How do I (24F) tell him (24M) that I don’t want to cook for him anymore

A woman is frustrated that her boyfriend of four months expects her to cook elaborate meals every time he visits, despite her exhaustion and lack of interest in cooking. She’s searching for a polite way to establish boundaries without hurting his feelings.

‘ How do I (24F) tell him (24M) that I don’t want to cook for him anymore?’

How do I (24F) politely tell him (24M) to feed himself? So I’ve been seeing this guy for about 4 months now. We’ve gone on 10+ dates and now we’ve progressed to hanging out at my place.

I feel the need to be a proper host whenever he comes over so I always make breakfast & lunch/dinner whenever he stays with me. Now I’m thinking that was a bad idea because its like he EXPECTS me to cook for him every time he comes over.

I do feel bad though because he literally drives an hour and a half to spend time with me (I don’t drive) and I feel like I should be okay with cooking for him but it’s just so exhausting. I don’t even really cook for myself.

I make simple rice, bean, and protein dinners for myself but he always wants me to make something that is NOT that simple. It’s gotten to the point where I dread him coming over because I don’t want to have to cook for him.

I’m usually exhausted from work and just want to have s**, watch tv, and relax & whenever we’re hungry, make it a team effort to get/ make something to eat so it doesn’t all just fall on me. Is that wrong of me?

I feel like his mom or wife whenever he asks me “what’s for dinner?” & I’m not! I’m just a girl who’s been dating him for a few months so I definitely don’t think I should be feeling like his wife.

He’s also pretty picky whenever it comes to his food, there are a lot of things that he doesn’t like and certain temperatures he likes his foods to be cooked at. He won’t complain if it’s not right but it still makes me anxious that he won’t like it and it just adds on more stress about cooking for me.

Last week I asked him to come over and he was like “sure, what are you thinking of cooking?” and I wanted to say never mind right then and there but instead I just asked him what he wanted and no joke, he sent me a menu he made for what he wanted for breakfast and lunch and said we could figure out something else to eat for dinner.

This man wanted me to cook him THREE DIFFERENT MEALS! I literally told him I actually didn’t feel like cooking so I’d just order him something from doordash but he didn’t seem to want that.

We’re supposed to be hanging out again soon & I just know he’s gonna ask me to cook again. How do I politely tell this man that I am not his mother and that he needs to feed himself and stop depending on me to do it? (In a nice way please lol)

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

annang −  “I don’t actually really like cooking that much. I have rice and beans in the freezer we could eat, or you could cook, or we could go out to eat, or we could order takeout. Which of those do you prefer?” The problem is that when he asks you what you’re cooking for him, you capitulate, rather than telling the truth.

kittyroux −  You’ve been dating for four months and he already sucks. Finding out if people s**k is the point of dating, and when you find out they do s**k, the solution is to stop dating them and try someone else. It’s not like he’s unaware that cooking takes time, effort, and money. He just feels entitled to your time, effort, and money.

kgberton −  Your life is going to get a lot easier when you learn how to say no to stuff

yawaworthemn −  Seriously? You don’t even like this guy. He’s treating you like a personal chef. Throw this one back.

Dogzillas_Mom −  I got into one of these. When he asked me “what’s for dinner?” I’d be like, I don’t know I’m still working. Whatever you are making, I guess. What are you having?”. He shut the f**k right up. At a certain point, because of time, budget, or you just don’t f**king feel like it, you’re going to have to just straight up say, “I’m not cooking tonight.

(Do not give a reason or an excuse to open a negotiation.) I am making beans and rice. If you want some too, I’ll be happy to make more. But if you want something else, you’ll have to figure that out.” Do not apologize! Do not include the word “sorry” in any of this.

You are not being rude to set a boundary. “I am not cooking tonight.” Is a perfectly reasonable boundary. HE is being rude to expect it. To just assume you will feed him. (Does he contribute to the cost of groceries because men eat a LOT and would destroy my budget?)

Do not justify, argue, defend, or explain. Do not negotiate. Do not falter nor equivocate. He might throw a fit. He might get mad. He might whine and or try to wheedle you into it. Let him die mad about it. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t take responsibility for the care and feeding of himself.

That’s not going to be a partner who has your back when you’re down. A partner doesn’t expect you to wait on him hand and foot. That he is taking advantage of your good manners and generosity says to me that he isn’t all that great. Sounds kind of selfish and entitled to me.

needsmorecoffee −  He… sent you a menu. Of what to make for him. Girl, run. Run far and fast. He thinks he lucked out and found the motherlode, a woman who will wait on him hand and foot. Get the hell out of there.

Sunsetreddit −  “Hey, I know this isn’t your intention, but lately it feels like you expect me to cook for you when you come over, instead of us making something to eat together. I think I want to make sure that we don’t get into a pattern with that, so I suggest we just cook together for a while.”

The “I know this isn’t your intention”-part is both a way of making it a gentle comment and a way of implying that of COURSE he couldn’t *really* mean that, that would be so strange! Another way of stopping this (use this in *addition* to the first way)

Him: “what are you thinking of cooking?” You: “I don’t know yet, what do you *want to make*?” Start making the assumption that he will be participating in cooking.

-DexStar- −  If you haven’t said anything, he might believe you genuinely like cooking. Some people love it. Just let him know this isn’t usual and you’re getting a little burnt out and you’d enjoy it if he either returned the favor or you just got something quick and easy.

This is a fantastic time to see how he reacts and if he can take a “no” for an answer like a reasonable adult. This is information you *want early on* so you know how big of an a**hole he is or isn’t, and if you want him to reciprocate, you’ll have that information as well. You’re the only one allowed to waste your time.

not_falling_down −  Him: “What’s for dinner?” You: “Up to you – we can eat whatever you want to bring.”

SMTRodent −  It’s gotten to the point where I dread him coming over. If you both clicked, it wouldn’t have arrived at this point because you wouldn’t be worried about just saying something.

This is the honeymoon period! This is when it’s at it’s easiest! And you feel dread! Seriously, please take a nice long break from cooking and this man. Live your life as a free person for a while.