AITA For telling my pregnant daughter that my husband and I will have nothing to do with raising her baby in front of the entire family?

A Redditor shares a family conflict that erupted during a celebration dinner for their granddaughter, Opal. After their daughter Kelly announced she was pregnant, the Redditor and her husband made it clear they would not take on the responsibility of raising another child, as they had done with Opal.

They expressed their concerns about their age and Kelly’s lack of involvement in Opal’s upbringing. The family split into factions, with some supporting Kelly, while others agreed the parents were too blunt in front of everyone. Invite people to read the original story below.

‘ AITA For telling my pregnant daughter that my husband and I will have nothing to do with raising her baby in front of the entire family?’

Hello, I am a fifty-six-year-old mother to thirty-three-year-old Kelly and grandmother to sixteen-year-old Opal. Kelly became pregnant with Opal at sixteen. My husband, Eddy, and I have always believed in having the right to choose. However, Kelly insisted that she wanted to keep the baby and not give it up for adoption.

We helped a lot as Kelly was only seventeen when Opal was born. However, Kelly would rarely help with parenting even when she was available. Even asking her to watch Opal for an hour while we ran errands was an issue. It was rare that Kelly wouldn’t complain about why she “had to be there” to look after Opal.

Kelly chose not to attend college after graduation. She had a job with a flexible schedule, yet she rarely made herself available for Opal. Kelly was only home to sleep or get dressed for some party. She also relied on us to purchase supplies and book appointments for Opal.

Eddy and I would have serious talks with Kelly that she needed to step up as a parent. Kelly would only make empty promises and never follow through on them. Kelly moved out when Opal was six. Kelly comes around maybe once a fortnight and for holidays, but Eddy and I have been the ones to raise Opal.

Opal is doing extremely well. She has good friends, plays Tennis, participates in volunteer projects, and plans to be a marine biologist after graduation. The school year ended for Opal last week, so we had a nice dinner to celebrate her good grades. Kelly came, along with several other family members.

We were all chatting and enjoying dinner together when Kelly stood up to make an announcement. She announced to us that she was pregnant with her boyfriend’s child. We already were upset because this was supposed to be Opal’s special moment and Kelly announcing her pregnancy was completely inappropriate.

Eddy and I said nothing, and Kelly started to say how she and her boyfriend were “so busy!” with life right now. Eddy and I interrupted Kelly and told her we would have nothing to do with raising this new baby and would not be providing anything for it (supplies, childcare, etc.) Kelly flipped out and an argument ensued.

Kelly called us heartless and claimed we were willing to throw our grandchild away. Eddy and I called her selfish for expecting us to raise another child. We are too old to raise a baby. Kelly is thirty-three and needs to grow up. Give the baby up for adoption or be a parent and raise it yourself.

Kelly left in tears. Now the family has broken into “sides.” The ones agreeing with Kelly say that we adopted Opal and are sending a message that we don’t care about our newest grandchild. Others are saying we should have taken her aside privately instead of shooting her down in front of everyone and our reaction was cruel.

Eddy and I feel we had to be blunt with Kelly and not sugarcoat reality. Opal likes to show us stories from here sometimes, so I thought it would be a good place to ask for a neutral perspective. AITA?

Edit: Opal is always able to express her feelings with me or Eddy. Opal also has a therapist who is available to speak whenever she needs it. Opal visited the therapist weekly during middle school but now hasn’t needed to see him more than once a month. We will be taking Opal on a mall trip to make up for what happened at the celebration dinner.

We spoke privately to Opal after this incident and she knows we in no way view her as a burden. Our granddaughter is a blessing and many of our happiest moments involved supporting Opal and watching her grow up. But Opal is sixteen: She doesn’t need the kind of constant attention and care that a newborn baby does. We are now too old to be able to adequately raise a newborn baby even if we wanted to.

The biggest problem is that Kelly is now an adult and needs to start acting like one. Kelly is supposed to outlive us. The reality is that Eddy and I aren’t going to be alive for her or her children’s entire lives. It is why Kelly needs to accept that she cannot expect us to take on her responsibilities and must be independent.

Edit #2: Several people have informed me that the part where Kelly expected us to raise the new baby was unclear, so I apologize for that. I thought it was self-explanatory, but realize none of you actually experienced what happened.

Kelly talked about how busy she and her boyfriend were with their lives, then began to talk about how “grateful” she was that we “would always look after our grandchildren” and how since we had “gained so much joy from raising Opal, we would be even happier raising this second baby!”

After Eddy and I called her out, Kelly confirmed that she had expected us to adopt and raise this second baby as well. Kelly said how she and her boyfriend did not have time to raise a baby but that putting up the baby for adoption would be “throwing it away.” She assumed we, at almost sixty years old, would have no troubles or opposition to raising a newborn baby.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

MadamMarshmallows −  Your daughter has already completely disregarded Opal. Making her “good news I have a real baby now!” announcement at an end of school year party for Opal is some more grade A trash behavior. It’s not a graduation party, is it? Because that would make it even worse behavior on Kelly’s part.

You may not have let them know in the most civil way possible, but I’m gonna say NTA because of how thoroughly Kelly has made it clear her daughter doesn’t matter. You may have eventually raised her enough to call it “adoption,” but that was never the original intent, so Kelly can s**k it.

Edited to add: **I completely missed that this was them asking you to raise the next one.** Holy f**king s**t. Utter garbage, these people. I’m glad you said something right there. Firmly, loudly, rudely. They needed to hear it.

Really, I would’ve supported being far more rude than you were. I’m glad Opal is in therapy and I’m glad she knows you don’t see her as a burden. Kelly is the burden. What a waste of oxygen.

XcassielX −  100% NTA how are they 33 and didn’t even take care of their first child and expect you to do the same? it’s time for her to grow and accept the reality she is making for herself.

PuzzleheadedTap4484 −  I was totally prepared to say yes but after reading this and seeing how Kelly started it with the announcement, she opened it up to the responses.

And since she bailed on her first child and during the pregnancy announcement basically laid the groundwork for pushing the next kid off on you, and then doubled down confirming that was what she was going to do, she deserved to be told that you wouldn’t raise the next kid.

Privately telling her wouldn’t have made an impact and hit the message home because you’ve been there done that. She needed this as a direct message with witnesses. Definitely NTA.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Wow! I can’t even! Isn’t it obvious to everyone that Kelly was expecting for history to repeat itself, that she expected you to yet again raise this baby? Otherwise, why would she have gotten upset?

Granted, you said this in front of everyone so you kind of made it their business. However, ultimately, this is between you, your husband and Kelly. You are the ones impacted by Kelly’s self-centeredness. Stand your ground. Tell them that you have said what you will NOT do and it is not open for discussion. Kelly then has to make her own decisions. This is NOT on you!

thirdtryisthecharm −  NTA. You adopted Opal because at the time your daughter was a teenager without the life skills or independence to raise a child on her own. Kelly is now fully an adult and should not need or expect the same level of support that she got at 17.

1-800-deadgirl −  NTA. Her timing was super inappropriate, and I think your reply was warranted, despite the also awkward timing. I really feel bad for Opal. Please make sure she gets the attention she needs, as she may feel worse when the baby actually arrives in the off-chance that Kelly starts to act like a real mom to the new baby.

[Reddit User] −  NTA AT ALL. Your daughter is an entitled a**hole and I feel so sorry for Opal and her new baby. I’m glad Opal had you but please don’t enable Kelly’s behavior any longer. She needs to realize she’s an adult. She can’t have her cake and eat it too. Either be a parent or stop having kids

catarekt −  NTA. Kelly is… wow. You know the stories where the mother purposefully wears a white dress to the wedding? This is that. There is a weird undercurrent of jealousy here. You don’t mention what Kelly was like when she was 16/how your relationship was then (before the pregnancy) but I think consciously or not she sees Opal as a usurper.

Otherwise WHY would she pick then and there? Did you act with all possible grace in the moment? No, but Kelly was wildly out of line. She’s barely in her existing daughter’s life and STILL tries to one up her. And this strange power play was to hurt both Opal and you two at the same time, “in front of everyone”. Poor Opal. Just be extra supportive for her. It’s a tender time in the best of cases. Your displeased family can buzz right off for now.

DubsAnd49ers −  NTA she made a family announcement (at the wrong time and place) and so did you.

HarlesBronson −  Nta. Kelly interrupted Opal’s special dinner with upsetting news. You had an honest reaction to it.

Do you think the Redditor and her husband were right to be so blunt in front of the entire family, or should they have addressed the issue privately? How would you handle a situation where a family member expects you to take on major responsibilities for their child? Share your thoughts below!