I [23f] won $10,000 cash. My boyfriend [24m] of four years and I have been having a childish fight and I did something I can’t undo

A woman who recently won $10,000 shares how a disagreement with her boyfriend spiraled out of control. After weeks of tension over how to use the money, she impulsively spent it on rent and donated the rest to charity—without telling him. Now, she’s struggling with guilt and seeking advice on how to address the situation. Read her full story below.

‘ I [23f] won $10,000 cash. My boyfriend [24m] of four years and I have been having a childish fight and I did something I can’t undo’

He’s a full-time student who works part-time in the summer. I have a full-time and part-time job (he studies a lot). We live together and mostly live off my pay while he stretches what he makes in the summer. Neither of us have ever owned a car because it isn’t necessary where we live. We both walk or take the public everywhere to save money. In the morning we stop at a corner shop shortly before splitting up for the day. He buys cigarettes and coffee. I buy fruit for my lunch and, on the weekends, lotto tickets.

He always makes fun of me for paying the “stupid tax”. But I figure my indulgence is cheaper and doesn’t come with lung cancer. Sometimes I jokingly tell him not to expect a penny when I win. The day I won he answered me with “Fine, keep it all! It’s not like I’m crying over a penny of nothing over here.”

I showed him I’d won. He stared for a bit and then dismissively told me I’d probably spent more than that on tickets. In response I asked what I should blow his half on for myself. I was honestly joking at the time but he suddenly became angrier than I’ve ever seen him and I didn’t want to admit I’d been kidding because he was so pissed off it pissed me off.

He wants a car, and I don’t. He keeps trying to steamroller me so I’m refusing to share the money. In honesty I’m willing to spend or save the money for us but I don’t want a car. I won’t use a car and it will keep costing us money in parking and maintenance.

After weeks of him sulking and lecturing me about his “entitlement” to the money he took me to a car lot and tried to embarrass me into going along with him in front of a salesman. I threw a tantrum after we left without buying anything and I went to my mom’s and paid our rent up to the end of the year and donated the rest to charity. He doesn’t know. I fucked up and don’t know how to come clean. Tl;dr: I haven’t told my boyfriend I spent the money I won because I was upset he was being a d**k. He’s already angry at me. What do I do?

Check out how the community responded:

psuedonymously −  I fucked up and don’t know how to come clean. I don’t think you fucked up at all.

Population-Tire −  It was always your money, OP. Even in the absence of the whole debate about lottery tickets, even if he was totally supportive of you buying lottery tickets, it was always your money. Paying your rent ahead and making a tax deductible charitable donation is actually a pretty good use of $10,000.

What you should be worried about is how much more of yourself you’re going to invest in a relationship with someone who thinks it’s okay to try to shame you into spending a huge amount of your money on something he wants, and acts like a petulant child when he doesn’t get his way.

MrCapitalismWildRide −  So your boyfriend got super angry about something he should have been happy about, and then got really pushy about how you should spend your money. Because it is, well, was, your money. He’s not entitled to a cent, despite how he’s acting.

Breakuptrain −  You paid up rent for BOTH of you? Or just yourself?

Timmetie −  He buys cigarettes and coffee. He always makes fun of me for paying the “stupid tax”. Says the nicotine and caffeine addict.

Beautiful_Tuna −  I’ve re-read your post twice, and I think you forgot to include the part where you fucked up at all. How does that guy get his pants on over that swollen ego?

tingiling −  Decision we make in anger arn’t always the best ones, and we can often regret them when we calm down. But what you did in anger can easily be justified even now. So you don’t need to regret what you did in your anger at all. Perhaps you don’t even have to regret your anger. Try to remember why you got so angry.

It seems like you first got angry when at the mere thought that he might not get half the money, he blow up at you. That revealed that his first and perhaps only priority was to get his cut. There was no consern at all over how this money could effect you or both of your lives, only “me me me”. Honestly, if that money had been be spent so you could working less, or invested in your future or on a nice getaway for the two of you it would have benefited him alot and he should have been grateful for that.

Even spending a large chunk of it on something nice for just you would have been fair as appriciation for all the hard work you’ve put in to support your household. But he only cared about what he felt was owed him and what he wanted. You’re damn right to be angry at that! How selfish can he be?

Then you got angry because he tried to pressure and manipulate you into getting what he wanted. No compromise and no consern for what you might want or think, but again it was “me me me”. Only more because now he wasn’t only upset that he wasn’t getting “his” money, but actually trying to figure out how to get “his” money from you without your approval. He didn’t care how you felt about it if he got a car out of it. This feels little better than theft, but via entitlement and manipulation instead of ouright stealing it. Again, your anger is extremly justifiable.

Then you were conviced that as long as you had the money he would never stop trying to take it. Always looking for a new way to get to the money and not caring what it did to you or your relationship. Of course you got rid of it! It was self preservation to stop him from tearing throug you to get to your money.

It might have been done in anger, but it was an anger born from needing to fight for yourself. There are different kinds of anger, and not all of them are bad. Some gives us the courage to stand up for ourseves or the strenght to do something difficult. It really feels like this was a rightous anger, and you shouldn’t regret it.

You reacted to your bfs disgraceful behaviour with anger on now this is the situation you’re in. Are you going to pretend your anger wasn’t normal and justifiable in this situation and apologies? Are you going to take the blame for the situation you bf relentlessly pushed you into? Or a you going to tell him what you did without fear and shame and tell him that his selfish and m**ipulative behaviour cost him a car and is about to cost him his girlfriend too?

Your action of giving away money without consulting your bf because you’re worried what he’ll do to get to it is not worse than him trying to get the money by (almost) any means necessary for his own selfish reasons. Far from it. Please think this through before you start apologising to him or trying to find way to make it up to him. Remember your anger. It was more truthful than the doubt your feeling now anyway.

tactical_cakes −  He’s been calling you stupid every week for… how long? And then you won, and he was a j**k about it, and so you left him out if the winnings. Then you went ahead and did one of the smartest things possible with the prize: you paid your rent! The wrong move you’ve made, as far as I can see, is you put up with your boyfriend being rude for too long.

[Reddit User] −  The only thing you fucked up on is forgetting to d**p his freeloading ass.

Lordica −  Now, the money you usually spend on rent? Invest it.