Husband, 37M, attempted to manipulate me, 35F. I called his bluff. Now what?
A Reddit user (35F) shares the emotional aftermath of discovering her husband’s (37M) attempt to manipulate her into silence during a long-standing argument about household responsibilities. Despite juggling full-time work, 85% of their bills, and the bulk of parenting and domestic duties, her requests for help were met with anger and the threat of divorce—a bluff he later admitted was intended to scare her into compliance.
Now emotionally shut down, she struggles to navigate the relationship’s future and decide if his actions are reason enough to walk away. Read the full story below for more insight into her dilemma.
‘ Husband, 37M, attempted to manipulate me, 35F. I called his bluff. Now what?’
I, 35F, have been married to my husband, 37M, for 5 1/2 years, and we have an 18mo daughter. We have generally had a good marriage, but have repeatedly had the same two arguments for 3+ years.
The first argument is that I work full time, pay 85% of our bills and do all of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, running of the household, etc. He also works full time, but after work comes home and immediately takes his work clothes off, throws them on the couch in my living room and goes into the family room to watch YouTube. I have repeatedly asked for help and get the run around.
The second is that he has a small porn addiction and suffers from premature ejaculation. An issue in itself but not our main problem currently. The last week and a half or so, I had been running 80 miles an hour getting ready for the holiday this week.
I was cleaning the house, washing the bedding in the guest room, cleaning the fridge, doing all the bits and pieces that you need to do to host family for Thanksgiving. I was also doing all of my daily things as well.
For example on a typical day, I wake up make sure his, mine, and the baby’s lunches are packed, she’s dressed for daycare, my work bag is packed, drive to work. After work I drive to the daycare to pick up baby girl, often taking meetings via phone on the commute.
Do any errands that need done (grocery, Costco, pharmacy, etc) come home, immediately breastfeed the baby, start dinner so we can eat once he’s home, give the baby a bath, let her play while I clean off the table, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, tidy up, feed her again, get her to sleep and then finally take a shower myself! It’s basic daily tasks, but I don’t stop until 9-10 at night.
Last week I asked again for help but was told that he needed the break because he is tired. I naturally told him that I never get a break and I’m tired too and need help with the house and if he can’t contribute half financially he can at least contribute half of the cleaning.
He shut down and just gave me the silent treatment for 2 days, then asked me if I wanted to go to his mother’s house with him and the baby. I said only if he wasn’t going to ignore me the whole time. That was the match that lit the fuse.
He EXPLODED. Evidently I have done nothing but b**ch for the last 3 years, he hates cleaning and isn’t going to do it, that if him contributing is such a big deal then we should divorce. I asked him to explain what that looks like to him. He said “I’ll get an apartment and sign the house over to you, refinance it in your name.
We’ll split custody 50/50 and split her expenses 50/50 as well”. He then stormed out of the house and went to his mother’s until about 1AM. He again gave me the silent treatment for 2 days.
The other day I asked him how his apartment hunting was going and he said “what?” I told him I thought he was right, I had been bitching about this for 3 years, I’m miserable and he’s not helping make my life easier.
That I agreed divorce is the best option and that I would rather separate as friends and be good coparents than grow to hate him and feel stuck in a toxic marriage. He then said “I only said that to scare you into shutting up.” Basically he attempted to emotionally abuse/manipulate me to get his way.
As someone who grew up in a toxic and a**sive childhood, this immediately shut me down emotionally. Like I look at him and I feel nothing. He is trying now to get back in my good graces, bringing flowers, chocolates… and all it does is make me angrier.
I need advice. Is the fact that he tried to manipulate me and ADMITTED it a valid reason for me to just want to shut this down? Because I have to be honest, I’m tempted to ruin Thanksgiving. I don’t know if I’m just angry and reacting out of that or if I am truly at the end of my rope.
Check out how the community responded:
Champion_Flight − He’s not just manipulating you – he’s exploiting you. You’re carrying the financial burden, all household responsibilities, childcare, AND he tried to use divorce as a weapon when you asked for basic partnership.
His admission that he was trying to “scare you into shutting up” shows he views your valid needs as an inconvenience to be silenced. You’re already functioning as a single parent while bankrolling his lifestyle. The only difference is you have an adult dependent who throws his clothes on your couch and watches YouTube while you exhaust yourself.
The flowers and chocolates now aren’t remorse – they’re panic because his emotional b**ckmail didn’t work. You’re not overreacting; you’re finally seeing clearly. When someone tells you they’d rather divorce than contribute to their own household, and then admits they were just trying to scare you into compliance – believe that revelation.
He’s showing you he prioritizes his comfort over your wellbeing and will use emotional warfare to maintain it. You’re not angry because of the manipulation attempt – you’re angry because it exposed the fundamental disrespect at the core of your marriage. He contributes minimally financially, does nothing domestically, and when confronted, tries to weaponize divorce to silence you. The flowers aren’t going to fix this level of betrayal.
perksofbeingcrafty − Keep saying nothing. Go find a good lawyer. Get a divorce, and make damn sure your lawyer gets you more than 50% of your shared assets because I cannot see what he is contributing to your life and happiness aside from that 15% of expenses. Get out now——if this man is like this approaching 40, he’s not going to change. You deserve so much better. Get out early and go find that better.
I’d suggest you not ruin thanksgiving or give him any ideas that you’re seriously considering a divorce. Contact the lawyer and make preparations on the DL. And when you do finally tell him about wanting the divorce, make sure it’s in a situation where he can’t then take your daughter and hide her somewhere for leverage. (Ie, if she goes to daycare, pick her up and drop her off with a friend or family member you can trust before confronting him)
HappyCabbage9013 − He’s trying to make it up to you with flowers and chocolates… instead of the cleaning you’ve repeatedly asked for 😂😂. I’m sorry, I can’t. He even fails at groveling. 😂
Kim_Smoltz_ − You don’t need permission to leave but here it is anyway: you have permission to leave this really toxic situation and you will probably be happier without him dragging you down.
Posterbomber − As I see it, the divorce is coming no matter what. It’s just the “when” that is in question, I’d say the sooner the better. As a single mom, you’ll be paying 100% of the bills and doing 100% of the work but you’ll have one less child to do it for.
TheGirlwThePinkHair − So he does nothing, contributes almost nothing and the s** is bad?! And he thought he’d scare you by saying he’d leave you?! That doesn’t sound scary, that sounds like a gift.
dineneth18 − Follow through and give him that divorce. You are already taking care of everything, it’ll be easier without him in the house with you. And you’ll at least get a break during his custody time. I’m honestly just surprised you had a child with him if this has been a problem for 3+ years.
anabsentfriend − He bought you flowers and chocolates?? You mean he didn’t get on his hands and knees and scrub the floors, do the washing. Get the shopping in. Bath the baby. Apply for better paid jobs??? He got flowers and chocolates in response to this? Jeez
AgonistPhD − He’s trying to get in your good graces with flowers and chocolate, not *cleaning the f**king house like you asked in the first place*? Yeah, I can see why you’re done. It’s okay to just be done.
Experienced_Camper69 − This right here ladies is why you need your own income, so you can pick up and leave when you need to
Do you think her husband’s admitted manipulation is a clear sign of toxicity, or is there a path to rebuilding trust and equality in their marriage? How would you handle this situation if you were in her shoes? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.