AITA for turning off the vacation house security cameras so my elderly father can’t watch us?
A Reddit user shared a dilemma about turning off the security cameras at their family’s vacation home to avoid being monitored by their elderly father. Although the cameras were initially intended to connect him with the property remotely, the poster discovered that he occasionally uses them to watch family members during their visits.
Despite explaining how uncomfortable this made them, the father guilted them, saying it was his way of staying connected to the place he loves. Finally, during their last visit, the user decided to turn off the cameras, prioritizing privacy over their father’s objections. Read the original story below…
‘ AITA for turning off the vacation house security cameras so my elderly father can’t watch us?’
Our family has a remote vacation home. Visitors have always gone there to slow down and escape “real life”. Though he still drives, my aging father (86) can’t get to the house very often anymore.
As a way to still connect with the house, he often enjoys watching the two exterior security cameras on his laptop where he can see deer, listen to birds, and occasionally see the local caretaker swing in to the check on the place.
**The issue:** These days when we visit the house without him, he insists we keep the cameras on. He claims he never watches us “because he doesn’t have the time or interest”. But when I say, “then why do you care if I turn off the video when I’m there?”, he fumbles, admitting that he “very occasionally” likes to check in to see “how we are spending our time”.
It’s clear he watches us closely – he slipped once and told me that he didn’t like me doing something he could have only seen on the camera. And it doesn’t help that the cameras send him alerts when they detect movement.
Any stern discussion about us feeling uncomfortable, how it violates our privacy, or how *he* never had to contend with his father spying on him always ends with him laying it on thick with some form of “how could you deprive me this one simple joy? When old age and other considerations keep me away from the house I built and love so much
Can’t you just turn the cameras off when I am dead and gone?” I get it. He can see his grandkids running around. He can see us doing yard work and playing with the dog. And he is the patriarch and we don’t want to disappoint him. But both my sister and I feel like we have to act differently than we would otherwise.
Knowing that we are basically in our own personal episode of *The Truman Show* diminishes the unique nature of our remote familial sanctuary and impedes our ability to relax when we’re on vacation. The last time I was there, despite my father’s displeasure, I decided to put my foot down and cut the video feed. AITA?.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Astroblemes − Info: who owns the house? NAH – you’re e**itled to some privacy at your family vacation home. At the same time he owns the house and has shared it with you for taxes benefits when he passes – which he didn’t have to do. Maybe cut the cameras on for small amounts of time if he wants to see the grandkids or the birds (but only what you’re comfortable with).
SushiGuacDNA − NAH. Having somebody watch you through cameras is a crazy violation of privacy. You aren’t the a**hole for turning them off. Even if the cabin is his, letting people stay there with the condition that he watched through cameras is creepy and weird. So you still weren’t an a**hole for turning off the cameras.
If he wants to tell you you can’t use the cabin, that’s fine, but he can’t creepily watch. And yet. Poor old dad. He can no longer make it to the cabin, and he craves that contact with his family. What harm could it do, he is probably thinking, to just watch through the camera see things. He’s wrong, and his brain is likely fading.
But I’m not going to call him an a**hole for that. If you want to do something nice for him, maybe you could let him know that at 3:00 it’s pool time or game time and he can watch for an hour then, or something like that.. It’s so hard when parents age.
Rye_One_ − NTA for wanting privacy. Simple solution – point the cameras to where he can still see nature but can’t see you. Point them back before you leave.
stophittingthyself − NAH . I was sure I was going to think n t a from the title but outside cameras are really not a big deal. I wouldn’t like to be filmed either so I get your discomfort and not going to call you an a**hole.
However loosing freedom/mobility because of health is desperately depressing. So is dying. Are you really *really* sure you can’t ignore your discomfort for him on this occasion? So he can see his grandkids and indulge in nostalgia? It’s not like the Trueman show, you still have privacy on most parts of the property, come on.
GeorgiaFlourishes − NTA. Your dad is being unreasonable. It’s ur family’s vacation time, and you deserve privacy. He wouldn’t want his father spying on him, so he needs to extend the same courtesy to u.
Wiregeek − NTA, those cameras would get a nice coffee can hat the moment I got in.
NoDaisy − Why not bring dad with you on one of these trips? I’d imagine he would be very happy to be with his family at the cabin again if he had assistance. If the cameras are just outside, you need to not be so tough on dad. NAH
Zestyclose_Gur_8889 − NTA. Nobody wants to be spied on.
Ecstatic_Vibrations − INFO: who actually owns the cabin? In the end, if it’s his, he can set a rule that the cameras stay on. It’s not comfortable or convenient for you, but your action as a result is to not travel to the cabin. If its yours (even in part), then you set the rules and can turn the cameras on or off at will.
DenL4242 − NAH, you’re just framing the situation negatively. Instead of thinking about it like he’s some sort of spy or voyeur, imagine that the cameras are a way for him to go on a trip with you, even if he can’t physically. Play with the camera, wave at it, have the grandkids make signs for him to show to the camera. Have fun with it instead of being paranoid.
Was it reasonable for the user to prioritize their privacy during vacation, or should they have accommodated their father’s request given his age and attachment to the home? How would you manage boundaries with loved ones while respecting their emotional needs? Share your thoughts below!