AITA? I refused to visit his family on Christmas?

A Redditor explains their frustration after their fiancé failed to organize holiday visits with his family despite their agreement from last year. The user took charge of Christmas planning, balancing visits to both families, but when a last-minute invite came from his side, they declined due to prior commitments. Now, tensions have risen as the fiancé accuses them of being unfair. Was their decision justified? Read the full story below to decide.

‘ AITA? I refused to visit his family on Christmas?’

I (27F) am yet another year responsible for all the planning and gifting during Christmas. My fiancé’s family thinks that we treat visits to my family as more important, which is not true. We visit them much more often, that’s true, but that’s because they invite us to events in big advance.

That’s something that my fiancé’s family never does. They just assume we will show up on our own. We’ve explained many times that we won’t, because we already don’t have much of free time, so if they want to see us, they just have to invite us and we can plan it then.

Anyway, my fiancé (26M) did not put any effort info planning visits or any gifts on Christmas since we met 3 years ago, so last year I made it extremely clear : next year I will make plans on my own for us, if you want to take part in it you can, but if you won’t, then I’ll assume you’re ok with anything I planned.. He was ok with it.

This year I did not get any invitation from his family nor him, not a single word about organizing anything. I knew I could ignore them completely based on our last year arrangement, but I knew it wouldn’t be fair. I called and invited us to their Christmas Eve, which they assumed we will show up for anyway. But the rest od the days – I planned all with my family and relatives.

Today (23.12) he informed me that we are invited to his family living 2 hours drive away on 25.12. I said no, we have plans. He got really mad and said that it’s not fair that my family gets 3 visits and his family only one. I reminded him about our talk last year, but he said I should confirm my plans with him anyway. I told him that he could have asked and I’m not going anywhere. He can go himself but It will NOT sit well with me and there will be consequences for our relationship.. AITA?.

Edit:. To clarify: 1. It’s not about families. It’s about my fiancé – he was supposed to make an effort to at least call his family or start any conversation, so i could have details and could plan visits evenly. He did not, and then got mad when I made plans based on what I know.

2. I am the AH for not starting the conversation. I was disappointed with how it went last year, that’s why I’ve taken his declaration he’ll be fine with what I decide if he does not show interest. I wanted to make a point : if you aren’t invested, consequences are on you.

3. We are spending the most important day, Christmas Eve with his family. It was all my decision. The rest of the days are planned with my family ; it’s only a couple of hours a day. It’s not like every second is planned. I just won’t go on 4h ride both ways to see his cousins now that plans are already made.

4. It’s not that my family sends formal invitations. They call and say “hey, wanted to know what are the plans….. we are meeting there and there, what do you think “. His family doesn’t contact us at all, it’s more like his sister calls if she can come with us and we are like “but where?”.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Due_Cup2867 −  Nta. My dad was this way. Not want to be involved in any planning of anything but would get annoyed that things weren’t planned that he wanted. Let him go to his parents. Don’t bother going Xmas eve. Maybe think about whether you’re happy in the relationship.

FrankieLovie −  babe why do you want to marry a man like this.

MorbidBurnOut −  NTA. Both he and his family have been given multiple chances to make efforts to see one another. Clearly, he’s not as close to his family as he’d like to be. They were informed and decided to ignore the warning.

Listen-to-Mom −  If you’re having these communication and family problems while engaged,it might be a good opportunity to end this relationship.

15021993 −  ESH. It seems like you made plans and didn’t inform him? You decided you’re spending the days at your fam without telling him? I’m confused – you both lack communication skills. His family is different to yours, yours plans and send invites while his assumed you’ll come because…yk…you’re family. It’s different family dynamics. So your boyfriend sucks the most, followed by you.

KuriousKttyn −  Honey, you’re only 27 and you’ve been doing this for 3 years…. Think about it, you seriously are going to marry this person? And potentially have kids? And you’ll be stuck with doing Christmas for the whole family on your own forever?. Yeah I did that and it sucks! Take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you want this for the next 50 or 60 years and hopefully you’ll come to the same conclusion as any sane person and d**p his ass.

Ok-Status-9627 −  Do you and your fiancé, you know, talk to each other? Okay, so you communicated to him that you would make plans on your own for the two of you, he could take part in the planning if he wishes, but if he doesn’t participate in the planning you will assume he’s okay with anything you’ve planned. But skip forward to this year, you planned everything but Christmas Eve with your family and your relatives. He’s now informed you of an invitation and you’ve told him that you have plans as a couple.

Hence my question. Did you talk to him when you were making plans. Did you tell him about the invitations received and accepted? Or did you just keep shtum and assume that it would be okay to spring your plans at him at the last second because neither he nor his family had mentioned anything they were organising?

You are telling him he should have asked, but do you mean he should have asked what which you would prefer to do, or do you mean he should have asked whether you had made arrangements?

In other words, did he make plans with his family knowing full well that you’d made plans for Christmas Day, or did he make those plans in ignorance of the arrangements you were making?. Eta:-. Based on OP’s response, ESH.
The fiancé was aware that OP was making plans, but didn’t know what those plans were as not only did he not ask, but OP made a point of not communicating the plans and accepted invitations to her fiancé.

The fiancé then made plans without checking with OP to go to his parents on Christmas Day (a 2hr drive away), despite presumably knowing that they would be there on Christmas Eve – after all, even if OP hadn’t communicated the Christmas Eve plans, surely his family would have mentioned it. So now they have a 4hr round trip to the same destination 2 days running. And he waits until today to spring it on her.

The fiancé does have a point. OP should have been letting him in on the plans which had been made for them as a couple. He’s not a mind reader. But that goes both ways, and unless he only made the arrangements with his parents minutes before he announced it to OP, he’s guilty of that too.

And heck, even if he did only make arrangements with his parents minutes before telling OP, and had communicated the Christmas Day plans to her as soon as made, he’s still a share of the blame for not considering, or completely ignoring, that he was likely messing with existing plans.

OP – If you want to make this scheduling work for both of you, communicate. Talk to your partner when an invitation is issued before accepting, or accept that otherwise you could end up with two conflicting events. When you make plans for you as a couple, note it in a household calendar, or put it as an event into your email calendar and share it with his – as much as anything, its a reminder. Alternate, either one year to the next or one day to the next to share your time between both families.

SuzeWine −  I feel like you set him up for a gotcha moment. And I’m sure it felt great, but it’s not really what a relationship is about. You could have told him in September that you were making Christmas plans, and if he had anything he wanted to do, to tell you now. But you didn’t did you.

There are hundreds of reasons that families don’t plan anything until the last minute (in a friend’s family it’s because they know someone in the family might not be in the right mental space to socialize)… and I feel like you’re trying to bend his whole family to your way of doing things.

Single_Cancel_4873 −  ESH You both need to work on your communication skills. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is a planner. Neither is my husband. I know this about him. However, I would never plan what we are doing over the holiday without discussing with him first. You should have mentioned the plans you were making at the time. He should have brought this up earlier.

You expected him to come to you about a conversation you had last year. You should have brought it up earlier this month. You will need to think if you can be with someone who isn’t a planner.

CJsopinion −  ESH You both need to try talking to each other ffs.