Boyfriend (25M) became disabled and I (25F) want to break up but I’d feel like a terrible person. How do I handle this?

A Redditor shares their frustration with their sister-in-law (SIL), who repeatedly brings food to their dinner parties despite being asked not to due to family allergies. After several polite requests, the SIL shows up with cornbread once again, leading the Redditor to throw it away. This action sparks an argument, and now both the SIL and Redditor’s brother are upset. Read the original story below to find out more.

‘ Boyfriend (25M) became disabled and I (25F) want to break up but I’d feel like a terrible person. How do I handle this?’

I (25F) have been with my boyfriend (25M) since high school. Unfortunately, he got into a car crash and became disabled below his waist. I wished to be by his side during his recovery. Disabilities have never been a deal-breaker for me, and I loved him, so while this is going to be a struggle at first, I believed that we’d be able to overcome this.

I tried to participate in his recovery by being there with and for him during physical therapy, I moved into his parents’ house to help his parents to take care of him because he is unable to do many tasks without assistance. My job is very close to their parents’ place, and my manager allows me to clock-out in case my BF’s parents need my help with things like getting my boyfriend to the hospital and such.

But my boyfriend just completely shut down. I understand that this is a life-changing injury and at such a young age this is absolutely devastating, but he just doesn’t want me anywhere near him.

I tried to take him out to concerts, plays, organize picnics, trips – just make him believe that his life didn’t end with his injury and he is capable of living a fulfilling life. But he was just indifferent to it all. Therapy doesn’t seem to help him because he still seems to be completely dissociated from everything.

I couldn’t see him like this anymore and I demanded to tell me everything that’s on his mind, and he just said that he is angry about everything, that he feels like I’m here only out of moral obligation, that he doesn’t feel like a proper boyfriend because he can’t do anything for himself, that he wants to be a “real man” but he isn’t even able to make love to me anymore etc.

I tried to be empathetic and told him that if I’ve been here for this long after the accident, it’s obviously not an issue to me because I still love him. He just scoffed and it seemed like he didn’t believe me.

Now it’s come to a point where he’s throwing things at me demanding me to leave the room. He’s ignoring me, and when he’s not, he insults me. He’s even throwing the food I bring him on the floor like a child. He became emotionally a**sive, and I’d be lying if I said that I still love him.

I genuinely wanted to be there for him because I’ve seen stories where people after intense physical therapy manage to get back on their feet and walk with some assistance, and I believed that he might be able to do it too – I believe that miracles exist, and the human body is a fascinating thing, maybe he’d be able to walk again, he just needed a lot of work and faith in himself.

But he became so n**ty, rude, hurtful that… I dunno, I think I just fell out of love with him. I approached his mum and told her that I feel like I probably don’t love him anymore because he’s been so hurtful towards me for 2+ years now, and I just can’t endure it anymore. I don’t deserve this.

His mum immediately got defensive saying that he’s suffered a great psychological trauma after the accident and it’s normal for him to be so depressed. I completely understand that but it doesn’t give him a green light to be so hurtful towards people who are actually trying to help him.

His mum asked me to stay because my boyfriend needs my support, but judging from his behavior he doesn’t want or need me at all. Maybe he’s doing it on purpose to push me away, but at this point I don’t care anymore – I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

I’m tired. I tried for a long time. He shut me out. I want to break up with him, but I’d feel like an absolute trash human being for leaving a person behind when they need me the most. But at the same time I can’t endure this anymore. I want to leave, but I don’t want to be “that person”, if you know what I mean.. I am at a loss. I need advice.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

cordebono −  I’d say leave. You are not a trash person. You stayed and moved in with his parents and supported him. You did all you can, but at the end of the day you are still a person with feelings. What he is doing on purpose or not is just cruel.

Choose yourself and leave. Like you said you can’t help someone who does not want to be helped. They will see you as ‘that person’, but just know in reality you are not.

ConIncognito −  Of course his mom wants you to stay, you’re a free live-in nurse for them. But it’s not your responsibility to give up your life to take care of your boyfriend, especially after he became a**sive. You stuck it out for two years, that’s enough.

Oh_Wiseone −  First of all, I want to acknowledge the truly selfless thing you have done for more than 2 years. Besides taking care of your bf, have you dealt with the grief of losing the life that you planned with him? It must have been devastating for you too. If you have suppressed your own feelings, then please get therapy to take care of yourself.

Next, this is an a**sive relationship. The reason why he treats you this way is no longer relevant. You need to get out for your own mental safety. His mother is defending her son, because this is also a tragedy for her. But that does not make her right – don’t let her guilt you into staying. I wish you the best.

_coffee_kat_ −  My ex became disabled from the knees down not a year into our relationship. I stuck with him. Hospitals, therapy. Converting my house as much as i could to make it better for him. He was able to start walking again with assistance. It was draining though.

I was constantly hurting myself trying to help him. (He was much bigger than me). It actually got worse when he was able to get his license back(emotional abuse and manipulation became clearer)He got into another car accident became paralyzed from the waist down.

I felt so stupid because i was blinded by love that i didn’t realize he had become addicted to the pain pills, how much hurt he was putting me through. It was like a light switch was turned off, i no longer loved nor was i in love with him. They call it d**th by a thousand cuts for a reason. You need to love yourself more than anyone else

HaoDisHappen −  I think it’d be helpful for you to stop thinking of it like you’re abandoning him or leaving him because of his injury. You definitely aren’t. You’d leave him because of his *abuse*. I’d tell him as much. It’s one thing to care for someone and help them when life throws them for a loop.

It’s another to allow yourself to be abused because another person refuses to regulate their emotions and doesn’t possess the tenacity to become the best they *can* be. Being merciful, I’d understand if he was that way for a few months after the accident.

But it’s been *two years*, and he’s allowed himself to become *cruel* towards you. That right there is the critical point. All feelings aside, that should be behavior you do not tolerate to stay around, period.

It’s awful what he’s gone through, and it’s easy to think maybe it’s just part of the healing process and that anger is normal – anger *is* normal. But hating the people around you and harming the ones you love (emotionally, physically, any way at all that was intentional) is *not* normal.

Speedyandspock −  Paralyzed guy here: you need to break up with him and he needs to hit rock bottom/go to therapy. Don’t beat yourself up. This is his journey.

-Liriel- −  Leave. Write him a letter, explain exactly what drove you away. The emotional and physical abuse (throwing things is abuse). Use as many examples as possible, all the things that aren’t related to his disability but were just him throwing a tantrum.

I totally understand why he’s doing it, but it isn’t acceptable and you shouldn’t pretend that it is You don’t deserve to be his punching bag, and you definitely don’t help him by staying and enabling his behavior.

LighthouseonSaturn −  You gave it 2 years, that is more than enough time. He isn’t just depressed, he is being a**sive. His tragedy does not give him a free pass to abuse others. Yes, you should leave. But do not expect his parents to be on your side.

You are basically a live in nurse at this point and they are only looking out for themselves and their son. They do not have YOUR best interest at heart. I would make plans to leave quietly. Get all important documents out of the house and anything of value. Tell them your leaving after you have other arrangements made.

Every_Appearance_237 −  At this point you’d be leaving because he’s a**sive to you and not because he’s disabled.

Intelligent_Oil9293 −  Most people don’t end up with their high school romance. On top of that yours is being very cruel. Break up with him and be clear that it is because he doesn’t treat you with kindness anymore. If this was the first week of his injury or even the first few months (of course), more time might help. But it has been two years. Time to let go.

Do you think the Redditor was justified in throwing away the cornbread, or was the sister-in-law just trying to contribute in her own way? How would you handle a similar situation with family members who don’t respect your wishes? Share your thoughts below!