Update: AITAH for only paying for one of my daughter’s weddings and downpayment?

Thank you all for the fantastic comments and personal messages from my last post: https://aita.pics/nIHzU

After reading the comments, I felt even more convinced that I was in the right, so I sat down with my wife to talk. Following many of your suggestions, I showed her the post and asked her to read it. She wasn’t happy, especially when she saw how many people had read it, but she was also really curious. This has been on her mind a lot lately, and she wanted to know what all of you were thinking.

‘ Update: AITAH for only paying for one of my daughter’s weddings and downpayment?’

She had a few issues with my comments. She believes that when I said I would rather burn the money, it indicates I need to change my approach to problem-solving. While it might be easy for people on the internet to suggest that parents cut off contact with their child, she is not ready to lose her little girl. Additionally, she thinks my statement about doing my duty and wanting to take care of myself comes across as selfish and is not something a parent should say.

She believes there is a reasonable compromise. Instead of giving her the full 50k, we can offer her half for the wedding. This way, we can cover most of the expenses from our savings, borrow the rest from Sarah if needed, and pay her back within a year. I told her right away that I was not going to do that.

I told her that we could separate our finances and that she could return to work full-time to help Jessica pay for the wedding. However, I made it clear that I was done. As selfish as it may seem, I don’t feel obligated to Jessica anymore, and I want to enjoy my life while I still can.

She replied, as she always does, that I am stubborn, and she would take that step if it meant keeping the family together. I told her it was fine but not to come to me complaining about her health when she went back to work full-time.

A couple of days ago, she came to me and said that she agreed with my proposal. We made a plan to open a joint bank account where we would deposit our monthly expenses. After that, we can each use our personal money however we like. We decided on an amount to keep in our savings account for emergencies and agreed to split the remaining funds 50/50. I even agreed to cover sixty percent of the money needed for our joint expenses.

This is the first time we will have more than one bank account, so I’m a bit nervous about how it will turn out. I also believe she mentioned talking to her boss about working more hours, but I want to avoid getting involved in that discussion.

I spoke with Sarah and expressed my concerns about giving Jessica any money, which I believe is a bad idea. However, Sarah insists that she wants to help. She mentioned that while she agrees with my viewpoint, she doesn’t want their mom to return to work full-time.

She clarified that her decision to help was aimed at supporting their mom, not Jessica. I told her that it was her money and she could do as she pleased, but like her mom, I wouldn’t involve myself in the situation any further.

Right before I wrote this post, I sent an email to Jessica expressing my feelings for her. I clarified where I stood and mentioned that she could decide how involved I would be in her wedding. I don’t expect a reply, but now I’ll have to wait and see what happens.

Edit: I realize now that I didn’t explain something clearly. My wife wants to pay 25k for the wedding, which she and Sarah have agreed to split. She believes this is a reasonable compromise, but I disagree with her.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

adobeacrobatreader −  Yeah, NTA. I read the last post, and I agree with you. If your wife wants to be the provider for her whole life, let her do that. But you are entitled to enjoy your life too. There is also a difference between solving problems and being a pushover. And your wife is clearly the second.

BlueGreen_1956 −  Still NTA. Jessica was never your main problem. Your wife was. Your wife has chosen to continue to enable Jessica’s entitled assholery. Her wedding won’t be the last time she comes to your wife for a handout. Count on it. Maybe you will get VERY lucky and not be invited to the wedding at all.

Yupkook −  NTA. Jessica got a 100k$ headstart that Sarah never had. Her argument that Sarah is well off now ignores how Sarah got there, through her own hard work without your support.

Sarah babysat, giving up her time to help you and your wife. Jessica never had to do it and she benefitted from her sister’s sacrifice. Jessica isn’t entitled to a financial handout. Gifts for weddings or houses are privileges not rights. Her tantrum over not getting 50K$ is clearly entitlement and pandering to her would reinforce that behaviour.

It’s understandable that your wife wants to make peace but taking out loans is terrible idea. Financial stress is not going to solve the emotional conflict but if she wants to then it’s a good idea to seperate finances.

Sarah’s generosity shows her maturity but she shouldn’t have to foot the bill to cater to Jessica. Jessica needs to understand that relationships are not transactional. It’s now up to Jessica to decide how to move forward. If she drops you from the wedding that’s on her not you. She needs to learn that relationships are based on mutual respect and not financial obligations.

xmowx −  NTA. Jessica is passive aggressively b**lying your wife (and through your wife she also bullies Sarah) into giving her money. This is disgusting. Edit to add: OP’s wife is a part of the problem because she enables Jessica’s disgusting behavior.

BlueberryEqual4649 −  I just had to read your original post as I hadn’t before and my thoughts are still the same: Jessica is way too entitled! And whichever way you spin it, she wins! If your wife goes back to work, she wins, if your wife goes back to work YOU are still paying indirectly by paying 60% of the joint expenses (if it was 50/50 before, you are ‘donating’ 10% to Jessica anyway).

If Sarah comes in to pay, Jessica wins because the money will go to her (directly or indirectly).

While I understand your wife is not willing to ‘cut off’ a daughter, she is enabling Jessica and, in my opinion, showing absolute clear favourtism – I mean, come on, she is willing to go back to work full-time (which seems difficult due to health reason) for Jessica! What happens if she needs to stop working due to her health issues? What will Jessica do then? Not invite your mother to the wedding?

Or not see her grandkids, or whatever else she can come up with. What if your wife’s health issues will become worse due to working full time? Will Jessica care enough to tell her mom to stop working full time for her? I doubt it.

Will your wife also be giving Sarah extra money? I mean, not the 50k you planned on giving her already, but every single cent she pays to Jessica, will she be giving the same to Sarah as well? It doesn’t matter how she spins it, Jessica will ALWAYS get more than Sarah.

And I am not talking about everything needing to be the exact same to the penny, but Sarah certainly got the short end of the stick growing up. It doesn’t even matter if she is a millionaire right now, it is about principle. Yes, she paid off her loans, BUT she also had to pay interests. So add that to the amount she had to take out in loans, and she is cut short heavily with getting ‘only’ 50k.

Maybe you need to make a financial comparison. Create a table that shows how much Sarah got (growing up, I mean), how much her loans were AND how much interest came with it. Then show how much Jessica got, how much her loans and interests were (aka zero).

Then add the 50k to Sarah’s calculations and show the difference between both amounts. If Jessica still does not care, then you have proof, if you will, where you stand with her. What you do next, you can base that on her response (should you ever get one).

You are obviously, still NTA, but I do want to add that you should NOT be paying more to any of the joints account than you did before all this. Any amount above what you usually give, will indirectly go to Jessica.

Horror-Friendship-30 −  Tell your wife that she better work a whole lot of hours, because if she funds Jessica, she will then owe Sarah the $100k to reimburse her for her education, plus another $50k for Ben. Signed, a s**pegoat kid, who’s golden child sibling got everything and was told that I should ‘understand.’

Material_Cellist4133 −  Your wife is an a**hole. We all know who her favorite is…and I feel bad for Sarah. She has already been neglected by her mother and here she is – ready to support that b**ch who never really put her first.

OceanBreeze_123 −  Your wife is unbelievable. She’s going to let Sarah pay so she doesn’t have to work as much. Instead of shutting…it…down.  Why isn’t wife telling Sarah “no, I want to contribute to Jessica’s wedding and have no problem working fulltime.”  Sarah’s feeling guilty *she’s* the reason her mom will work more.  NTA OP but your wife’s favoritism and treatment of Sarah is heartbreaking. 

Enigmaticsole −  You need to protect yourself from your wife’s pending debt. A post nup seems a sensible step. Immediately.

Middle_Delay_2080 −  Unfortunately, your wife and oldest daughter are big-time enablers! Jessica is a very selfish self-centered person. And she’s never gonna change. My mom did the same to my brother and they turn into disgusting adults so I’m just gonna let you know that much. Your wife and daughter think they’re helping, but they’re just helping create a monster that the world has to deal with now so thanks for that!