How do I (30f) make it clear to my husband (33m) that I don’t want to share my bonus even if I’m a “stay at home wife”?

A frustrated stay-at-home wife (30F) turned part-time worker asks for advice on how to assert her right to keep a small $300 bonus she earned. Despite working 30 hours a week, caring for her husband’s elderly parents, and handling most household chores, her husband (33M) insists the money be deposited into their shared account.

She feels overburdened and resentful, as she never gets to spend anything on herself, even for basic needs like winter clothes or skincare. The couple is at a standoff, with neither willing to compromise.

‘ How do I (30f) make it clear to my husband (33m) that I don’t want to share my bonus even if I’m a “stay at home wife”?’

Husband and I are/were in a traditional relationship. After we got married, I became a stay at home wife who took care of his parents in their 70s/80s with poor health. We planned to have two kids. He’s a blue collar worker.

The business isn’t doing well and he asked me to help out to keep payments of house which we have a 6% mortgage on. Now I make barely above minimum wage as a receptionist/office admin. I work 30 hours a week. But I still have to take care of his parents and I do the majority of the chores.

Husband works 60 hours a week. He makes more than I do but I still feel it’s unfair. He says we can’t afford anything. We live very frugally. I am frustrated and upset he won’t budge about our spending or consider getting a new job.

He was the one who wanted a house and a car and now I have to work to the bone for something I didn’t want. I got a small bonus of $300 because my boss said I was doing a very good job. Husband told me to deposit it in our shared bank account. I don’t want to. I want to spend at least some of my bonus on myself.

I need new clothes for the winter and I’d like some for skincare and makeup since I’m running out. He says they’re not necessities. I’m sick and tired of doing everything and having the one nice thing rewarded to me taken away too. We are annoyed at each other and won’t budge.

How do I make it clear I don’t want to share that small bonus since I never get to do anything even when I’ve earned it?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

trilliumsummer −  Do you know your finances? Looked at all incoming money and look at all bills and see how it shakes out? See the needs vs the wants?

WhoDatLadyBear −  How are you a stay at home wife when you work 30 hours?! Girl, he’s taking advantage of you.

ThrowRArosecolor −  Oh honey. Do you realize that you can’t have kids with this man? He’s going to waste your fertile years having you nurse his parents in rags and driving in his pretty new truck and owning a nice home and then trade you in for a younger model to have kids when his parents are gone.

Please talk to some friends. You would not be wrong to leave him. He will eventually move his parents in with you and you will still be the primary caregiver. He’s working you to the bone but you can freeze this winter, he wants that bonus. You still have time to meet someone who cares more about you and have a family with them if you like.

Amusedfemalestandard −  Newsflash, you’re not a SAHW. That’s just a guilt trip of perceived “privilege” that your husband uses to manipulate and control you. You basically work full time AND you’re a caretaker to TWO elderly adults, you’re a maid, you’re a cook, and you manage the household finances.

Meanwhile, he works 60 hours a week while still not adequately providing for his family— yet won’t find a better opportunity. The only “traditional” part of this is that you’re getting screwed while taking care of everyone else around you.

herculepoirot4ever −  You’re 30 and married to someone who treats you like the hired help only he expects you to pay him! Like wtf?! You will never have kids. There will never be enough time or money. Or—you will have kids, and you’ll work yourself into an early grave trying to be a SAHM, caretaker and working a job.

Your kids will always come after his parents and himself. You’ll be scrounging up quarters to pay for school lunches and to fill up a bag of used clothes on dollar day at the thrift shop while he’s driving a new truck with new tires. Girl—come on! Wake up. Open your eyes.

Get your s**t and leave. You’re so young and have so much life ahead of you. Get a divorce. Get your own place. Work more hours or change jobs. Fall in love again with someone who actually listens and supports your dreams. Build the life you want and deserve.

Old-Assistance-2017 −  You’re a SAHW but you work 30 hours a week? If you’re working it’s your money too and you have the right to use it. You guys don’t sound like you’re in a fair marriage. He’s controlling your finances. Open a separate bank account, if you can bump up your hours to a full time position. Save the extra money and put it away.

anglflw −  The whole “tradwife” thing is such a crock. There may have been one, at most two, generations of women who didn’t have to work outside the home at least here in post-WWII USA.

But, even more traditionally, everybody worked on the family farm when most people lived rurally, or everybody worked outside the home for those who lived in the city. As to your situation specifically, why does he get veto power over what is a necessity and what is not?

Rainmoearts −  Just because someone is your husband or wife doesn’t give them the right to control you.

aboveyardley −  Maybe think twice about having a kid with this guy, unless of course you’re willing to do 100% of the childcare and get a second job to pay for all the new expenses.

KMN208 −  So, I have this comment saved in my cache for the daily posts of women in your (or a comparable) position and it usually aims at fixing things. But I fear he is too controlling and a**sive to find a healthy balance, so maybe start with.

If he at any point gets physical with you or your things (intentionally/ in anger breaks something that belongs to you or is important to you), it is time for an escape plan.This is my an adjusted copy of my usual comment:

First of all, both of you should change your mindset: You are currently not practicing a traditional marriage, therefore he needs to adjust and be an active participant in his own household. Looking after HIS parents shouldn’t be YOUR sole responsibility when you also work 30 hours a week.

No matter if you are the breadwinner or a SAHM, you are not a 24/7 servant. The physicality of his job isn’t an excuse. You deserve time off and the only reason he can live his life the way he does is you looking after everything. Stop enabling him.

Second, time is the same for everyone. Both of you should have the same amount of time for work (paid and unpaid) as well as time to sleep, eat, hygiene and leasure. You can’t argue time. Why should one person get less of it for themselves than the other?

When you are sick, it isn’t leasure. It’s a sick day and doesn’t count for the following: Have a sit down and be ready to stop any and all things you don’t do just for yourself, be petty about it. Be ready to leave if it doesn’t get better,

he takes your efforts for granted and likely has some outdated and sexist ideas about labor division. (Having a vagina does not make household chores fun) It is valid to leave a loved person behind, because they create a situation you are unhappy in.

You probably aren’t at that point yet, but I still felt like it needs to be said. Make all of this clear to him, say it once, follow through. Make your work visible, fill in this.