AITA for telling my mom I don’t want to spend time with her if my stepbrother has to be included?

A Reddit user is struggling with the dynamics of her relationship with her mother and stepbrother, Joey. After moving back home post-college, she looked forward to spending quality “girls’ days” with her mom, only to find that her stepbrother has been included in their outings at the insistence of his father, Steve.

While the user appreciates Joey as a nice kid, she feels that the activities they engage in together are not the same as what she envisioned for her time with her mom. In a moment of frustration, she told her mother that she would rather not spend time with her at all if Joey has to be included, leading to her mom begging her to reconsider. Now, she’s left questioning whether her feelings and response were justified. To dive deeper into this family conflict, read the original story below.

‘ AITA for telling my mom I don’t want to spend time with her if my stepbrother has to be included?’

My mother had me (22f) at 15 which isn’t the point of this post but when she started dating when I was in middle school, it wasn’t a surprise that the men in her dating pool that had kids had much younger children and that was something we talked about before she got serious with Steve.

Mom started dating Steve when I was 16 and married him when I left for college. He has a now 12 year old son, Joey. I didn’t live in the house with them for very long and obviously the age difference is big so Joey and I get along but we’re not close at all. He’s a nice kid but I don’t know him super well.

He’s very attached to my mom though which I totally get, my mom is awesome. After I graduated this spring, I moved back closer to home (about 30 minutes from my mom). I was really excited to be nearby, we’ve always been really close and I missed her a lot when I was at school.

I wanted to have a dedicated girls day with my mom at least once or maybe twice a month now that I’m home and we got to do that for a couple months but the last two times, my mom has shown up with Joey. Again, I like the kid but we were doing stuff like getting our nails done, having lunch at new places, seeing plays…. Joey changes that entirely.

Last time we went to the zoo because he wanted to visit the reptile house and then got cheeseburgers. It was fine but that’s not the day I planned with my mom. We got into an argument on the phone that night and it came out that Steve has demanded that Joey be included on our days together because he felt that my time alone with my mother was her showing me favoritism.

I didn’t even know what to say, I’ve never known my mom to be so spineless especially when it came to me. It really hurt me to say it but I told her I wasn’t interested in that and if that was my only choice, I guess I would just have to see her on holidays and family gatherings.

She’s been calling me and begging me to change my mind but she won’t stand up to her husband about it so I’ve just kept apologizing and saying I’m not interested in having a kids day every month. I miss my mom though and I feel really guilty and idk if it was an a**hole thing for me to say or not

See what others had to share with OP:

Music_withRocks_In −  NTA. Joey gets time alone with your mom almost every day. If I had to guess I would say husband doesn’t want to deal with his kid alone for a day – or possibly is trying to distance his step daughter. I would hold firm but keep texting/talking to mom.

If she doesn’t want to push back it is possible she has learned to be afraid of defying her husband. And it doesn’t have to be physical abuse, he has probably trained her to not push back by throwing tantrums or being massively passive agree or just making them both so miserable whenever she has a spine she has subconsciously taught herself not to create waves.

Just keep saying “I am deeply hurt that you won’t spend time with me alone, and I’m concerned about you since this isn’t like you at all. How do you feel about never getting to be alone with me?”. Don’t tell her about the red flags, ask her how she feels about the red flags and see if you can get here there on her own.

Hefty-Arm-4594 −  NTA your request is completely reasonable and normal. Hold firm she needs to be pushed to stand up to him. Personally I see two things happening here I suspect he doesn’t want to babysit the son while you are out for a girl’s day (most likely) or this is his way of keeping tabs on her. You guys could still do the kids days but that shouldn’t be the only thing you get to do with your mother. Your mom’s husband is an AH.

Ok-Classic8323 −  NTA. does joey not go to school? Have your day with your Mum while he is in school. This is not about favouritism, Joey is not your sibling and your mum is not his mother. This is about a Mother & Daughter having a day once a month for themselves.. Her Husband is a s**fish AH

l3ex_G −  Nta your mother needs to stand up for you. This is messy and something smells bad. Do you at all suspect abuse because maybe you should?

oaksandpines1776 −  NtA. Just bring him to the spa and get his fingernails done also.

KronkLaSworda −  NTA, no. You want some one-on-one time with your mom and step dad is sabotaging it for whatever reason.

Robinnoodle −  NTA. Your step dad is the biggest ah of all. Why can’t your mom have a day that’s just with Joey to compensate? Mom’s behavior disappoints me too. Have you known your step dad to be unreasonable like this in the past? Sorry you are going through this

Aggravating-Pain9249 −  Steve is the AH here. Joey is not your sibling, or biologically your mom’s child. It is good that Joey thinks of her as his mom, You are your mother’s adult child and deserve to be able to spend some alone time with her. Maybe not as often as once a month.. NTA

SpicyTurtle38 −  NTA- this isn’t showing YOU favoritism, it’s showing her stepson favoritism! He’s with her every day, I’m assuming, whereas this is the only time you get with your mom. The activities are being chosen for him, and he gets alone time with your mom literally any time you’re not around, which is… all the time….

Your stepdad sounds seriously controlling and like he’s afraid of your mom spending time with you at all. Honestly it’s weird and kind of worrisome. Forcing you to shape your mom time around a 12 year old is totally ridiculous. Maybe try a new tactic- schedule pedicures and tell your mom “this is where I’ll be, you’re welcome to join me, but there’s only space for one extra person.” Or go to dinner- “I’m going out to X restaurant on this day.

You’re welcome to join me, it’s a table for two.” Or “I bought tickets to this play- one for me and one for a friend. I’d like it to be you, but will take someone else if you can’t.” Instead of planning things together, just tell her where you’ll be and that she can come alone or not at all.

SmashedBrotato −  NTA. Your stepdad is a demanding weirdo, and your mother needs to put her foot down if she values a relationship with you.

Do you think the user was in the wrong for expressing her desire to spend time alone with her mother, or is she justified in wanting her mom’s attention without including her stepbrother? How would you handle a situation where family dynamics complicate your personal relationships? Share your thoughts below!