I [24F] don’t want to furnish a guest room for my mother [64F] in my new home.

A Reddit user is grappling with how to set boundaries with their mother, who is overly pushy about visiting and turning the spare bedroom in the user’s new townhome into a guest room for herself. The user feels guilted into complying with her mother’s wishes, despite past incidents that caused discomfort and strain. Now, they need advice on how to assertively and kindly navigate these challenging conversations.
Read the full story below.

‘ I [24F] don’t want to furnish a guest room for my mother [64F] in my new home.’

TL;DR: Mom is very excited that I’m going to have a spare bedroom. I’m flooded with apprehension. I don’t know if my feelings are justified or not. My partner [24M] and I are moving into a 1300 sq ft 2/2 townhome this week. Our current apartment is a snug 350 sq ft 1/1. I’ve been working from home out of our bedroom since mid-March. This hasn’t done wonders for my mental wellbeing. Moving into a bigger place has been a light at the end of the tunnel these last few months.

I’m particularly happy about having a second bedroom, as my partner agreed that I should turn it into my home office. (I expect to continue working from home for quite a while longer.) In my excitement, I told both my parents all about the new place as soon as our application was approved. (Context on my parents: My parents are divorced. They live in my hometown, roughly an eight hour drive away.)

When I mentioned the second bedroom in the townhome to my mom, she immediately began talking about staying in “her guest room”. I told her that I was going to turn the spare room into a home office, but she just replied “with a sleeper sofa!” She then began talking excitedly about how she’d be able to drive up and visit “often”. I didn’t know what to say, but something in my gut turned.

My mom works at an airport in a COVID hotspot. I have asthma that gets worse when I get sick, so I can’t take any chances with COVID. Knowing this, my mom has been trying for months to push me to visit her, and she’s been asking repeatedly if she can come visit me. (She has outright refused to quarantine herself for two weeks prior to seeing me.)

I put my foot down and told her that any travel was out of the question, and she kind of accepted that. She still complains about it every time we talk though, and she still asks even though she knows the answer is no. Recently, she asked me if I needed her to come visit to help me move. After that didn’t work, she asked if she could come visit in August to “see the new place” and celebrate her birthday. I felt guilty about saying no, so I gave a very noncommital response.
At this point, I’m not even sure if I’d want to see her even if she did quarantine for two weeks beforehand. My mom gets way too pushy when she doesn’t get her way, and it makes me very uncomfortable. The problem is, she’s also extremely giving and generous, so it makes me feel guilty denying her requests.
She’s constantly offering to give me money I don’t need, and she tries to lend a helping hand in every situation without being asked. She has offered to pay for graduate school for me *and* pay for my living expenses, because she wants me back in school. (We had that arrangement when I was in undergrad, but the money was never as reliable as she said it would be. Having independence and a stable job has been a godsend. I’m never relying on her financially again.)

I almost think she’s generous so that she has leverage to push people around with. I don’t think she’s doing it in a conscious, malicious way, though. I think she does it because having control and feeling like a good person makes her happy. In the past, when I’ve told her “no”, she has gone straight to guilting me.

On one occasion, she wanted to stay the night with my partner and I in our tiny little apartment. I told her that my partner’s family, who live in town, would be more than happy to have her as a guest. In fact, they had already prepared the guest room for her. She cried and said that I “didn’t want her”, and she basically had a meltdown. I told her we didn’t have room or an air mattress, so she’d have to sleep on the floor. I told her that this was unacceptable, and that I would not allow my mother to sleep on grubby carpet.

She then threatened to drive all the way back home overnight, after having driven all the way *from* home that day. When we didn’t back down, she went through with the threat. I couldn’t sleep that night out of fear, worrying about her crashing the car from sleep deprivation.

My partner has held my mother in poor regard ever since that incident. He really doesn’t want her to stay with us in the future. I could blame things on him and tell her that he’s the reason why she can’t stay with us, but that’s not fair to him. Plus, she might try to retaliate in some way, and I don’t want that.

Actual TL;DR, after writing out my feelings: How do I tell my mother that my home office isn’t her guest bedroom? How do I tell her that she can’t come visit me in August? I don’t even want to have her sleeping on an air mattress in my home office, because I’m uncomfortable leaving her alone with my belongings. She has gone through my things at least once in the past. She keeps texting me, asking me how moving is going. Every time I see her texts, I feel a mix of discomfort and guilt. It makes me want to throw my phone away.. Reddit, please help?

Check out how the community responded:

sandman_42 −  Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! (check out r/raisedbynarcissists or r/justnoMIL for some info and tips from those in your shoes on setting boundaries with unhealthy family members) Every time you give an inch, she takes a mile. Why do you think she’s so “generous” and wants to pay for everything? Because then you’re dependent on her and/or you “owe” her and it’s harder to say no to someone who’s paying your rent/tuition/etc.

I’d start by telling her the truth and establishing the boundary at the same time:

“Mom, I’ve been thinking about our conversation regarding your birthday and I’m just not comfortable with you coming to visit next month and I’m not sure when I will be due to the virus and my health issues. I need you to know that your repeated requests to visit have felt like pressure at best and m**ipulative at worst, and whether intentional or not I can’t continue to worry about having to tell you “no” all the time. Moving forward, I will have to end our conversations and hang up if you insist on bringing up these topics or discussing them when I’ve made it clear I’m not interested.”

Then follow through: if she asks to visit, lays on the guilt-trip, or pressures you then just hang up the phone/zoom call/stop responding to the texts.

laundryandblowjobs −  Don’t put it on your partner. For the time being, whenever she brings it up, you say “Asked and Answered. We are not having guests during a pandemic.” Do NOT give her a bunch of reasons or justifications as to why, those only give her something to shoot down so that she gets her way. If you’re going to learn to say No to your mother, you have to learn to be *unmoved* by her guilt trips. Caring about someone does not give them a free pass to do whatever they want. Love and boundaries are not mutually exclusive, you can have both. Time to be firm.

Next, you furnish your office as your office. Period. If the time comes when travel and visiting is once again feasible, you don’t have a bed for her. (She will say “But you said you were going to get a pull-out sofa for me!” which you did not. Don’t take the bait.)

[Reddit User] −  Okay bad news: you’re going to have to tell your mother a firm no, and she’s going to be hurt and going to guilt trip you for it. This is unavoidable. So start getting yourself into a headspace where you’re prepared for the fact that it is NOT the end of the world? Think of it this way- she would be happiest with you and her having a great relationship. If you have to do things that make her temporarily unhappy, in aid of a life where you’re a mother and daughter, not a juggernaut and a doormat.

I’d start practicing some scripts. “Actually mom we’ve found it really doesn’t work for us to have guests in the office- but I’m going to book you into a great airbnb right near us.” “It’s really sweet of you to want to visit- but now is a terrible time. What about [alternate date that is genuinely the next time you’d like to see her]?” “No, we’re not going for a sofa bed- we don’t plan on using the room for company, it’s going to be desks, bookcases, filing cabinets, etc.” “I’m really sorry to hear that. Please let me know if you change your mind.”

NDaveT −  She’s constantly offering to give me money I don’t need, and she tries to lend a helping hand in every situation without being asked. She has offered to pay for graduate school for me and pay for my living expenses, because she wants me back in school.
What you call being giving and generous is just an extension of her being pushy. For now, you can blame it on the virus. But you’re going to have to get used to saying no to her, and then ignoring her temper tantrums. She will get worse before she gets better – she will try to test your resolve.

[Reddit User] −  Please don’t throw your partner under the bus without talking to him first. Please start practicing telling her no. This isn’t just about your physical health now, with the virus, it’s about your emotional health on going. If it makes you anxious to have her in your space, don’t afford her the opportunity. I do the same thing with all visiting relations. They can visit my home and hang out for a bit, but I’m not their entertainer for the visit, and they can’t stay with me. My home is where I feel safe. You should do the same thing for yourself.

Keltik_ −  The thing with guilt trips is, they only work if you let them. If she throws a tantrum and you go ‘ok whatever’ and still don’t give her what she wants, nothing happens. She’ll try a different emotional manipulation, you do the same again, she doesn’t get anywhere. She’ll learn eventually. Be strong. Don’t let her manipulate you. If she brings it up, be firm. It’s an office, not a bedroom. You need the space to work, you can’t work with someone living in it. She’s also putting your health at risk with the covid, so that’s another reason she can’t stay. Until the virus is past, you’re not allowing any visitors. Be strong.

xenokilla −  no is a complete sentence. repeat as needed.

madamnastywoman −  Your mom and my mom speak the same language – it’s almost as if I wrote it this myself. My mom very much has a sort of “i-hate-you-but-don’t-leave-me” mentality that is very common in people with borderline personality disorder (which I believe she has, but obviously she’ll never seek professional help). I would highly suggest checking out r/raisedbyborderlines. I’ll also echo what others here have said: BOUNDARIES. And keep in mind that the thing with boundaries and people like your mom is that they have to be firm. Don’t waver, or she’ll take advantage.

DoYerThang −  Just Say NO. Guilt is not your friend here. You don’t have to feel guilty for the things she is trying to do “for you” that you don’t ask for. If it were me, the conversation would go something like “Mom, I have told you more than once that you and I have different views on the handling of Covid-19. I will not be inviting you to visit. I will not be saying yes to your repeated requests. In fact, if you bring it up again, I will end the conversation.”

[Reddit User] −  We used to have this problem with my in-laws. It was our fault, we were just over accommodating. They would come and stay for a week at a time several times a year. After a while my wife and I made a rule when outfitting our house, spare bedroom, etc. “We want our guests to be comfortable, but not too comfortable.” We aren’t running a hotel or B&B it is our house.

We will keep a spare double bed in our office with a bed that is only comfortable for a night or two and nearly i**olerable for 2people. It is in the corner against the wall and only has about 10 inches between it and my LARGE L shaped desk. We don’t call it the spare bedroom, it is the office and it happens to have a spare bed. When people stay with us we let them know my work hours and that I need to use the room at that time uninterrupted. It has worked out well. People will stop by when passing through and stay the night if it is too late, but no one uses our house as their time-share anymore.