AITAH For Telling My Mom That My Wife Wasn’t The Only One Who Lost A Child And Refusing To Tell Her I’m Fine When I’m Not?
A man struggling with grief after the loss of his newborn daughter faces tension with his mother, who is supporting him and his wife. He’s been transparent with his wife about his feelings, but his mom insists he should minimize his sadness to ease his wife’s guilt, especially given her deeper trauma as the one who carried the baby.
He believes honesty is better, but his mom feels it’s selfish. read the original story below…
‘ AITAH For Telling My Mom That My Wife Wasn’t The Only One Who Lost A Child And Refusing To Tell Her I’m Fine When I’m Not?’
32M. These have been the most difficult three weeks of my life. My dear wife Hailey (31F) went into premature labor and we lost our daughter a few hours after she was born. My mom has been kind enough to stay with us for a few weeks.
Hailey’s mom passed away when she was in elementary school , and my mom wants to do what Hailey’s mom would probably do for her if she were here.
I actually am already back to work. For me, it’s helpful to stay busy to keep my mind off things.
The issue is that when I’m home, Hailey pretty much avoids me as much as possible. She doesn’t want to talk about what happened and spends the evenings watching tv in the living room with me and my mom until she’s ready to go to bed.
The only time we’re alone is when we sleep and when I try and ask how she’s doing, she says she doesn’t want to talk about it. I sometimes tell my wife that I’m having a hard time and am having trouble focusing at work, but these conversations last for five minutes tops and then we go to bed.
She’s sweet and supportive when I talk to her, but she usually gets teary and expresses how sorry she is that I’m going through this. We usually cook dinner to save money, but every night for the last two weeks or so, I’ve picked up food from Hailey’s favorite places.
Today I got her curry from her favorite Indian place and also picked up cookies from her favorite bakery. The issue is my wife loses her appetite when she’s sad, and she hardly makes a dent in the food I get her.
She does seem appreciative though, and once cried when she saw the food I got her and thanked me for thinking of her. Today, she hardly touched her food. I told my wife she needs to eat, and she said she’s not hungry.
I told her I’m worried about her not eating, and she started crying, told me to leave her alone, and stormed out. I tried to follow her, but my mom told me to give her space. My mom then said that I’m not making her feel better by bringing these fancy dinners when she can hardly bring herself to eat.
I explained that I don’t know what else to do, and my mom says I could stop telling her how sad I am, assure her I’m fine, and tell her everything is going to be okay. This confused me, since I obviously feel like s**t right now.
My mom explained that Hailey and her have been talking, and my wife feels immense guilt even though she knows logically it’s not her fault. She’s told my mom that she can see how sad I am and it kills her because she blames herself.
This obviously hurt to hear because I obviously don’t want her to feel any guilt over what happened or to worry about me instead of focusing on her own recovery. I told my mom that I would reassure Hailey that what happened isn’t her fault and that I’ll stay away from talking about my feelings unprompted,
but I feel weird saying I’m fine when I’m not. My mom then said that as hard as it is for me, it’s 100 times worse for Hailey because she was the one who carried our daughter and felt her kicking inside of her. I said I can’t imagine what she’s going throug and acknowledge that it’s probably way worse for her, but I lost a child too.
My mom says that I can talk to her or a therapist about it, but I should be strong for my wife right now and assure her everything is okay as much as possible. Deep down I don’t think Hailey would want this, because she’s always encouraged me to talk about my feelings.
I truly think she’d only want to hear that I’m “fine” if it’s the truth. I told my mom that I’m going to be honest with my wife if she asks me, and my mom said I was being s**fish and not grasping how big of a loss this was for her.
I asked my mom if she ever stopped to consider my feelings, and she said she came out here to help me take care of my wife because she loves me. I’m truly shocked by my mom’s reaction to all this.
She’s always encouraged me to express my feelings and has never told me to swallow them or be dishonest before. It makes me think I did something wrong by expressing my sadness to Hailey and not doing enough to assure her that I’ll be okay. AITAH?
Here’s what Redditors had to say:
Zscalerrguy − Condolences to ALL y’all. Suppressing ain’t the answer. Therapy is a good start. Tell your wife the things your mom said, and ask her if that true. Give your wife little love notes. Take her on walks. ee if she’s got post-pardon …. There’s a lot going on. I’ll bet your wife doesn’t want you to man up, she just doesn’t know how to help you both grieve. Best of Luck.
SquirrelSimple231 − I have an 11 month old. If something happened to him and my husband told me he was “fine”, I would be crushed. This was your baby too. Bottling up won’t help, and it’s wrong for your mom to be dismissive. I recommend therapy for both of you, individual and couples when your ready. Condolences and wishing you comfort.. NTA.
JoyfulSong246 − There is a concept around the circles of grief. There is the centre – the person or people who are the most severely affected – and then circles of people around them who are less and less affected.
The idea is that people should support others who are closer to the centre, and only ask for support from people farther out. The trouble here is that different people might have different views of who is in the centre.
To me, you and your wife might both be in the centre, or you might be a bit outside, with her alone in the centre. This is a question for the both of you to answer. Is this something you are supposed to be supporting her through, or is it equally difficult for you? There’s no right answer- and whatever the answer, neither of you should feel like you are doing this alone.
CymruB − I can only imagine the pain you’re all feeling. If I was in your wife’s situation I think I’d need a lot of reassurance right now. Not only might she feel guilty, but her body is getting over a baby with no baby to hold.
I also wonder if your mother’s presence might be hampering any open communication you might be having with your wife. Always be honest with her, don’t be afraid to say “this is hard”. Tell her how much you love and admire her.
If either of you have any medical questions about what happened, you can have a meeting with your care provider/midwife to go through it. Your midwife should also be able to suggest special counselling service for you. In the U.K. there’s https://www.sands.org.uk/ for baby loss support, I’m sure there’s an equivalent in the US.
I_wanna_be_anemone − You need therapy. Bottling it up won’t help, it’ll only lead to resentment and an explosion from one of you that your relationship might not survive.
You should aim for individual therapy and couples therapy. Individual for expressing your feelings and learning to come to terms with your new reality, couples for help communicating and finding ways you can support each other.
Honestly though, I’m wondering if your mom staying is doing more harm than good. While it’s a relief that your wife is opening up to her a bit, she seems to have taken on the role of therapist herself and is telling people what to do. Not suggesting. That… isn’t helpful.
There needs to be infinitely more communication, a lot more communication. Your wife will be better off with a professional than someone who will constantly be a physical reminder that your mom doesn’t have a grandchild right now. NAH because calling anyone trying to do their best while grieving such a fresh wound.
Southern-Influence64 − NTA. I am a grief counselor and I want to say that your instincts to be honest with your wife are good. It may hurt your wife to see you sad but in the long run it will hurt her infinitely more if she believes that the loss didn’t affect you deeply. I really can’t think of a time when lying is preferable to being honest.
KeyHovercraft2637 − Please consider therapy. It gives you a place to express all your feelings without having to measure your words. Gently urge your wife to consider grief therapy and assure her you love her unconditionally. I wish you both well and I’m very sorry for your loss.
VegetableBusiness897 − So sorry man. Been there. Your mom needs to go. You and your wife need to be together in your grief. If your mom want there these conversations would be had with you…even in the form of a fight (trust me)
Every cell in your wife’s body is crying out for a child that will never come…. PPD, PTSD and not only feeling the guilt, she thinks she needs to care for you too. Councilling for both of you. And I would find a support group for dads, people think dudes don’t suffer…but they do.. Peace to you both
notyourstranger − Oh dear, My sincerest condolences for your loss. I’m so sorry for your mom’s dismissive response. You’re NTA You did nothing wrong by expressing your feelings. Dismissing your grief is cruel, men are human too.
Your wife is consumed by grief and does not have emotional bandwidth for anything else right now. That is valid but it is not a competition – you too experienced a significant loss. You do not need to tell your you’re fine. Pretending to be fine and suppressing your grief will not make it go away.
Letting your wife know you’re devastated is perfectly appropriate. NOT blaming her is paramount and so is letting her know you love her and that she was not in control of what happened to your child. She’s more than an incubator. Pregnancy is complex and sadly it does not always go well.
That does not mean there’s something wrong with her – or you. You all need to eat, expecting her to cook would be callus and you’re doing the best you can. You deserve to be acknowledged for being strong enough to take care of her in that way.
Allow your wife to wail and cry at the injustice of it all – it is hugely unfair to loose a child. Let her know the worst thing that could happen is loosing her too. Distractions are good but expect the grief to roar back at random times for random reasons. I wish you the very best during this difficult time.
purpleeeunicorn − It’s okay to set boundaries regarding how much emotional labor you take on while also supporting your wife. You need to take care of your own mental health too.
Should he downplay his emotions to comfort his wife, or stay true to their relationship’s usual honesty? Share your thoughts below!
