AITAH For not giving my husband my “escape money” when I saw that we were financially struggling?
In relationships, money matters can be one of the trickiest subjects to navigate—especially when it involves “escape money” that one partner set aside as a precaution. In this case, the OP, a 34‑year‑old woman, explains that she has been saving a dedicated “escape account” since her marriage began. Initially advised by her mother to have such a fund, OP maintained the habit even though her husband, a 37‑year‑old man with a mid six‐figure income,
never showed any signs of financial or emotional instability. However, about two years ago, after her husband suffered a near-fatal work injury that decimated their savings, the dynamics shifted. Now, with her husband working two full-time jobs (and even driving for Uber on his off days), OP has continued to save, albeit at a reduced rate, and now the account holds roughly $47,000.
‘AITAH For not giving my husband my “escape money” when I saw that we were financially struggling?’
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationship dynamics and financial communication, remarks, “Money often becomes a proxy for trust in relationships. While it’s important to be transparent, it’s equally crucial to have safeguards in place, especially if you’ve experienced financial trauma. In cases like these, an ‘escape account’ isn’t about secrecy—it’s a form of self-care and a backup plan.”(kidshealth.org)
Financial therapist Dr. Elena Morales adds, “From a practical standpoint, having a rainy-day fund is a responsible behavior, particularly in scenarios where unexpected events occur, like a major accident. If one partner has historically been the caretaker of finances,
it may be natural for them to continue that practice, even if it causes friction. Communication about these arrangements is vital; both parties should understand that such savings aren’t a sign of distrust but rather a standard precaution.” (kidshealth.org)
These perspectives suggest that OP’s actions are not inherently wrong—financial safeguards are a well-established strategy, especially in unpredictable situations. However, the dispute seems to stem from a communication breakdown about shared finances, highlighting the need for clear, ongoing discussions in long-term relationships.
Check out how the community responded:
Many redditors argue that having an escape fund is smart, especially given the financial crisis the couple faced. “If you’re trying to protect yourself after a near-fatal accident that wiped out your savings, it makes sense to have a backup. Your husband should have been more supportive of your proactive approach,” one user commented.
In conclusion, OP’s decision to maintain her “escape money” fund appears to be a prudent and self-protective measure, especially given the financial turmoil they experienced following her husband’s accident. Although her husband feels betrayed by the discovery, the practice itself isn’t inherently wrong—it’s a widely recommended strategy for safeguarding against unforeseen crises. The core issue here is not the existence of the fund, but rather the lack of communication about it over the years.
What do you think? Is it fair to keep such financial safeguards separate if they’re meant to protect you from financial hardship, or should transparency always be paramount in a relationship? Share your thoughts in the comments—what would you do if you were in a similar situation?