AITAH for telling my girlfriend I can’t trust her anymore when it comes to her wanting a baby?
A Reddit user shares a heart-wrenching story about trust and relationships after discovering that his girlfriend may have intentionally ended her pregnancy despite expressing a strong desire for a baby.
This revelation has left him questioning their future and struggling with confusion and concern for her well-being. Read the full story below to delve into this emotional and complex situation.
‘ AITAH for telling my girlfriend I can’t trust her anymore when it comes to her wanting a baby?’
I (28M) have been dating my girlfriend (26F) for 4 years. She has told me she always wanted children. We just didn’t actively try for one though. I never pressured her into having a baby, it was more so her idea. I make enough and we own a home so having a baby is something we can do.
So, to clarify, I’m not mad at her for this. I’m extremely concerned and I feel like everything she has said about her wanting a baby was a lie. A**rtion is also legal up to 21 weeks of pregnancy in our state. So she told me she was pregnant, she was having symptoms and took a test. She was happy about it and excited.
I was happy as well and offered to make an appointment for her. We both went together and she was 6 weeks pregnant. We have been planning, she even told her friends and family. She ended up having a miscarriage at around 9 weeks. It was sudden and she was upset and I comforted her about it.
It seemed very tough for her so I did my best to try and make her feel better. I had to retrieve something from a drawer in our bedroom and I found some herbs covered under a bag. It was pennyroyal and mugwort. I was confused because I have heard of pennyroyal being used to cause self abortions.
I asked her about it and she immediately became defensive and told me that she didn’t know where it came from. I kept trying to ask her about it and she ended up telling me she used it to have a miscarriage. She was crying and I was just in shock.
I ask her why? I told her she didn’t have to lie to me about it and I’m confused because she was the one who really wanted a baby? She didn’t give me an answer about it, I told her that we need to go to the hospital to make sure she isn’t hurt, since pennyroyal is toxic but she kept declining.
It’s been a few days and she seems fine. I’ve been trying to ask her about this but she just says she doesn’t want to talk about it. Apparently, she was telling her friends and family she had a miscarriage and has been accepting condolences. She’s avoiding this but I don’t want to push it towards her anymore.
I’m not too sure what to do about this because I’m worried she might be having some type of mental breakdown or something. I eventually told her that she should not tell me about having a baby again, and I can’t trust her about it anymore.
She was upset hearing that but what else could I say about something like this? This might make me a huge a**hole, but in the back of my mind has been thinking she might have did this for attention from her friends and family? Idk what to do and I feel like a horrible person for even thinking this stuff.
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
savinathewhite − NTA. Speaking as a professional herbalist, pennyroyal in particular can indeed cause damage to the liver or kidneys, depending on the quantity and potency of how much she consumed. Mugwort is less toxic, but has been known to cause miscarriage as it affects hormone levels significantly.
I highly suggest getting a checkup and mentioning ingesting those herbs and how much. That said, this is a relationship ending decision. While your partner has every right to decide to terminate an unwanted pregnancy, she lied to you, concealed her decision to use a DIY (and dangerous) abortifacient,
and then accepted condolences for her miscarriage *that she probably caused*. This indicates a level of mental health problem that is not safe for any future family plans, let alone the loss of trust for having deceived you to such a degree over such an important life changing event.
She needs therapy, and you need to leave this relationship, or choose to never have children. If she decided at a later time in the pregnancy to take herbs like this, there’s a serious risk to both her and a possible child. Just because something is “natural” doesn’t make it safe.
Hemlock is natural. Cyanide is natural. I can name twenty plants that could kill you or make you wish it had – that’s why you need to talk to a qualified herbalist before making up a “potion”. Seriously, you need to leave this relationship. It’s not safe, and she can’t be trusted.
Nightwish1976 − I can see two possible reasons why she would do this and act this way after: – she realised after getting pregnant that she isn’t ready to be a mother (most probable one); – the baby wasn’t yours (much lower on the probability scale). Updateme
74Magick − Ok, I’m a Wiccan, which most of my friends know. Since the whole a**rtion ban hit I’ve had people messaging ME about abortifacients. It’s very dangerous for someone who is not an herbalist (I am absolutely not, but people watch too much TV, so you know, bubble bubble…etc).
She needs to get a physical, both of those herbs can cause kidney and liver damage. Also, perhaps a therapist might not be a bad idea. FML.. NTA
Enough-Effective-664 − NTA – huge waving red flag. Run
Fluffy-Scheme7704 − This would be breakup territory me… NTA
YouSayWotNow − She needs therapy and she needs it right now. On one hand she’s insisting to you that she wants a baby, on the other, she deliberately took drugs to cause a miscarriage/ a**rtion when she did get pregnant. This is not rational behaviour, especially since the push to have a baby was coming from her, not you.
IMO it seems unlikely to have been for attention – if that’s what she wanted, she could more easily have faked being pregnant and then faked having a miscarriage (by saying it happened when she was on her own).
Creepy-Stable-6192 − NTA. But she is. I wouldn’t trust her anymore either. I would also be packing her bags for her to move out.
ComprehensivePut5569 − NTA – your gf is a red flag and it might be time to reassess this relationship as I don’t think it’s as healthy as you may think.
rpgbx − Oh, yikes. Pregnancy is a really overwhelming feeling and some people when they find out they’re pregnant go through some serious bouts of fear (huge life change, changes to the body, morning sickness, will I be a good parent, can I handle childbirth, etc.)
My guess is she’s afraid of some or all of the above – every pregnant person goes through some version of that, especially as a first time mom. I think she needs to go see a therapist to talk to someone about why she chose to do that, what fears she might be unpacking, and how to move forward. You’re not the AH, OP, this is a devastating situation.
AcanthisittaOne9491 − So I will say it. I wonder if there was a chance that baby was not yours and would have been obviously not yours at birth or shortly after. A miscarriage is not uncommon and would be overlocked but having an a**rtion when you know she wants kids would be sus.
Do you think the user’s reaction was fair, or could he have handled this delicate situation differently? How would you navigate trust issues and communication in a relationship facing such a revelation? Share your perspective below!
For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/eDEKa