AITA for using my friends “logic” against her and making her cry

A Reddit user (36F) is reflecting on a recent confrontation with a friend who encouraged her to reconcile with her narcissistic mother on Mother’s Day, despite years of emotional and mental abuse. The user had previously explained her trauma and the lack of accountability from her family.

When her friend pushed the idea further, the user responded harshly by using her friend’s own logic to make a point, comparing her friend’s own experience with an abusive ex-husband.

The friend ended up crying, and mutual friends believe the user went too far, despite agreeing that the friend shouldn’t have pressured her to reconcile. Read the full story below to see how the situation unfolded.

‘ AITA for using my friends “logic” against her and making her cry’

I (36f) went no contact with my narcissistic family last year as I was done being their s**pegoat. My friend was encouraging me to “call my mother and reconcile for mother’s day” and I explained (again) the emotional and mental abuse I went through and her refusal to take accountability or seek therapy.

She then lectured me on how “it’s hard being a parent” (she’s a parent I’m not) that “as the eldest you should’ve helped your mother around the house more and with your younger siblings.” And that “I should let bygones be bygones and call my mother for mother’s day”

I told her “so you think if I had done more chores and accepted more parentification as a kid then I wouldn’t have been abused? If it’s too hard to be decent to your kids then you shouldn’t be a parent.

maybe u should’ve helped your abusive ex husband around the house more, maybe u shouldn’t have had dinner 10 minutes late, bc you know his job is stressful and it’s hard being a provider and father.

Next.month is father’s day you should call and reconcile with him. How could I as a child stop the abusive behavior of an adult when as an adult you couldn’t stop your husband from abusing you.”

She cried and walked off. Our mutual friends agree she was wrong to pressure me to reconcile with my mother but she “meant well and didn’t understand, and you took it too far” I did it to make a point on how abuse isn’t okay from anyone even your parents.. AITA?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

[Reddit User] −  NTA. I hate people like that. I have a strained relationship w my mother as well and it f**king grinds my gears when someone tells me I HAVE to make up with her because she’s my mom. Friend needs to get out of her bubble and realize some parents just aren’t good parents.

Edit: ty all for the awards n upvotes! However, it is heartbreaking to know so many of us have estranged relationships with family members. Hope everything works out in the end for u all! Y’all should never feel ashamed for cutting toxicity out of your life.

gurlwithdragontat2 −  No, she didn’t mean well. **She assumed being a parent made her a specialist and thought she knew better than you about your own experience.** You were not cruel, you help a mirror of how invalidating she was being in a way she understands. Now she gets it. And she doesn’t here, because of her experiences. NTA – she didn’t get it before. No matter how kindly you put it. I’m betting now she has a full picture of what that ask really means to you.

theassholethrowawa −  NTA: Once your friend emotions started to fill with sadness, she should have realized that’s the exact feeling she’s giving to you each time she made those comments. That’s where she should have apologized

YouthNAsia63 −  Yea… she “didn’t understand”, so you tried to make her understand, by putting it in terms that meant something personal to her. And she didn’t *like* it. Well, boo hoo, maybe next time she can try to have a little empathy before opening her mouth-or just trying being quiet in the first place. NTA

[Reddit User] −  NTA – People really need to stop lecturing kids about reconsiling with abusive parents. It seems like it’s socially acceptable to tell people who were abused that it is their responsibility to mend that relationship. Which is, of course, BS.

mindful-bed-slug −  NTA. Brilliant! Sometimes that’s what it takes. She is crying because having this growth experience is uncomfortable. You did nothing wrong. You gave her the chance to back off from her foolishness, but she pushed you. And now she understands how it feels. If you lose her friendship, then it’s because she is unwilling to understand what she was doing to you by guilting you about Mother’s Day.

MothmanNFT −  NTA. A lot of people who make arguments like that (including the friend encouraging you to apologise to her) tend to be scared that in the future they’ll be treated similarly.

She’s a Mom, she’s afraid of her kids doing this to her. The friend is a friend, they’re afraid of doing something to earn similar treatment. Unfortunately they choose to try and make you lessen your reaction instead of just making sure they don’t earn the treatment.

MoondoggieSB −  NTA. You didn’t take it too far. Your friend was way out of line.

OwlPal9182 −  NTA. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. You both suffered from abuse, which is something neither of you deserved, but she dismissed your abuse and made excuses for your abuser and she was serious. You were not serious when telling her to forgive her ex, merely making a point and she couldn’t handle it. Hopefully you finally got the point across and there won’t be another again of you explaining this to her.

DoIwantToKnow6417 −  You only said the exact same “logic” to her as she did to you. How can you be anything else than NTA?

Do you think the user took things too far, or was she justified in using her friend’s logic to make a point about abuse and accountability? How would you have handled this situation? Share your thoughts in the comments below.