AITA for wanting my in-laws to prioritize my children’s 1st birthday over their tentative plans?
A new mom of twins is hurt that her in-laws are prioritizing babysitting their other grandchildren over attending her twins’ 1st birthday party. Despite accommodating their tentative plans by moving the party, the in-laws’ flight issues and plans to stay with them feel unfair, as it goes against her desire to avoid favoritism between families.
The mom is frustrated that her in-laws, who often babysit for her sister-in-law, are not reciprocating support for her children’s milestone. read the original story below…
‘ AITA for wanting my in-laws to prioritize my children’s 1st birthday over their tentative plans?’
I’m a new mom of twins. I took the first 6m off work to heal from a difficult birth and bond as they were born at 34w. My husband took time off to help; he is a very active and loving father & husband. I returned to work full-time, and twins attend daycare.
The twins’ 1st birthday is in 2m, and I’m planning a birthday party. My parents & in-laws live out of state (different states) and are retired in their 60s. I reached out to gauge interest & availability.
I would have considered moving the date out, but the following weekend is a major holiday, so I’m trying not to interfere with that – I also want to have the party on their actual birthday weekend. My husband & I initially discussed that we won’t have anyone stay with us to not show favoritism between families.
My parents plan to drive & stay nearby during the week & help with the kids where they can – no conflict with being here on their birthday weekend and come beforehand to help us get ready for the party. My in-laws are flying, but we had a lot of debate on schedule.
My MIL mentioned she had tentatively agreed to babysit for my SIL/BIL (let’s call them Kay & Ben) that weekend so that Ben can attend a get together w/ friends. This event is for Ben, but Kay also wants to attend – hence MIL babysitting their other 4 grandchildren.
MIL says that there is no one else that could babysit & that she would feel bad cancelling because she tentatively agreed & Ben had to pay his deposit for a rental. They asked if we could move the party to accommodate. We moved the party so all could attend.
However, their flight arrives the AM of the party & have booked on a budget carrier that often delays/cancels flights – leaving them at risk of missing the party, showing up late, or asking us to pick them up from the airport immediately before/during the party.
They are also now planning on staying with us, which goes back on not showing favoritism. MIL babysits a lot for Kay/Ben. Ex of family dynamic – Kay was expecting her third child 1m before our wedding; when she was pregnant, we discussed that we completely understood if she couldn’t come.
Her response was, “A wedding is just one day, a baby is forever.” It feels hypocritical now with no reciprocation with the twins turning 1, in which in-laws are prioritizing babysitting.
I’m trying to focus on the positive — but I can’t shake that I’m hurt / annoyed by accommodating for something optional & also husband caving to letting them stay w/ us. I want the kids having equal time with their aging grandparents & have them at their 1st birthday. I need a sanity check.
See what others had to share with OP:
StAlvis − ESH The twins’ 1st birthday is in 2m, and I’m planning a birthday party. Let’s be *crystal* clear here: an **infant** birthday party is for the parents, and the parents alone. This is *nothing* like a 5yo’s or 6yo’s birthday party, where the kid’s feelings matter most.
I want the kids having equal time with their aging grandparents & have them at their 1st birthday. The twins are far too young for this to be a problem anywhere but in your head.. retired in their 60s. FFS you phrased that “aging grandparents” bit like they were dying. They’ve got decades of time to watch the kids grow up.
Mother_Tradition_774 − YTA. A birthday party the week before or the week after isn’t any less special. Ben and Kay asked your in laws to babysit before you set the date for the party and a deposit was made based on the agreement.
You can’t expect people to back out of their commitments because of something you want to do. You also don’t get to be annoyed with their travel plans when you’re not paying for it.
Just so you know, when Kay said “a wedding is one day, a baby is forever”, she was referring to the importance of prioritizing her health. She didn’t want to risk going into labor early just to attend your wedding. No one’s health will be jeopardized by your children having their birthday party one week after their birthday.
Inthecards21 − ETH, You expect people to travel on a plane for a 1 yo birthday party??? seems a bit ridiculous to me. As you’re finding out, it’s not worth the effort and planning involved. there will be plenty of family moments. Focus on the kids and ignore the distractions.
Excellent-Count4009 − YTA Plan earlier, or accomodate the guest you want to be there – if you are unwilling to do that, you must accept that they won’t come due to other commitments.
[Reddit User] − A first birthday isn’t for the kids, it’s for the parents. Y’all should have just set a date that worked for you and whoever could come would. You don’t want to pick them up from the airport? Then don’t, taxis still exist and I’m sure they can get one.
You’re tying in a lot of drama about Kay and Ben here which isn’t really related to this specific event. I also don’t understand how they are staying with you when you made it clear no one was staying with you. Can neither of you say no or would they only come if they stayed with you?
Basically, next time, plan the party you want to have when you want to have it and don’t get so controlling about who comes or not. People will come if they can and not if they can’t. This year especially, your kids don’t care and they will never remember this.
zippy_zaboo − YTA. The kids are turning 1 and are literally incapable of remembering any of this. So it’s all about them pleasing YOU, and frankly you should relax a bit.
utahforever79 − Wanted to chime in about the favoritism part. It’s going to be impossible to keep your two kids’ relationships with four people (that’s 8 relationships!) fair and equitable all the time.
Instead of worrying so much about being fair, try to phrase it in your mind as building the best relationship possible for each child with each grandparent. That’s going to look different for each relationship. One grandma might love baking with your kids; one might ask them to sleepover once a month;
one grandpa might play tea party and one might never speak to the kids when they’re toddlers, then suddenly come to every sports event… you get the point. It’s the same with kids: you won’t give your kids exactly equal of everything; you’ll give each kid what they need to be the best version of themselves.
SnooRadishes8848 − YTA, as everyone else said, this is for you, not the kids. Your in-laws had plans, but are still trying their best to get there
Select-Anxiety-1557 − I want the kids having equal time with their aging grandparents. So when are you moving closer to them or are you going to start paying for all flights etc so they can have “equal time” with their grandchildren?. YTA
What do you think? Is she justified in her feelings, or is she being unreasonable? Share your thoughts below!