AITAH for telling my husband that he absolutely ruined the birth of our child?

A Reddit user (F, 30s) shared her traumatic experience of giving birth to her daughter with her husband’s insistence on having a home birth, despite her clear objections. During labor, her husband and his pushy doula overruled her desires to go to the hospital, leaving her feeling unsupported, scared, and overwhelmed.

After the birth, the user expressed her distress, telling her husband that he ruined the experience, but he dismissed her feelings. The user is now questioning whether she’s wrong for blaming her husband for the traumatic birth and refusing to consider a home birth in the future.

‘ AITAH for telling my husband that he absolutely ruined the birth of our child?’

Hi everyone. Our daughter is now 8 weeks old, so obviously this whole argument has gone on a very very long time. We both have been holding grudges and neither of us think that we are wrong. My husband does not know I am posting this, so I am going to keep it as anonymous as possible.

So when I got pregnant with my daughter, my husband started in immediately telling me that I should have a home birth. I really do not know why he was so adamant on it, but he was. At first, I brushed him off and told him I would think about it because I was only 6 weeks pregnant, and the birth seemed so far off.

Of course, it came quickly, and my husband would literally speak over me at doctors’ appointments when my doctor would ask if I had a birth plan. This caused a few arguments between us in those 39 weeks of pregnancy, but I never really changed my mind.

Eventually my husband’s mother sat down and talked to me, and she told me all of the reasons why they did not want me to go to a hospital for the birth. I expressed my concerns about you know, safety of the baby and myself but just like my husband, she brushed me off.

I ended up telling my husband that I would take myself to the hospital when it was time and that I did not want a home birth. He acted as if he didn’t hear me. We met with a doula who was also very pushy. I felt o**rwhelmed and not supported at all. I was 36 weeks at that point.

So, when I went into labor, I was 39 weeks, and I begged, absolutely begged my husband to take me to the hospital where my doctor is. He wouldn’t. He spoke to me condescendingly and called the doula instead. I was in labor for about 3 days, active labor for around the last 22 hours.

I cried the whole time. I just felt something was wrong. I was scared and often times they left me alone. The doula told me that if active pushing and labor reached 24 hours, I had to go into the hospital.

I remember thinking that I could not decide which was worse- staying in labor for another 2 hours or having my baby right there. When she was finally out, I don’t even remember wanting to hold her. I just remember crying out of relief.

Obviously, I am okay now, but I did not have a good experience. On my first appointment after birth with my doctor, she was very shocked I had the baby. She was concerned. I was so upset. I told my husband that he absolutely ruined it for me. I truly never want to go through that again.

I hear mothers say that they forget all the pain the second they have the baby, but I didn’t. I love my daughter so much, but it was horrible, and it was entirely his fault. So, I told him that, several times. He rolls his eyes every time and tells me how mothers are “strong” and how I am not trying to be strong.

I told him that if we ever have another baby – which he wants – that I will never do a home birth ever again. His response is “we’ll see”. I cannot possibly be TA here, can I? Everyone around me is acting like this is so normal, but it’s not. Is it?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Cute-Profession9983 −  This man and his family are a clear danger to you and your child

nutjolly −  If this is true: take the baby and f**king RUN!!!

LoosePassage4058 −  NTA. You’re not his wife, you’re his incubator. This is insane. “Mothers are strong, you’re not trying to be strong”. And just like that, he is blind to her humanity. Get out OP

Heraonolympia123 −  Info: where are you? Where I am, the doctors would have told anyone speaking over the pregnant women to stop and that their views actually mean very little. 

ShadowySylvanas −  Why are you still with a man who ignored all your wishes, and was able to ignore your crying, fear and pain for hours just to get his way? A normal loving person wouldn’t be able to stand seeing you suffering at all, let alone for this long. NTA but YWBTA if you stay with this a**sive p**ck.

agreensandcastle −  You are dramatically under reacting. Personally I’d try to press charges. I hope you learn to love yourself enough to leave.

nerd_is_a_verb −  NTA, and I’m concerned you and your child are in physical danger. INFO: is there a reason he would be trying to hide the pregnancy- like a disturbing age gap? Does he have a weird culty religion? Is he against blood transfusions and/or epidurals?

Does he believe any other insane things about raising children? Like breastfeeding or diet conspiracies? Is he demanding you not have a job and home school the kid? You need to make an escape plan.

Think housing, finances, baby items, important personal documents and financial account information. You may want to consider a domestic violence shelter. You could try to make a plan to leave with a clinical psychologist and a divorce attorney. Do you have any family or friends that can take you in while you hide from him?

Taliesine_ −  In my opinion that’s an attempted m**der.

Queasy-Sport-7234 −  NTA. I try not to be quick to judge on here but you definitely aren’t overreacting and this is a massive red flag.
Obviously a father should be involved in decisions for his child, he should get a say and it should be respected.

But when it comes to birth, the mothers choices should matter so much more. Requesting you consider a home birth and asking you to research it even is fine. Forcing you is so beyond okay. Childbirth is so hard on a woman’s body. And there are so many things that can go wrong.

Choosing a home birth isn’t wrong, but it should be the mothers choice. Putting you under unnecessary stress could have caused complications, all so your husband could be in control. Your husband showed no concern or consideration for your safety or the safety of your child.

Disregarded your feelings, your comfort, your autonomy. This is not the actions of someone who loves you. I’m sorry this happened and this must be so hard, you’ve just had a baby. Please really consider if you are safe with this man. If your child is truly safe.

If you really want to parent with him. If this is how he handles childbirth, how is going to handle parenting disagreements going forward. I hope you have support you can trust, who can help you.

PutridPriority3272 −  I don’t think this would be forgivable for me tbh, and my older children’s dad was a twat during and after birth (traumatic first, nearly died etc, second one lots of blood loss and no support). PND quite heavily with the first and although he’s 15, I still have blank spots and also quite intense involuntary PTSD.

If it makes you feel any better though, when I had my third it was with my husband, who could only have advocated more for me if he’d put himself through med school in those 9 months.

The experience pre and post partum was phenomenal and I am eternally grateful for that, because like you, I thought pregnancy, childbirth and little babies, was quite frankly the worst thing to ever happen to anyone, and I got to experience it just like everyone else.

You are NTA and when you are feeling able I would certainly look at reporting the doula and putting boundaries in place to make sure your hand can’t pull any shenanigans with your child, like skipping vaccinations etc.

Do you think the user was justified in blaming her husband for the traumatic birth experience, or is she being too harsh? How would you have handled the situation if you were in her shoes? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!