Daughter’s friend (F18) is making me (M45) uncomfortable

A Redditor is facing an uncomfortable situation with his daughter’s 18-year-old friend, who has started exhibiting flirty and inappropriate behavior toward him, especially after his wife left. Despite his attempts to set boundaries, the behavior has escalated, including drunken calls for help late at night. He’s unsure how to handle the situation without making things worse. Read the original story below…

‘ Daughter’s friend (F18) is making me (M45) uncomfortable’

I have known this girl for years. She always was a sweet girl and one of the things I always liked about her and my daughter was that they were never the type to be 14 going on 40. Her family life is stable as far as I know and up until around 6 months ago she treated me like an adult – that is, a vaguely human shaped object that dispensed lifts and s**t music..

But around the time of my wife leaving my daughter and I, she and my daughter started making jokes between each other about getting me a new girlfriend. When I’d overhear, I’d ignore it and the two of them would go all red and embarrassed.. ​Then it seems to have escalated to her getting uncomfortably flirty with me.

I acted dumb initially, but had to actually say something to her about it, because it was getting way too… frank? It stopped for a while, but after turning 18, she started up again and just made fun of me when I try to tell her to stop.. ​So, to avoid anything else, I cut myself out of giving rides if she was in the party or being anywhere where she might be.

But the past two weekends, she has called me in the middle of the night drunk as hell saying that she is going to walk home if I don’t pick her up. So I pick her up, she gets really handsy to the point where I was having trouble driving, and every time I stop, she tries to put my hands on her..

The first time I got her home, she got herself under control, and while her mother raised an eyebrow, she mostly believed my denials of getting her into this state. The second time, she didn’t and it was bad. I was telling the truth, and even I thought I was a sleaze.

I told her mother that I was indeed stupid for not calling her instead and should the girl try anything like that again, I’ll call her instead of going anywhere.. ​I really don’t know what is going on here. I am a balding, overweight middle-aged man who feels like I am the b**t of a joke somewhere having this 18-year-old acting so obsessively over me.

I have spoken to my daughter about it who initially thought it was funny, but after a conversation with her friend is now kinda worried as well.. I am sure that something else is going to happen, and I just need some advice on getting her to realize she should be with boys her own age..

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

[Reddit User] −  Reverse this situation and have s** with her dad

Jerico_Hill −  Well if you will continue to allow yourself to be dragged into these situations don’t be surprised when this spirals out of control and ruins your life.
Don’t spend another moment alone with her.

I don’t care how drunk she is. Call her parents. Jesus dude. You won’t ever be able to get her to see she should be with boys her own age. The more you fight the bigger a challenge it will be to her. Cut her out and ban her from your house.

jellyfissure −  Let her walk home then or call her mum, when I was 18 and threw a fit because I wanted my boyfriend at the time to pick me up and said I had no way home it was purely because I wanted his attention and my way. I doubt she would actually walk if you didn’t come, she just knows you’ll go. There’s always a way home even if she calls a cab to her mums and her mum pays when she arrives.

goudentientje −  This is a very strange situation, but I think you need to sit down with her parents and her and set boundaries. With behaviour like this they need to be informed if she is living at home. Having your daughter there might be smart as well. Explain clearly that you are in no way interested in her and I guess hope the message gets through. She sounds like she might need therapy though.

[Reddit User] −  So for fucks sake, lay off the porn and have some god-damned sense. Applause, OP. You are a level headed, rational and empathetic man. I’m probably just repeating people but: – If she contacts you, call her parents – If you can, actually sit down with her parents (with your daughter by your side) and talk about the issue

– Is your daughter willing to talk to her friend? At 18, I would have been, but I’ve always been the kind of person that will confront people when they’re doing something terrible/stupid/etc. – Don’t ever be alone with her and make sure to keep any communication between the two of you in case you need it (whether for a restraining order or defense)

ezagreb −  You picked her up in the middle of the night ? Twice ? Dude you are encouraging her. Just avoid her – it’s not that hard and talk to your daughter again and ask her to tell her friend to back off (social media could be a big help here).

Eilonwymei −  So I kinda get it…when you’re used to seeing a kid for so long, especially one that’s so close to your daughter, different boundaries might come down as you get comfortable. But don’t forget: YOU ARE THE ADULT HERE. It is far past time to consider her feelings or the friendship between her and your daughter. It’s crisis control time..

a) Get her mother on board, just like her mother said. Whenever this girl calls you and is in danger, just ring up her parents. Never go to pick her up, never be with her alone again. Always involve her parents, which will recreate the trust. Also, the girl will stop if everytime she calls you, her parents end up picking her up and giving her an earful.

b) It’s great you had a convo with your daughter. Keep that up and be frank. Your daughter is your ally here in terms of maybe helping her friend move on. Hey, if she gets weirded out enough by the friend, your daughter might ditch her, which will make avoiding the girl that much easier.

c) Don’t let yourself get into any sticky situations. If she shows up at your house, don’t let her. Block the front door and start shouting what you’re saying if need be. (assuming your daughter isn’t home). Tell your daughter the girl’s not allowed over anymore and your daughter can hang with her at other places.

d) Record your conversations if need be. Any\* type of such evidence is your friend. Don’t be afraid to involve her parents or the cops. Just don’t go to her anymore. She’s not your kid. Her danger/situation is on her parents.

mangonlime −  Every time she contacts you for inappropriate things, ie not to speak to your daughter or about her, contact her parents. She is still a child, years be damned. So treat her like one. Involve her parents, do not be alone with her. Do not talk to her about anything that isn’t the weather. If she tries, leave the conversation, leave the situation,just leave. Keep a distance. Wait it out.

Whatever happens between your daughter and her is up to them. Don’t get involved. Support your daughter. Make it abundantly clear in any situation that calls for it. If she tries to create any scenarios where involving a third party/parents might result in self inflicted harm/risk taking behaviour, involve her parents/authorities.

You are not her parent, don’t let her build on your sense of responsibility for her and perhaps, also your desire to treat her as an emerging adult. That can be done once she stops this nonsense. You sound like a good person and a good father.

Protect yourself and daughter first. Minimise all risks to yourselves. Children in adult form are the most dangerous- they risk everything, of their own and of others, and have the means and lack of foresight to do real harm when they do go all in.

Shazz_Radbandit −  Yes, don’t have any direct contact with her, unless she is with your daughter. You need to act like a parent – if this was your daughter doing this with her friends father, what would you expect him to do? Do not do anything that will in anyway encourage her behaviour. If something was to happen, this would affect way too many lives in a negative way.

HoneyNJ2000 −  Sorry, but you’re a little too old to be playing the innocent ingenue where little Lolita is concerned. You know **exactly** what shes all about and you know she’s acting foolishly toward you and extremely inappropriately and you LIKE it and want the attention or you’d SHUT IT DOWN.

Hell, you couldn’t even keep yourself from bragging about it here on Reddit to a bunch of strangers – but presenting it all in the good name of ‘concern’ for her, of course. My spidey senses tell me that your intentions aren’t as pure as you’d like us to believe.

You’re enjoying the attention and bragging about it here and probably to all your buddies as well, about how some hot little 18/19 year old is coming onto you every chance she gets. Let’s call a spade a spade, shall we? Don’t misunderstand – I didn’t say you were going to ‘go for it.’ I said you LIKE the attention and “dancing around the pit” with this girl without taking it to it’s limits.

If you **REALLY** didn’t want any part of this, you’d simply hang up the phone after she calls you for a ride from the bar and call her MOTHER and tell her to go get her kid at the bar. I mean come on – her mother was home and WATCHED you bring her kid in – twice – so there’s no reason you can’t call her mother and tell her that her daughter is at the bar and needs a ride home, thank you and goodnight.

Or you’d call an UBER for her or a Lyft, or a taxi, etc. etc. LOTS of drunk people call for rides at the end of the night, it’s **not** unique! I think you like the attention and you like the drama and you like this girl coming onto you so you try to justify being around her by claiming it’s all fatherly concern you have, so you HAVE to stay involved. Pfffft.. I’m calling bull on it.

How should someone handle an inappropriate dynamic like this without escalating the situation? What boundaries could he set to protect both parties? Share your insights below!