Bf‘s friendship with coworker feels like dating—how do I handle this?

A Redditor shared her dilemma about her boyfriend’s (31M) growing friendship with a female coworker, which feels uncomfortably close amidst a challenging time in their 7-year relationship. With repeated meetings that seem “date-like,” she’s struggling to balance trust in him with her own feelings of unease. Read the full story below.

‘ Bf‘s friendship with coworker feels like dating—how do I handle this?’

I (F29) and my boyfriend (M31) have been together for 7 years, but we’re currently going through a bit of a relationship crisis because we’ve been neglecting our connection amidst everyday routines. Three weeks ago, we talked about it for the first time.

Shortly after, he was away for work for two weekends. After his last trip, he talked a lot about a female colleague he had gotten to know better during the trip, even though he had rarely mentioned her before.

A week later, he told me he planned to grab coffee on Sunday with three coworkers. I found that surprising because Sundays are usually reserved for us, and he sees his coworkers every day anyway. Fifteen minutes later, he admitted that he actually planned to meet only this female coworker but was worried I wouldn’t be okay with it. I was disappointed but told him it was fine.

That Sunday, he left around noon but didn’t come back until 8 PM. He said they had gone for a long walk and then had wine together. I told him I would’ve appreciated it if he had let me know it was going to be that late. Later, I saw that he messaged her after the meeting saying, “Yeah, I thought it was chill too.”

That gave me a bad feeling because, to me, the meeting felt like a date. I brought it up with him, and he admitted it wasn’t well thought-out. After that, I noticed they were texting each other every day (I didn’t read the messages).

On Thursday, they went out for lunch together—she had already asked him on Sunday, and he said he didn’t want to cancel because it would have been rude, even though he was on vacation. I couldn’t understand it, especially since their first meeting had already hurt me, and he himself admitted that it could look like a date from an outsider’s perspective.

That weekend, he asked me if it was okay to meet her again on Monday after work. After long discussions, I agreed but made it clear I didn’t want it to drag on too long. Later, he told me they had spontaneously gone to the movies after grabbing something to eat, which again felt very “date-like” to me.

He acknowledged this, apologized, and repeatedly assured me he wasn’t interested in her romantically. I trust my boyfriend and don’t believe he’s cheating or hiding anything from me.

However, I don’t understand why he can’t take a break from seeing her for a couple of weeks—especially during a difficult time in our relationship. I’m unsure if I’m overreacting by wanting that. He has other female coworkers he texts regularly, but he never meets them in his free time or while he’s on vacation.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

yoshi320 −  So he’s dating that other girl and you’re okay with it? You have been giving him permission to cheat on you, basically. I don’t see how this ends well for you.

skshad −  Your boyfriend is dating her with your permission.

RGV4RCV −  he admitted that he actually planned to meet only this female coworker but was worried I wouldn’t be okay with it. I was disappointed but told him it was fine. It’s not fine. You need to tell him you are not ok with him dating her. But it sounds like your relationship is almost over.

ok-language-nerd-511 −  Girl, you are in denial. He is lying to your face, cheating on you with your permission, g**lighting and manipulating you, and you keep saying it’s fine. Where is your dignity? Do you have coworkers? Have you ever done that with any of them? My dear, ultimatum you or her. Then going no contact, changing departments or even work. If he declines, it’s time to say bye.

EdenRose22 −  Yes, men and women can be friends. You know what makes that work? Clear boundaries. I’ve been with my partner for the better half of a decade (you and I are the same age) and I would absolutely not be okay with this. Neither would my partner. It’s not about trust, it’s about respect.

The way he’s going about it is screaming red flags. He’s telling you one thing and his behaviour is showing you something else. The fact he knew you would be uncomfortable about them getting coffee alone so he lied is not okay.

You have every right to ask for clearer boundaries. And if he doesn’t want to upset her but is okay upsetting you, then you need to decide if you’re okay being with a man who will not put your (very justified and reasonable) feelings first.

Frumbleabumb −  He’s dating her already. People don’t have this much interest in an opposite person, co worker or otherwise, unless there’s a romantic spark.

fakeidentity256 −  It’s an emotional affair. I can’t imagine wanting to spend that much time with someone that I didn’t actually like. Even if they “didn’t touch”. Just imagine a coworker that you absolutely am not interested in. Can you imagine wanting to go for hour long walks and wine and movie and lunch on your day off??

gdognoseit −  He went on a date with her.

Teets814 −  If he isn’t already cheating, he is going to. I’m sorry but this is all incredibly inappropriate. He needs to totally cut her off.

Etc09 −  Of course you’re right that members of the opposite sexes can be strictly friends, but this isn’t what is REALLY happening here.

Is it reasonable to ask for boundaries in a friendship when your relationship is struggling? How would you address a situation like this while maintaining trust and open communication? Share your thoughts below!