AITA for Telling My Mom to Stop Playing the Victim and Ruining Thanksgiving?

A Reddit user shared their experience of hosting Thanksgiving with their family, only for old tensions with their mom to resurface. Frustrated by years of manipulative behavior, they finally told their mom to “stop playing the victim,” which led to an emotional outburst and a divided family. Was the confrontation necessary, or did it ruin the holiday for everyone? Read the full story below to decide.

‘ AITA for Telling My Mom to Stop Playing the Victim and Ruining Thanksgiving?’

My mom and I have always had a strained relationship. Growing up, I learned early that everything had to be about her, her needs, her feelings. I was expected to manage my emotions around her, tiptoeing through every interaction to keep the peace.

If something didn’t go her way, she’d somehow twist the situation until she was the one hurt, the one who’d “done everything right” and was never appreciated. I hated the way it made me feel, but I told myself that one day, I’d have a chance to set boundaries, to live my life without walking on eggshells.

But as an adult, nothing’s really changed. I still find myself anxiously checking my tone, weighing every word before I speak, just to keep her from making herself the victim. This year, I decided to host Thanksgiving for the family, and I promised myself it’d be a peaceful day. My mom could come, but I’d just focus on keeping things calm. No drama.

Things were fine at first. My dad was cracking jokes, everyone was catching up, and I started to think maybe this time would be different. Then, as we sat down to eat, my mom started in. First, it was the small jabs and comments about how I “never call,” how I’m always “too busy” for her.

I tried to brush them off, but then she moved on to bigger things, saying how “family means so much to her” but she feels like she’s the only one who cares. That’s when she launched into her usual spiel about how much she’s sacrificed, how no one appreciates her, and how she’s such a “good mother who’s never shown gratitude.”

I could feel my blood start to boil. I tried to hold my tongue, but I couldn’t do it. I snapped and said, “Mom, you really need to stop playing the victim. It’s exhausting, and it’s why we don’t get along.” The room went dead silent. She sat there, shocked, before her face crumpled, and she started crying. She called me cruel, heartless, and said I’d ruined Thanksgiving.

She said she’d only ever tried to love me, but I was too “s**fish” to see it. She stormed out, and my dad followed her, giving me a sad look, like he knew this was coming but couldn’t do anything about it. Now the family is completely divided. Some of my relatives have called me to say they understand, that she needed to hear it, but others think I was heartless, that I could’ve been kinder or more tactful.

They keep saying she’s my mother and that one day I’ll regret speaking to her this way. But a part of me feels like I had to say it; if I didn’t draw a line now, I’d be stuck in this cycle forever. I’m conflicted because I never wanted to hurt her, especially not on Thanksgiving. I just couldn’t keep pretending her behavior was okay. She refuses to see her role in our issues, and I’m tired of always being the one who has to accommodate her feelings.
So… AITA for finally telling her the truth, even if it hurt her?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

StAlvis −  NTA. That’s when she launched into her usual spiel about how much she’s sacrificed, how no one appreciates her, and how she’s such a “good mother who’s never shown gratitude.” Ma’am, this is *Thanksgiving*. You seem to be looking for the *opposite* holiday.

Tumbleweed_Jim −  NTA. So you hosting Thanksgiving wasn’t enough for her? Nah, she needed to hear it and AS A GUEST IN YOUR HOME, she was incredibly rude and bad mannered. Tell people that. That you were hosting her and she couldn’t even be a gracious guest. Was it harsh? I mean not as harsh as you could have been but it’s equally harsh for her to make YOUR dinner party about her.

corgihuntress −  I have something similar in my family. A person who is the family bomb. Everybody walks on eggshells so as not to set the bomb off. I quit doing that awhile back. I set off that bomb big time and I quit walking on eggshells.

Sometimes you need to be true to yourself and not worry about what other people are going to do or say. If you’re not being a b**ly, then you have nothing to apologize for. She has a need to feel the power she gets from people kowtowing to her and now you refuse. Continue to. Just be you. Don’t go back to the toxicity of eggshells. NTA.

wwydinthismess −  I hate these situations where being an a**hole or not doesn’t really apply. It’s not fair to call an abuse victim an a**hole. Honestly, it’s probably not fair to call someone with a mental health issue and lacking the capacity to do anything about it an a**hole either. Your mom was failed by everyone when she started to behave this way and the adults in her life did nothing.

You were failed by a father who didn’t remove you from the situation and protect you. Your entire family was failed by the people who are now criticizing you for how you’ve chosen to protect yourself when none of them ever did.. You’re not an a**hole.

You’re experiencing the fallout of stuffing down your feelings and being afraid to stand up for yourself properly and in a healthy way though. Hopefully this situation will show you how important it is not to let things fester until we lose control of them. If the people criticizing you cared that much about your mother, they would have intervened when you were a child, before she ruined any opportunity to raise children that could love and respect her.

Netflickingthebean −  Are you Canadian? American Thanksgiving hasn’t happened yet. Either way NTA. Truth can be a very bitter medicine. Sorry your mom is a n**cissist.

dlabsx −  NTA. And to be honest, when people say you should’ve been “more tactful” it’s just a sign that they haven’t made an effort to really understand how YEARS of her behavior have impacted you.

Stranger0nReddit −  NTA. Sounds like it needed to be said. Will she take it to heart eventually? I wouldn’t hold your breath over it.
If you haven’t been over to r/raisedbynarcissists I think you might want to post this over there. They are your people.

EJ_1004 −  NTA. The reason you were never ever able to fully heal is because you continued to give attention and time to your abuser. You should consider individual therapy, creating and enforcing boundaries, and developing a strong shiny spine (I acknowledge its growth).

Your Mom likely didn’t want to hear the truth especially in front of others, but it needed to be said. I think that this a great opportunity to build upon. Your Mom now knows why you don’t have a great relationship, she can decide what to do next.

She got up and left (to cry, which I’m not convinced were real tears) which stopped a potentially great conversation from happening, see what she decides to do if she contacts you. If she doesn’t – it’s a win anyway. She shouldn’t contact you if she’s unwilling to change.

If she does contact you and is unwilling to change you can just lay out facts for her. “You asked me questions publicly so I responded in the same way. The conversation we had should have been discussed in private. While I love you as my Mother, I don’t like you as a person. I was honest in what I said at the table, you seem to find a way to make yourself the victim when possible.. (List clear examples)

This isn’t behavior I want to be around or put up with. Now that the truth is out there for both of us, you know what is needed to have a relationship with me. It’s up to you if you want to do the work.” I realize that this may cause some of you family members to become upset with you. But that’s okay.

People that would ask you to suppress your own emotions, caused by the person they’re defending, don’t deserve any consideration. Just leave them on read and if they try to converse about it “I realize this started publicly, but moving forward Mom and I will be handling it privately” and walk away.

Shdfx1 −  NTA. You haven’t just been managing your emotions; you’ve been managing hers. Trying to keep your mother calm every single time you see her has been exhausting and stressful.. So stop doing this. Try to get in the mindset that you no longer care about her outbursts. Stop trying to manage her, and stop trying to convince a toxic person to treat you better.

If you choose to keep inviting her to family events, then you should get a couple of people to help you deal with this. Warn her ahead of time that if she starts tearing into you, she will be told to leave. As soon as she inevitably starts crying at dinner, tell her to go to another room to compose herself, so everyone can enjoy dinner, or to leave.

If she digs in and refuses, then you and your two designated helpers, hopefully including your husband, get up, get her purse and her coat, and one of you escorts her out to the car, saying nothing other than have a nice evening. Stop arguing. Stop asking. Don’t express the anger or frustration you feel, because it feeds the poor me attitude. It’s compose yourself, or leave.

Then tell the rest of the room that your mother is sorting through some issues, and you can only bear to be near her if she remains calm. Instead of the Holy Hand Grenade, she’s the Human Hand Grenade. When she pulls that pin, out she goes.

prismaticintellect −  She wasn’t at a Festivus dinner, ffs. The Airing of Grievances wasn’t on the docket.. NTA.