AITA for telling my roommate I will be charging him for future help on his computer due to his learned incompetence?

A tech-savvy woman (27F) is frustrated with her roommate (31M), who frequently relies on her to fix his computer issues without making an effort to learn or solve problems independently. Despite her suggestions to use tutorials or trial-and-error, he consistently deflects responsibility,

citing a lack of experience with technology growing up. Tired of his “learned incompetence,” she proposed charging him $10 each time he asks for help, hoping it will motivate him to be more self-reliant. While she feels justified, she’s questioning if her approach was too harsh. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for telling my roommate I will be charging him for future help on his computer due to his learned incompetence?’

For context my roommate is 31 M, and we are generally good friends. We went to college together and love to watch TV shows together and play card games together in our spare time. Im 27 F and I am pretty good with technology, nothing crazy but comfortable enough to do some pretty neat stuff with it.

My boyfriend 33 M is also pretty sharp with computers, arguably more than me in many cases, and has a job in IT. We love to play video games together due to this and recently when he came over with his laptop we logged into one my favorite nostalgic MMORPG.

My roommate wants to be included in our video game fun but is also terrible with technology to an inexcusable level. And to make matters worse, despite knowing how to google things or use trial and error, every time he runs into something challenging with technology,

he’ll just say he doesn’t know what to do and sit there waiting for someone to fix it for him. It drives me nuts. In the past I’ve felt like his nanny constantly running into his room to help do the most basic stuff as if he’s a baby or something.

I’ve tried telling him to just follow a tutorial, or google it but even then he’ll whine that he doesn’t get it. I’ve gotten fed up because no matter how many times I show him how to do something, the minute he comes across it again he again just sits there and wait for someone else to fix it.

Somehow that person always ends up being me and I’ve started to get harsher in telling him he can either google it or log off because I’m not helping, I am so tired of this. He doesn’t even try to figure things out on his own.

Whenever I’ve talked to him about how frustrating this is, he tells me he never had a computer growing up and simply never got good at using them. But I think that’s ridiculous as I didn’t have a lot of things growing up that I know how to use now.

I finally told him recently he has 3 options when me and my bf are playing video games. 1. Don’t join. 2. Join and google stuff and stop being a chore for others to deal with because he’s too lazy to figure it out on his own.

3. Pay $10 per occupancy of incompetence and asking for help until he gets tired of wasting money and figured it out himself. Maybe I’m TA for this but it seems that as long as he thinks he can just rely on others to do things for him, he’ll never just learn to do it himself and I think this is a good way to make this behavior worth my time. AITA?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Expensive_Island_518 −  I think you’re in the right here. It’s frustrating to constantly help someone who doesn’t make an effort to learn or solve problems on their own. You’ve tried being patient and explaining, but at some point, it’s okay to set boundaries.

Charging him a small fee might be a wake-up call that he needs to put in some effort instead of relying on others. It’s about encouraging him to be more independent, and if he values your help, he might start trying harder.

Entarotupac −  There are so many cliches for this situation (e.g., give a man a fish…/teach a man to fish…). You are providing an incentive to learn and a tax for refusal. This is the way. **Source:** I have been an educator for nearly two decades.. NTA

pixyfire −  Where do you live? Because in the United States computers have been in the schools for over 30 years. So he might not have had a computer at home but he certainly was taught to use one at school. If you are not from the US, then I apologize if this was not your Norm

Superb-Chicken-8813 −  NTA. He’s a whole-ass adult. He can either figure it out for himself or not play game with you all. He probably doesn’t have any issues using technology for work unless he also whines at work until some poor co-worker of his has to bail him out. If he can wipe his own ass, he can figure out what to do without your help.

HostIndependent3703 −  This sound exactly like a form of weaponized incompetence. As long as you keep helping him he will never learn and will let you do it for him. He must learn to figure things out byself. NTA

Ok-Try-857 −  NTA. If he wants to play, he should take the time to learn just like you did.  Here’s a real example for you. When my daughter was 12, I taught her how to do her own laundry. I showed her how to use the washer and dryer. I found and shared the perfect tutorial on YouTube.

When she didn’t feel like doing her laundry, she would say she didn’t know how and I would remind her to watch the 3 minute video. She has been doing her own laundry for 11 years now. This grown ass man can learn about this hobby or get a new one. 

WhatTheActualFck1 −  NTA You’re right- you’re not his parent or nanny or teacher to help him out. You’ve tried to help him learn bad he refuses out of laziness.

elsie78 −  NTA. I would guess mom did everything for him and now you’re her replacement. Don’t even offer to help with compensation. No. More. Helping. “I’ve told you this before, you’re an adult, you’ll need to figure it out” or “do what you’d do if I wasn’t here/ didn’t live 26th you”. Just stop.

kimba-the-tabby-lion −  NTA My parents, who would be 90, now were pretty decent with technology. I got my first computer at 21 (Commodore 65, do the maths!) and the only time I used a computer at school, I used mark-sense cards and my teachers had no clue,

so we just copied the a print out of a program we didn’t understand onto the cards. I am well on my way to setting up my smart home.

JeffreyDamer −  To play a little bit of devils advocate here; Info: What kind of problems is he having? Has he tried googling in the past and not understood what he was reading? When you explain, are you explaining at his level? I ask because admittedly, I’m bad with computers,

but I do basically just brute force my way through the problem, so I rarely need outside help. Mostly, when I search things up, I don’t know what to look up, or I don’t understand what they’re saying. NTA, though, unless I hear anything new.

Is charging her roommate an effective solution, or does it risk damaging their friendship? Should he be more proactive in addressing his shortcomings, or is she being too unsympathetic? What’s the best way to handle learned incompetence in close relationships? Share your thoughts below!