Am I a j**k for asking for space?

A 28-year-old woman is feeling overwhelmed by the constant communication demands of her boyfriend, with whom she has been in a long-distance relationship. While she loves him and enjoys spending weekends together, his desire for frequent calls and Facetime sessions has been draining her.

After feeling mentally exhausted, she asked for some space, but he became upset and accused her of not caring about him. She struggles with whether she’s being insensitive or if it’s reasonable to ask for a little time to herself. read the original story below…

‘ Am I a j**k for asking for space ?’

Me (28 F) and my boyfriend (28 M) started out in a long-distance relationship. We were only able to talk after a certain time at night, for a couple hours each day. That’s how we built out relationship & it’s been going on for about a year. Now he lives closer and we spend every weekend together.

I love spending my weekends with him and I love him. We plan on moving in together this summer (in 6 months) Lately however, he’s wanted to call/ facetime first thing in the morning, on our lunch breaks and in the evening for long periods of time.

I’ve started getting kind of irritable with him because that’s just a lot and I feel like I need space! Today, I am suffering from great mental fog and just not feeling the best and I asked him for a little space. I still called him on my break and let him know I love him and I’m just not feeling 100%.

Now he’s angry and basically saying when he stops caring about me or getting excited to talk to me, don’t be surprised. I even tried to talk with him through it and reassure him but he says he doesn’t want to talk at all.

I can’t tell if I’m being insensitive to his feelings but I can’t bring myself to care whether or not his feelings are hurt because I don’t feel like I’m in the wrong for needing a little space. I can imagine it’s hurtful being on the receiving end of someone asking for space..

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

maricopa888 −  The most obvious thing here is you need to stop talking about living together. As a couple you’re not ready to even be thinking about this, and your question proves it. There’s nothing weird at all about wanting space, but now picture it with the 2 of you in the same home.

On the rest, it’s about couples communication (just like everything else is). Make sure he understands exactly what it means when you need or want this. If he over-reacts, like he did here, you have to ask the tough questions.

Why does he think it’s wrong if a partner needs space? How does he interpret it? Does he understand this won’t be the last time you need space, but you can’t have him responding as if it’s a punishment?

Ghostnugget −  It sounds like he’s hurt you want space (a resonable ask) and is weaponizing his emotions to justify potentially hurting you in return.
Obviously this is an emotionally immature way for him to handle his feelings, but you can’t handle them for him.

I’d say your move is to have a more candid conversation about why you don’t want to talk as much and see how he takes it. If he throws a tantrum or implies he will return what he’s perceiving as a slight (as he’s already done), he’s not mature enough to keep dating.

If he’s willing to hear you and work on respecting the boundary you’re setting up, he’s worth investing in. My money, based on this limited information, is you’ll be single soon. I feel like giving him an opportunity is worth a shot though.

Rich_Occasion_8483 −  I tried explaining again that my needing space doesn’t reflect my lack of love for him and he’s saying things like “I hear you but actions speak louder than words”

chicolegume −  The good thing is he’s showing you his true colors before you two have moved in together. You are not being insensitive. He is showing you that he considers his needs and wants more important than yours. This is not the behavior of someone emotionally mature enough to build a life with someone else.. Best of luck.

Regular-Pepper-7420 −  Don’t move in bc this trait only gets worse.

Far_Refrigerator5601 −  Before jumping to calling him m**ipulative and breaking up- I would be transparent about the level of communication you need and time spent together. Let him know that his hurt feelings don’t justify being pouty and m**ipulative. Then see if things change.

tearoom442 −   I can imagine it’s hurtful being on the receiving end of someone asking for space. Ok, but how would you react *if someone you loved* made the same request of you?? I know there’s a saying that “People don’t learn from others’ mistakes” and it’s probably true, but ugh it is so, so frustrating.

As an older person, I see things so clearly now and it amazes me what people \*don’t\* see, like they are in a fog…but I have to remember I was the same when I was younger. All that to say, I have had this exact experience. This is not about love, or “missing you”, or codependence. It’s about power and control.

His *anger* at your expressing completely reasonable preferences in a caring way to him is not a red flag, it’s a stop sign. If you proceed in this relationship, I 100% guarantee you a future of guilt-tripping, manipulation, g**lighting, anger, and escalating emotional and verbal abuse.

You probably don’t believe it because of how wonderful he is, but it’s true. A person who loves and respects you (ie, who is capable of love and respect) will not act this way. You will always, only, ever get anger from him whenever you don’t cater to his needs.

Ok_Welcome4186 −  I find it a bit strange you say you don’t care if his feelings are hurt cos your not in the wrong for wanting space? You are entitled to space but why would you not care he has taken offence? Me and partner onlyy saw each other at weekends for the first year of our relationship.

We would video call each other in morning during day at night..because we both wanted to.if he had suddenly asked not too ..and for space my feelings would have been hurt also but I’m sure he would have actually cared and we would have sorted it out.. Why do you not care ?

It’s important in a relationship to communicate your needs, but finding a balance between giving and taking space is key. How would you handle a situation where your partner wanted constant contact, but you needed some space? Share your thoughts below!