I (23M) just found out that my wife (23F) cheated at the beginning of the relationship. How to proceed?
A Reddit user (23M) is facing a heartbreaking revelation after discovering that his wife (23F) had an affair both before and after their marriage, which they had initially entered for legal reasons. Despite being together for years and having two children, the user now feels betrayed and uncertain about the future of their relationship.
After confronting his wife, he’s struggling to decide whether to stay in the marriage or proceed with a divorce. The situation has caused a significant emotional breakdown, and he is torn between doing what’s best for his children and dealing with the betrayal. Read the full story below for more details on how the user is processing this shocking information…
‘ I (23M) just found out that my wife (23F) cheated at the beginning of the relationship. How to proceed?’
I will get straight to the point, I met my current wife when we were both 17 years old. We dated for almost a year and decided to get married mostly for legal reasons (she and her family are foreigners). She got pregnant a couple of months after the wedding, it wasn’t a big problem because I inherited a property and we were able to get by without paying rent and working more than 48 hours a week.
6 years have passed, we have 2 children, I know I started a family very young but I didn’t have a good childhood and I was very excited to be the father I never had. Two weeks ago I received a massive amount of screenshots, compromising images and a text explaining that my wife had an affair while we were dating at 17 and after the wedding.
Reading everything was like blowing up a dam. After understanding everything I saw on my phone, I confronted my wife by yelling. I never yelled at her before, but I wanted to know if all this was true.
She started crying hysterically and confirmed everything. I had a panic attack for the first time and had to make a monumental effort to run out and not let my children see me. I had trouble breathing, I wanted to vomit so badly and my body was shaking non-stop.
And now what? I went to a friend’s house, I don’t want to see her for now but I miss my children. I talk to them on the phone every day but I still don’t know what I want to do. It’s my house, I don’t want to kick her out because her parents have already returned to their country of origin, she has no one here.
I don’t even know if I want to stay married, I feel used, I feel like the only thing I was really proud of, which is being a good father and a good husband, is a farce. She says that at first she wanted to marry me for the benefits and that’s why she pretended, but when she found out she was pregnant, the affair partner left.
And then she got to know me better and fell in love with me. She swears to me that she hasn’t had contact with the AP for years and that my son is mine (I already know that, he has a birthmark from my family).
I don’t know who sent me the information, I was blocked immediately, but it could be the AP. All my friends tell me to forgive her, but I’m not sure I can. She’s a good mother and has been a great partner, if she hadn’t confessed to me, I would have thought someone used photoshop on those screenshots.
We rarely fight, we always agree on the same things. I bring in 80% of the income, but she does more housework because she only works 20 hours a week. We were a great team. Do I have to give her time? Do I have to start divorce proceedings? Do I risk traumatizing my children?
I know my mental breakdown is also due to my problems when I was a child, but everyone wants me to pretend I never saw those messages and continue playing happy family with her.
I want to do the best for my kids but I don’t know where to start. If I’m not working or running errands, I’m spending my time crying on the couch at my friend’s house.. I’m sorry and thanks for the time.
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
No-Concentrate5370 − i honestly wouldn’t be able to trust her after this. she should’ve come clean about it herself if she was truly looking to build something real with you
SemanticPedantic007 − Don’t do anything for about three months. Tell her that you want to continue separated for at least that long and don’t know how you will feel at the other end. Maybe you’ll want to divorce, maybe you’ll want to reconcile, maybe you’ll want to try couples counseling to see if that works.
Nobody here, including me, can tell you how to feel about this, but I would urge you to follow your feelings once you’re reasonably sure that what you feel now is what you will feel 5 or 10 years from now.
Mental-Phone-572 − My husband, my daughter, and I have the exact same strawberry birth mark. Get a DNA
fearless-artichoke91 − DNA paternity test regardless the birth mark. It would just be a coincidence
lonewolf369963 − Two things to consider -.
1. She married you for benefits
2. She only got to know about you as a person when she has no option left as her AP left her.
It is clear as day that you are an ATM for her. People may say that she was young, yada yada… However you have to understand that she was not naive as she had made an elaborate plan to use you for the benefits.
I’ll suggest you talk to a lawyer first and start the divorce process. Then give her a certain amount of time, let’s say 2 months to find a job (if she doesn’t have) and accommodation. Since the house you live in is yours, you can get primary custody as you are the one who will be capable of providing a stable hime for the kids. That being said, please follow these-
1. Save and gather all the evidence.
2. Make her write a detailed confession & ensure that she mentions about everything including her planning to use you for benefits
3. Save and protect your assets and finances. 4. Tell your families. 5. Start therapy
6. Move back into your home and start in house separation
Your kids are young and will be able to adapt easily to the new dynamics, however if you stay you’ll end up causing more damage to them than you can imagine as they’ll see resentment among their parents everyday.
OhSkee − Get a paternity test… The family birthmark doesn’t mean squat…I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not yours. What sucks even more is if you do decide to divorce, she’ll more than likely get alimony and child support because the courts typically side with the mother (regardless of country).
StrongArmRobber − Nope. Get a lawyer and divorce ASAP. Also get a DNA test for both kids. Cha ces seem very good that at least the first one is not yours. She cheated before and after the wedding. She used you for financial and visa reasons. She did not tell you this…some one else had to.
clearheaded01 − Who sent the pictures?? Poteltially the guys she cheated with – because he wants you gone?? Revenge?? Regardless – staying for the kids is the WORST reason to stay.. Everything is chaos right now – speak to
– a lawyer for advice. Youve abandoned the home as it is, will this influence anything??
– a therapist, to sort out the chaos inside.
Also – AP left when she got pregnant, so paternity tedts are warranted, yes??
alliandoalice − wtf are these comments?? She cheated after you were married it wasn’t the beginning of the relationship. Get a divorce
AzureSun5 − she would have never told you on her own if she didn’t get exposed. what else could she have kept a secret?
Do you think the user should try to work through the betrayal and stay married for the sake of the children, or would it be healthier to consider divorce? How would you handle a similar situation of infidelity and emotional turmoil while having a family? Share your thoughts and advice below!