AITA for telling my husband it’s not ok he worked a 12 hour day on my birthday?

The original poster (OP) is disappointed and upset with her husband for working a long 12-hour shift on her birthday. Birthdays are typically celebrated in their family with special activities, but her husband had scheduled a job for the day, not realizing it was her birthday.

OP felt unappreciated, especially since she took on all the childcare duties while managing her own work. Although her husband works hard to provide for the family, she’s exhausted and often feels isolated. She’s left wondering if her reaction was unfair, given her husband’s demanding job.

‘ AITA for telling my husband it’s not ok he worked a 12 hour day on my birthday?’

It’s my birthday today. For the other 51 Mondays of the year, my husband has been home before dinner. Today he left at 6am, just home at 6pm. For all other birthdays in our family we (I?) always make it special. Cake for breakfast, early and fun dinner out (simple yet fun to make the person feel it’s a special day).

He told me last week he’d booked this job in for today. I said “oh that’s my birthday”. He said he hadn’t looked at the date, so didn’t realise it was my birthday. He said his client was getting the keys to his new house today, so he wanted all the electrical work done (husband is an electrician) and had booked in 2 other ppl to work with him. He said “we’ll get something for dinner”.

5pm comes, the kids are hungry, toilet training 3 year old is grumpy and I literally can’t cook anything other than boiled eggs and toast safely while I have him on my hip. To add insult to injury he’s just been away for 2 days cos I told him he looked exhausted and needed a break.

He works hard to maintain the finances for our family. I had a big corporate job before kids which I had to leave when we had them (or else I’d never see them). But I have worked my a$$ off teaching myself a new profession and have just started turning a profit.

I’m so mentally exhausted and my youngest is so attached to me I can’t even use the restroom without him touching me (bless his heart). Pre kids I had lots of social interaction. I loved it. I feel so isolated and I often go a full day or more without talking to someone over the age of 5. He knows I struggle with this.

AITA for being angry at my husband for working all day on my birthday? Feeling so gutted I had to take a walk when he came home and left the kids to him.

Ps. Probably could’ve prepared a better dinner but I’m too gutted and I’m all over their nutrition the other 364 days of the year. It’s all I had the energy to muster.

PPS. He knows I was upset when he first told me he was working that full day. I knew based on what he had to do and where it was that it’d be a big day.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

rileyyesno −  NTA for being angry based on your normal, but we do birthdays the weekend before or after. the day of during the week always has a huge risk of conflicts for us so we just don’t do that, beyond wishing each other happy birthday and usually but not guaranteed, that evening we’ll get a cake for after a regular dinner.

my own wife paused her career for 5 years with the birth of our second because trading almost half her income for much worse care than she could provide was not worthwhile for us. birthdays during this period were particularly tough.

katbelleinthedark −  NAH. It is normal to be upset. But as you said, your husband is a main breadwinner and works hard to support your family. He booked a job and didn’t realise it was on your birthday. Things like that happen.

And you also admit that you knew it’d be a big job and that he booked extra people to come and help him so I presume rescheduling wasn’t an option. His actual options were go ahead with the planned job or cancel and probably lose it altogether.

ElectricalTip4614 −  NAH. You say your husband is working hard to provide for your family, based on his job and being the sole income earner I can understand why he may prioritise work over a birthday, especially since the birthday doesn’t appear to have been a significant one with a planned celebration to mark the occasion.

And you say you knew when he told you days before that it would be a big day … so I cant understand why you wouldn’t have shifted the celebration to another day. I can understand your disappointment to a degree, especially if your husband habitually forgets your birthday or events important to you, but as an adult there are other priorities in life more important than celebrating a birthday on the actual day.

CarbonationRequired −  NAH. He’s got a job. He can’t just not work because it happens to be your birthday. You also knew ahead of time it’d be a big day.

Many people don’t/can’t celebrate their birthday on the actual day. It really sucks his work lined up that way and it’s absolutely normal to feel frustrated and tired after that big day, but he arrived back at 6pm not 11pm so at least some of the evening could’ve been salvaged, I hope it was.

thenord321 −  Yta. You aren’t a child, learn to celebrate on the weekend like everyone else that has responsibility during the weekday.
You offloaded all the financial responsibility to support your two and kids onto his shoulders then complain when he works hard. 

You certainly do need more time talking with adults  but that’s your responsibility to sort out. Plenty of ways to do it too while watching kids. Find some “mom and kid” events, visiting parks, play dates where you chat with mons, etc.

11SkiHill −  Yikes. You need to pull yourself together.  You could have easily ordered a nice fun take out meal instead of sulking.
Make it happen for yourself. Set a good example for your kids. He was working…not betting on the ponies. Grow up and be a partner, not a victim.

Delicious-Cut-7911 −  I always have birthday celebrations for me or my husband at the weekend. He’s working during the week and is too tired when he gets home. I get the gift and card in the morning.

GapApprehensive3184 −  NAH. He was working but for him to do the job he needs to you do the childcare, home care and are trying to establish another career after sacrificing the one you had for your family.

He is not the only one making sacrifices.You’re allowed to be upset because he didnt remember your birthday. A husband shouldn’t require to look at a diary for his wife’s birthday. 

Your allowed to feel under valued. You told him last week that he booked a job on your birthday and he could have sorted something for the weekend before but didnt. There is a million small things he could have done to show he valued you without it being a big production on a busy day but he made the choice not to.

You both need to make aure you are singing from the same song book. If he expects you to make a fuss on his birthday he need to give the same energy back.

I_am_Reddit_Tom −  It’s just a day. Man has a job. It’s a shame but busting his balls for it isn’t on.

Depeche_Mood82 −  NAH why can’t you celebrate on the weekend? I understand being a little bummed that you couldn’t be celebrated as much as you felt was necessary but even my 7 year old nephew celebrated his birthday Saturday even though his birthday was during the week.