AITA for telling my son’s stepdad that he’s not/never will be a father to him and starting a screaming fight?

A father with shared custody stood up for his son, Marcus (12), during an argument with the boy’s stepfather, Erik, over restrictive dieting and hidden snacks. Erik criticized Marcus harshly, calling him names and blaming his weight on greed.

The father intervened, leading to a shouting match in which he declared Erik “not and never will be” Marcus’ father. While the boy’s mother, Lena, supported Erik’s intentions for Marcus’ weight loss, she felt the father undermined their authority and only handles the “fun parts” of parenting.

Now the father wonders if his actions were justified or if he escalated the conflict unnecessarily. read the original story below.

‘ AITA for telling my son’s stepdad that he’s not/never will be a father to him and starting a screaming fight?’

I (31M) have split custody of my son, Marcus (12M) with my ex, Lena (30F). Lena and I split up shortly after he was born, and stayed friends, but have been less communicative since she married Erik (42M) four years ago.

We have had disagreements–I don’t approve of certain things they’ve been doing and they think I spoil him–but until recently we managed to keep things civil. Marcus is a great kid and I love him. He’s smart, funny, and caring, and he’s taught me so much about being a human.

Having him saved my life and changed it for the better. He’s also more or less my only family, so I really treasure him and our time together. Recently he’s gotten chubby and depressed, which I only mention because it’s relevant.

I was concerned over my son gaining weight but I didn’t want to do much other than making sure we eat healthy. He’s still active in sports, which I encourage, and a lot will change with puberty. His mom and stepdad are upset though,

and I now know that they had Marcus on a restricted diet and are putting a lot of pressure on him to lose weight. At first it didn’t seem like much but it became more unreasonable e.g. before this incident, I got in trouble with Erik for buying Marcus a size up in clothes,

since he thought that he should trim down to fit his old ones better. I told him that I wasn’t going to apologise for giving my son pants, he never responded.
Last week, when I came to pick him up, Marcus was still packing his bag.

Lena invited me inside for coffee and we were making small talk when I heard shouting. Apparently Marcus had been hiding snacks in his room. Erik found candy bars in his overnight bag (which they no longer allow in the house), and pulled them out to show to us as evidence.

I got upset when he called Marcus names and told him he “wouldn’t be fat if he weren’t so greedy”, and told him to treat my son with respect. Marcus went to the car, and things devolved. I said the thing in the title, called him a b**ly, and a lot of expletives got thrown around.

I didn’t hear from Lena until later when she texted to tell me that she was furious with me. I was still reeling from everything so the conversation is a blur. I tried to tell her I was sorry, but that I couldn’t understand why she would allow him to treat Marcus that way.

She told me that while was “a bit much”, Marcus broke their rules and Erik was right that he should lose weight. She also told me that I don’t know anything about the “disrespect” Marcus gives them, that I only experience the “fun parts of being a parent”,

and accused me of encouraging bad behaviour that she has to deal with. I had a talk with Marcus and told him I love him and he has nothing to be ashamed of. He seems better, but I’m not looking forward to taking him back to his mom’s home.

I know I made things worse and I should have removed myself from the situation, but I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t at least stand up for my son. AITA?

 

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Walktothebrook −  NTA. Your comment about being in trouble with Erik concerned me deeply. You are Marcus’ father, not Erik. It is Erik who should be in trouble with you for daring to criticize buying larger clothes for Marcus. I doubt screaming will do any good, Erik sounds like a b**ly. Suggest you speak with an attorney and put Erik in his place.

Flaky-Special-6739 −  NTA. He’s a growing kid. His body will even out. My boys went through the prepubescent period where they got chubby for a bit then bang they are over 6 foot, slim and towering over me. My boys ate a ton of food all the time but lesser of the treats.

As long as he is fed lots of the good stuff he will be less inclined to be hungry and scramble for what he can find to curb the hunger. Erik is doing it so wrong. You don’t belittle a person. Plus I’m guessing they are restricting all foods and not just the treats.

Helpful-Science-3937 −  A lot of kids, especially boys will chunk up before they shoot up. Unless a doctor has a concern, it shouldn’t be an issue. They should be seeking medical advice before putting a child on a diet.

Making a kid feel like they have to hide snacks is a set up for an unhealthy relationship with food down the road. You should stand up for your son. Yelling and especially name calling is totally inappropriate. NTA You are right to be concerned with the situation. Sounds like some mediation is in order. Good luck

depressivesfinnar −  Hi all, This is a lot of responses very fast and I thank you for the support, suggestions, and the brutal honesty. I do think I was wrong to escalate the situation and not remove myself sooner. There’s a lot of things I need to do as a father, and I value all of your feedback.

I do want to respond to something; I’ve had a few people in the comments tell me that Erik IS my son’s other dad by virtue of being in that house and married to my ex, but I guess my problem is that I don’t think he should be.

I would be more than happy to welcome another parental figure in my kid’s life, I don’t think I have a monopoly on being Dad or anything, but as it stands, my child hates and fears him and I do not think anyone who does that to my child deserves to call themselves his parent.

I felt the same way about my bio parents, and I refuse to acknowledge them as my family, so I guess that’s where that comment about him not being my son’s dad came from. That being said, I know I’m in the wrong for shouting at him out of anger instead of trying to be the adult and this does nothing to help my son.

I also don’t want anyone blaming ANY of this on my son or suggesting that he’s being a d**k to his mom and stepdad; he’s twelve and children act out of distress when adults treat them poorly or fail them, myself included.

He’s the only person in this situation who’s not at fault. I will keep trying to talk to my ex, get counselling for my son, and seek out legal advice.

Primary-Criticism929 −  what’s the custody like ?. EDIT : I’m going with ESH. Sounds to me like stepdad is being too harsh and like you’re being too casual about the issue.

Between your comments and your ex’s, I get the feeling that your kid is being an a**hole at his mother’s because there are rules there while you’re the dad who acts more like a friend.

You want to help your kid ? Get him to a therapist. If he is depressed, he needs help and you need to find out if there are reasons for the weight gain and the depression. Hoping for the best is just s**tty parenting.

Complex-Cut-5563 −  NTA. There is no need to be cruel about weight, and you were right to communicate that. Screaming isn’t the best way, but he can’t be allowed to b**ly your kid.

I would recommend getting a doctor to see Marcus. Something like an underactive thyroid could account for both depression and weight gain. If he’s physically okay, then he needs therapy. His stepdad b**lying him will only compound the issue.

KingBretwald −  ESH Has your ex taken your son to the doctor? Is she following medical advice on weight loss? Did you ask her about any of that? I recommend that you and your ex–and not her husband–sit down in a neutral place when neither of you are angry and discuss what’s *best for your son*.

Everyone needs to drop the ego and concentrate on what’s best for Marcus. Does he need to modify his diet? Be more active? Is there something going on medically? Figure it out. If he does need to lose weight, then work with a dietician who works with pre-pubescent kids.

Restricting food to the point that he’s hiding it is not healthy. I got upset when he called Marcus names and told him he “wouldn’t be fat if he weren’t so greedy”,  This is completely unacceptable and your ex should not be allowing it. Also, if your custody agreement is 50/50 then you need to work on making sure Marcus is with you 50% of the time.

Poetic_Intuition −  NTA I tried to tell her I was sorry, but that I couldn’t understand why she would allow him to treat Marcus that way.. I’m sorry, you did what now?  Why did you apologize? A non- custodial guardian is insulting your child on a very personal level,

and you’re apologizing for putting him in his place? No. Just… no.  She told me that while was “a bit much”, Marcus broke their rules and Erik was right that he should lose weight. She’s right, Marcus broke the rules. However that’s not important.

The important part is that she knows what he is doing “is a little much” but it’s still allowing her new husband to verbally mistreat your son. If that is the language they, or more specifically Erik, it’s comfortable with when you’re around, ask yourself what they’re subjecting him to when you’re not. 

Embarrassed-Safe4709 −  No man, you weren’t the a**hole you sound from your words like a caring parent who wants the best for your child. There’s a lot of ways to encourage a child to lose weight like you said he’s in sports. A good solution would be to talk to your child about nutrition.

Bring some research. Don’t be judgmental and have a conversation with him about it as for the child’s mom and boyfriend, you guys need to sit down and have a serious talk and if no resolution can be made then definitely need to bring the courts in to play because what the stepdad did that was not acceptable on any level.

Chance_Culture_441 −  INFO- what is the legal custody agreement? Also, have you thought about getting your son into therapy? Having raised two boys, I can tell you with both them, they got a little wider every time they were about to hit a growth spurt.

And around 12-13 they both were on the chubby side, but then slimmed out when they grew taller with puberty. It sounds like his mom and stepdad are doing things and saying things that could be emotionally and mentally detrimental and borderline a**sive, especially the step dad.

If that was my kid, he would be in therapy and I would be going to court to have the custody order changed to limit that abuse.. NTA ETA- you seem like a great dad! Way to have your kid’s back!!

Was it wrong for the father to confront Erik so directly, or did he do the right thing by defending his son against harsh treatment? Should the co-parents work together to address Marcus’ wellbeing more constructively? Share your thoughts below!