward his trans friend, Kara, as their friendship has become increasingly dominated by her experiences and identity. He feels uncomfortable with how one-sided their interactions have become, but is unsure how to express this without coming across as transphobic or invalidating her identity. Read the original story below:

‘ I (27M) don’t want to hang out with my trans friend (25F) anymore. What do I do?’

I moved to a new country a little over an year ago. This was when I met my friend “Kara”. We became pretty good friends very quickly and I appreciated the fact she was a friend in a new place where I knew no one. A year on from meeting her we’ve only gotten closer.

Kara is a trans-woman who had begun the process of transitioning almost a year before I met her, but she was still “very new to the lifestyle” (her words not mine) when I met her. Because of this a lot of the things we spoke about initially in our friendship were very centered around her transition and first steps into openly queer life.

She admitted there weren’t a lot of other people she could speak about this with and she enjoyed finally having someone hear her out, while I genuinely enjoyed learning about Kara’s POV and experience as a trans woman. I also encouraged her to share other things with me such as her tastes in music, art and generally what she likes to do for fun (all of which are very queer).

We often go to a lot of events together, we hung out at our city’s pride festival and see each other a couple of times a month for drinks or general hanging out. I wanted to be someone she could celebrate herself and identity with and I think I accomplished that.

The problem is I think that identity dominates our friendship now. When we hang out, Kara will insist on listening to her kind of music (lots of indie rock, queer artists and sapphic bands) a lot of which I don’t really vibe with, but I never say no and don’t complain when she does.

However whenever I play my type of music (dad-rock, rap, afro-soul, rnb) she may listen to one or two songs before changing it to her music again claiming she “wants to show me a new artist/song”. I let her vent to me about her frustrations with work and her struggles in her romantic life.

I even sat with her and let her cry on my shoulder when she broke up with her most recent partner, spending two hours consoling her. However when I try and speak to her about my frustrations she seems to get this glassy look in her eyes and she’ll murmur a few affirmations before changing the topic to her experiences, because it reminds her of something she went through.

These are just a few of the many one-sided experiences I’ve had with Kara. I know she’s a good person and I know it’s unfair but I’ve started to resent her and her “queer-ness”. As someone who’s recently discovered and accepted my own bi/pansexuality,

I understand how important someone’s identity is to them, and I would never want to be someone who makes others shrink themselves to make myself feel seen or heard. But I’ve caught myself thinking things like “enough with the trans talk” or “another lesbian indie band?” recently.

I really hate that I feel this way. I don’t want to hate who my friend is, or despise the things she likes, believes in and relates to. How can I tell her this without her thinking I’m a giant transphobe and shunning her identity?. How can I fix this?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Next_Distribution284 −  You don’t want to hang out with her because it’s very one sided…. her being trans actually has nothing to do with it. Its her personality. I don’t hang out with people I don’t enjoy spending time with regardless of their gender, preferences, colour, political stance *insert practically anything here*… this is normal and adult. You aren’t vibing anymore.

Silent-Friendship860 −  The friendship isn’t floundering because of her being trans. It’s because she has cast you as her emotional support and doesn’t realize she has to give back as well. Next time she wants to hang out tell her you’ve been having a rough time and see how she reacts.

If she’s a real friend she will focus on you by asking questions about how you’re doing and what she can do to help. If she flips things back to her then that’s the basis of your relationship. She can still be a fun person to go do things with but start limiting your time to save yourself from resentment and burn out.

ErnestBatchelder −  I think people deserve to know how we feel about their behavior, at least once. You say you never complain when she plays her music for a long time or uses you to vent about relationships.

While she may not realize her self-absorbedness regarding not supporting *you*- she has no reason to believe you’re tired of supporting *her* because you’ve never told her as much.

*Hey, I really enjoy (x,y, z) about you and our friendship, but I feel like we are on a one-way street in this friendship when it comes to support and interests- I support you when it comes to things you are struggling with like relationships, I listen to your music and interests, but I find you shut me down when I try to do the same.

Are you open to working on that with me so I feel heard more?* Either she puts in some effort, or you get your answer. My guess is you encouraged her from the start to center herself by engaging mainly about her, and she’s self-obsessed somewhat with what must feel like a rebirth to her, plus she might just be old-fashioned selfish and need to hear that from someone.

RoyalOtherwise950 −  It can be very draining to have one sided friendships. I had one myself, every conversation was about them. I no longer initiate conversation or share news with them and they never ask.

I’d start slowly distancing yourself from them so it becomes a more casual relationship. And invite them to things YOU like to do, not just what they like to do. Friendship is a two way street, and yours doesn’t sound like an equal path. Their being trans has nothing to do with it.

ForbiddenFruitiness −  I‘d like to try to put a different light on the instances you mention here, hoping it might help. The music – she doesn’t seem to be a great fan of your music, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve ever mentioned that you are not a big fan of her‘s either and especially if you’ve listened to it for so long, she could easily assume that you like her music…

which makes listening to her music the logical way forward. You seem to be doing the typical people pleaser thing of assuming that because you suffer in silence to accommodate others, everyone else should too to accommodate you…but that is very much a people pleaser thing and the healthy way forward is actually to just voice your feelings.

I‘m glad that you like them, but they aren’t my personal cup of tea.“ would be a good start for example. Openly discuss switching whose music you are listening to today or even go on a quest to find music you both like.

Similarly, trying to connect with someone through your own experiences is pretty common and often a fine balance to create that ”I know what you are talking about“ feeling, without suddenly making it about yourself. Are you sure she is uninterested or just socially not great? Can you say something like “I can see how your experience connects to mine!

The question is what I now can do about my situation?“ or you could clearly state how you would like to be supported in a situation. “I really need someone to listen to me right now!“ If she ignores those sort of statements, then I feel you might have more of a case for an open conversation about needing more back and forth.

There is also the advice to not necessarily wait to have questions asked of you, but just talk when you feel there is something for you to say. It is something that I’m still learning. I tend to wait for the other person to want to talk about me,

but actually many people are really bad at that aspect – either because they don’t want to pry or because they don’t have a great social awareness…or they are so relaxed around me that their social etiquette goes.

More assertive people will also assume that you will basically take care of your “needs“ in the conversation yourself/make them obvious, rather than trying to manage them from their end. The word people pleaser comes to mind again. Finding out new things about your identity can be super exciting.

The last time I made a major discovery about my sexuality, I went on everyone‘s nerves for weeks and it wasn’t event close to as major as a gender identity. The way my friends handled it was listening to me and asking questions, but then diverting to other aspects of my life – away from my s**lity.

I’m sure your friend is a complex person and not only LGBTQ+, but also with many other aspects that could be talked about. I wouldn’t push away the LGBTQ+ aspect particularly, but more invite other aspects too. Having said that…do her Lesbian indie bands just sing about being Lesbian or is it the fact they are all Lesbian that irritates you?

Because I doubt your friend has said “Urg! Another straight rock band?“ 😉 Ultimately, if you do feel the need to have a talk about the lack of balance in the friendship, I would not make it about LGBTQ+. I would just state my emotions – that you feel unsupported and secondary.

Use “I-statements“ and focus on your feelings. Try to make it the two of you against the problem and not one friend against the other. EDITed: Typing is hard and correct grammar is even harder.

jessisoldschool −  It doesn’t really seem to be that you dislike these interests of hers but rather that she doesn’t have the same level of interest in your likes. Perhaps just frame it more as:

I feel that I know your tastes but haven’t had a chance to share more about what I’m into with you conversation. Be upfront that you support her interests, but that yours differ, and you want to make a little more room for your own tastes when you two are hanging out.

dreadfullystoic −  it sounds like, it has nothing to do with her being trans, the friendship is just very one sided which is very common. i’d suggest talking to her about it first

shalekodemono −  ‘I understand how important someone’s identity is to them, and I would never want to be someone who makes others shrink themselves to make myself feel seen or heard’ So if this is the standard you have for yourself,

this should be the standard you should have for your friends. It sounds like you feel very unseen and unheard. If you don’t do that to others, why would you let that be done to you?

WillLoveCoffee4Ever1 −  I don’t know much about transitioning, but from what I’m guessing, your friend has found herself a sense of self worth and freedom to express herself. She’s feeling like the person she was meant to be. However, I’m just guessing and honestly, she’s being really selfish when she won’t take the time to listen to your problems,

but expects you to be there for hers. Come out and tell her how you feel. No need to bring her transitioning, especially if that isn’t even a problem. Bottom line? Be honest with her. It’s possible your friendship is something that may not be a long lasting one. Good luck.

chain-link-fen −  Trans guy here. A decent majority of people in the LGBTQIA+ community are also neurodivergent in some way. I myself am autistic and have ADHD. I have had to catch myself with certain friends for similar issues that you’ve addressed with Kara.

When someone tells me a story I relate to, I very often share a similar story of my own because in MY eyes, I’m relating and showing that person they aren’t alone and that I can understand what they’re going through in part.

But in MANY people’s eyes, it’s considered very draining and self centered to bring up a story about me rather than just trying to comfort the person or offer a solution. I have friends who don’t mind me relating. I’ve other friends who mind very much.

They talked to me and told me they felt I wasn’t listening to them and connecting, and I was genuinely shocked. I felt terrible, that was never my intention. Now, with ALL my friends(even the ones who were previously okay with my relating stories), I ask questions to follow up whatever I’m told.
Friend: “Hey, man, I’m going through a really rough time with my landlord…”

Me: “I’m really sorry to hear that. I’ve been there before, I can definitely understand that. Is there anything I can do to help?” My friend can now assert clear boundaries for me to understand. They can ask for someone to vent to. They can ask for advice. They can ask for me to just stay with them. They can ask for space.

With things like music, perhaps she’s hearing the one or two songs you’re listening to and then trying to relate by playing her own things that she hopes you’ll like to. I could be wildly off, of course. She *could* very well just be selfish. But I think only a conversation will really tell you for sure whether it’s something she’s willing to work on or not.

Do you think the Redditor’s feelings are valid, or could he be struggling with personal biases he’s unaware of? How would you approach this situation if you were in his shoes, balancing the need for self-expression with maintaining a supportive friendship? Share your thoughts and advice below!