How do I [23 F] back away from this guy [31 M] without losing my favorite coffee shop?

A Reddit user (23F) shares her dilemma about how to distance herself from a man (31M) she met through her favorite coffee shop without causing discomfort or awkwardness, especially since the man is a regular at the cafe.

Despite initially enjoying their time together, the user is now feeling uncomfortable after he sent multiple intense messages following their date. Read the original story below.

‘ How do I [23 F] back away from this guy [31 M] without losing my favorite coffee shop?’

I live alone in a city and I’ve had some trouble making friends. I go to the same cafe every day and the owners have taken on almost a parental role since my family is so far away. I’m close with them and I trust them and they care about my wellbeing,

so when one of the owners, Sara, gave me the number of another regular, Derek, I trusted her judgment. I know Derek a little bit from spending time in the cafe. It’s a small place and we both sit at the counter so we can chat with the owners. Usually, we sit next to each other.

We’ve chatted about movies, he once helped me with my language homework, and he’s generally in the cafe hanging out most afternoons. Sometimes reading, sometimes working on his computer.

He’s also friends with the owners of the cafe and has always seemed like a nice person so I certainly wasn’t against getting to know him better. When Sara gave me his number yesterday, she was selling him pretty hard.

I asked her about the book she was reading and she said, “Derek lent it to me!” and when I asked about a card game she said, “Derek taught it to me!”. So I said, “okay, I get it. I’ll text him.”

I texted Derek after I left the cafe and I thought it was maybe a bad idea because if things went south, it would be uncomfortable to see him in the cafe almost every day. But it seemed like Derek had already set things in motion by asking Sara to slip me his phone number in the first place.

Derek told me that he could use more friends in the neighborhood and that he’d like to get to know me outside of the cafe, so we went out for a few beers. So, last night I learned that Derek is 31, unemployed, and he sees dead people. He’s a full-on weirdo, which is fine.

I still had fun hanging out with him and I didn’t feel unsafe or threatened until I got home. In the 10 minutes it took for me to get into my apartment and get ready for bed, Derek sent me about 20 messages about how he wanted to kiss me and asking if he could come upstairs.

I told him “no, thank you for a fun evening. good night.” and went to bed. My phone died overnight and when I woke up and plugged it in, he had sent me more messages confronting me about blocking his number, which I didn’t do. These messages were over the top and intense and honestly, they worry me a bit.

It’s obvious to me that I need to back away from this person, but right now I have no idea how to do that gracefully. I wouldn’t mind a friendship, but he’s made it clear that he’s interested in a romantic relationship.

I just want to be able to get coffee and enjoy myself without any awkwardness. What can I do? What should I say to Derek? And should I tell Sara that this guy freaked me out?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

prufock −  Screenshot the texts, tell Sara about your date (and your reservations about his mental well-being), and show her the screenshots. She is the owner, she has the right to refuse service if she feels someone is a threat to other customers.

You also say they have a “parental” role to you; someone in that role would likely want to protect you. Don’t blame her for setting you up (it doesn’t sound like you took much convincing, so his facade of normalcy must be pretty good),

and don’t demand she ban him from the store, but explain that you aren’t comfortable around him and let her take the lead and see what she does. As for Derek, block him. Don’t try to be his friend after he has already harassed you.

morbidcuriosityshop −  Block him, but take screenshots because you may need to go to the police if this escalates. He may be a stalker and you may need to get a restraining order from this guy if he’s already acting like this.

You guys aren’t even dating, and he’s sending you that many messages and being this controlling? Please contact a friend and tell them about the situation to ensure your safety. Losing your favorite coffee shop is the least of your problems.

[Reddit User] −  I’m just worried that he knows where you stay now.. does your building have security?

WalkingTaco42 −  Show Sara “the facts” and withhold judgmental statements like “he’s nuttier than squirrel poo!” and just say things like “The intensity he came at me with is too much, I don’t want a relationship like that”.

Your situation is kindof the same philosophy as not dating someone from work. If things go bad, you taint the place it started up at.
Giving Sara details is going to help your case here and get her support. Maybe tell Derek something mild like you don’t want that large of an age difference in a romance.

If he suggests hanging out as friends again just decline and say you aren’t interested in going out to whatever he invites you to. That way if you guys happen to be in the coffee shop at the same time, you will be still mostly strangers.

get_you_high_tonight −  Seems like you could just approach the lady and tell her what happened. Show her the texts if you want. If she’s a crazy person also and totally lacking empathy she will fail to see the problem and you’ll probably have to just find somewhere else to go.

If she’s normal, she’ll see the obvious problem and be on your side. If you’re expecting them to, like, kick him out forever or something though I wouldn’t hold your breath. He’s a customer just like you and they’re business owners in the end who might not want to lose a regular,

so your “family dynamic” there just might not remain the same if they try to stay neutral. It’s all up to them how it plays out, we can’t predict it. This is a great reason as to why you should personally vet people for extended lengths of time before giving out personal info or spending time with them socially though. Bummer this didn’t work out.

[Reddit User] −  Re: your update: she has now SPECIFICALLY asked you to tell her if he makes you uncomfortable. You need to show her the texts. She wants to know how bad it is and you downplayed his behavior to start with.

-YoungAtlas- −  COME ON!!!! You DIDNT TELL SARA THE MOST IMPORTANT PART!!!! You need to show her the creepy texts about wanting to kiss you and all the over the top texts! These people have known each other for a long time and he can lie about YOU.

Who do you think Sara will believe more? A friend she’s known for years or You? She NEEDS TO KNOW how weird this guy is, WITH EVIDENCE. Also homegirl, don’t even trip. Tell this weirdo that you would like to be friends and that is all. Go about your life as usual.

MrBushido9 −  and he sees dead people. What an amateur! You don’t reveal this until like the third date!

KnowOneHere −  You sound like a nice girl and it is sweet you want to be friends with this nutjob. Do not do that. Do not be friends with this unstable man. Please.. ​PS: I’m sorry this happened to you. :Until his true colors came out it was a nice story that I hoped would have nice ending.

jungstir −  Tell Sara that the chemistry is not there and if he becomes intrusive set boundaries immediately. It is your coffee shop too. You will have to be firm with Derek over time hopefully he will get the message and so will Sara

Have you ever been in a situation where you had to distance yourself from someone in a sensitive environment? What would you say to Derek in this situation? How would you handle telling the cafe owners without causing too much drama? Share your advice below!