AITAH For Telling My Future MIL That If She Wants Me To Have a Large Wedding, She Can Pay For It?
A bride-to-be shares her dilemma after clashing with her future mother-in-law over wedding plans. Despite her and her fiancé’s decision to have a small courthouse wedding and use the money set aside for the ceremony to pay off her student loans, her future MIL insists on a large family celebration.
When the bride suggests that her MIL cover the costs if she wants a big wedding, tensions escalate, leaving her wondering if she’s in the wrong.
‘AITAH For Telling My Future MIL That If She Wants Me To Have a Large Wedding, She Can Pay For It?’
29F here. I recently got engaged to my fiancé Ryan (30M). He was actually my high school sweetheart, but we broke up during college, and have been back together for the past seven years.
Some context is that I am the youngest of three girls. My parents are both doctors, and they have done quite well for themselves. I think my future in-laws think they’re much wealthier than they actually are. Most of their money has gone into mine and my sisters educations, and so they still have to think about money and how much they’re spending.
My parents were kind enough to pay for my private college, but I had to cover law school on my own. I still have close to 100K to pay off. I make good money now and will be able to pay it off on my own, but also, Ryan and I want to buy a house and have children, and so the debt is stressful. Also, a sizable percent of my salary for the past several year has gone towards paying off my debt.
My dad pulled me aside when I got engaged and told me that he set aside 75k for each of his daughters for weddings. My oldest sister had a huge, fancy wedding and spent most of the money on a ceremony. My other sister had a modest wedding, and put the rest of the money towards a down payment on a house. My dad basically said the money is mine to do what I want with, whether I want to spend it all on a wedding or put all of it towards my student-loans or something else.
I spoke to Ryan about this, and we agreed that I should put all of the money towards my student loans. Neither of us care about having a huge wedding, and we’d much rather get my debt paid off quickly so we could start saving for a house. My parents think this is a smart decision, and are happy I’m using the money sensibly. They also know I’ve never been someone who cared about having a fancy wedding, and always thought I’d use the money for something else.
When I told Ryan’s parents that we’re going to do a courthouse wedding, my future MIL Jan was upset. Jan said that my oldest sister had a beautiful wedding, and asked why I didn’t want the same. I explained the situation to her, and that I’d rather put the money my parents set aside towards my loans and have a small celebration with our close family and friends. When I say small, I mean our parents, siblings, one or two close friends, and that’s it. To be honest, if it was up to me, I’d just want it to be me and Ryan, but I think both of our families would be hurt by this, and so I want include at least parents and siblings.
Jan told Ryan and I that we were being selfish, since weddings are about uniting families and celebrating with loved ones, and we’re putting our needs before that. She also said that we’re both attorneys and aren’t exactly struggling to pay the bills. She asked if we’d consider putting half of the money towards a ceremony and half of it towards my loans, and we said no. She then started saying that she had a ton of relatives who wanted to be included in the ceremony and will be disappointed that they don’t get to see Ryan get married.
Ryan told his mom she was being a hypocrite since she literally eloped and didn’t include her family in the ceremony. Jan started crying, and saying it was a huge mistake to not have her family there, and she didn’t want Ryan to make the same mistake. I stepped in and told Jan that if she wanted to pay for a wedding where all of her relatives would be included, then Ryan and I would be happy to take her up on it, but the money would have to come from her since she’s the one who cares about us having a large wedding.
This upset Jan, and she told me that the woman’s family is supposed to pay for the wedding. She said that it’s selfish that two doctors wouldn’t help with my student loans and also pay for a ceremony. This set me off, since my parents have been extremely generous with me, including paying 100% of my undergrad tuition. I told Jan that my parents have worked hard for my sister’s and I to have everything we needed growing up and to pay for our educations, and I don’t feel right asking them to contribute to a fancy ceremony on top of everything they’ve already given me.
Ryan was furious, and told his mom that he doesn’t want her at our wedding if she’s going to act like this. We ended up leaving, and Ryan hadn’t spoken to his mom since. I talked to my oldest sister, and she thinks I’m being selfish too. She says I should put some of the money towards a wedding and some of it towards my loans, so our families could enjoy the special occasion. But I’ve never wanted a big wedding and I’m stressed about my loans and just want them paid off. AITAH?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Novel-Sprinkles3333 – If she wants a $75,000 party, she can pay for it. You and Ryan want a stable future, which is a much more sensible plan than a huge expensive single day. Memories are great. So is financial stability.
KeyHovercraft2637 – If you and your fiancé don’t want a wedding then that’s all you need to know. No is a complete sentence. They can hold a big party for everyone to get together and “celebrate” your marriage. With the economy what it is you are making a sound and reasonable decision. As you also pointed out your parents are more than generous with their children. Even if they were billionaires they aren’t required to finance anyones wedding. While they may make great money they also earned it by themselves.
HodlNever – “Not The Asshole Here” (NTAH). It’s none of your MIL’s business; you and your fiancé are making a responsible and sensible choice. It’s your wedding and your life, regardless of what your sister and MIL think. Never give in to pressure to do something you don’t want to do, and stick to your decision. Additionally, you deserve praise for your financial responsibility and refusal to take on additional debt.
Contribution4afriend – NTA and Ryan understand quite clearly that his mom is not making any sense here. I would even guess she would use your wedding as an excuse to wear a light color, have a dance with her husband and a speech. You are right. She is using your wedding and family’s wealth to plan her own dream wedding. And no, your parents shouldn’t be the ones to afford all those bills.
Sorry, but I can’t find a post here that had a MIL that wore white/bege at an OPs wedding. Her maid of honor threw red paint on her before the wedding started. The groom wasn’t mad either. You should suggest she use her own family’s money that wasn’t used on her wedding to either help yours or do a renovation of vows (and invite the 200 guests she wants).
Agoraphobe961 – NTA. Your oldest sister wants you to have the blow out wedding because she’s having regrets about blowing hers on a big party instead of a long term investment like student loans or a house. You having a big wedding would “justify” her choice a bit more.
$75k is a massive chunk of change that will definitely give you a great jump start on your life together. Your parents are awesome for thinking ahead to have that set aside and doubly so for letting you choose what to do with the money free and clear.
MonsieurJoieDeVivre – NTA – She’s obviously trying to regain something she regrets (her elopement) by living vicariously through you. This is a narcissistic mistake some weak parents make thinking their children are literally extensions of themselves.
If she had any self-accountability she would just hold a vow renewal for herself if she’s still married or at least throw a party for you both. Also, you need to make it absolutely clear she has no say over your money and certainly not your parent’s money because she seems to not respect that boundary. (She sounds like that typical person who makes excuses for her own situation and presumes everyone has it easier than her.)
Edit: Also you were too nice in saying she could pay for the wedding. Neither of you want a big wedding. So don’t do it. You don’t want to let her cause any resentment in the beginning of this new chapter. She can throw a party for you both instead to “unite the families” like it’s Game Of Thrones if she wants.
Weary_Usual5332 (OP) – 100%… she puts a ton of pressure on Ryan in all sorts of ways (i.e. wanting him to live close to home because she moved away and misses her family) and lives through him. The vow renewal is a great idea! I should raise that.
You’re totally right though. I’m glad Ryan has gotten good at setting boundaries with her and sticking up for me. I really don’t think she’s ill-intentioned, but I do think she puts her needs/wants ahead of her son’s sometimes.
