AITA for telling my husband he’s too broke to be so sexist?

On the AmItheA**hole subreddit, a wife shared that she felt frustrated when her husband, who usually helped out at home, suddenly started siding with his traditional parents during their visit. They thought she should be a “proper” wife by doing all the cooking and cleaning, and her husband backed them up.

Fed up with the pressure and feeling disrespected, she snapped and told him that he was too broke to be so sexist. Now, she’s wondering if she went too far, especially since she said it in front of their kids.

AITA for telling my husband he’s too broke to be so sexist?

So my husband comes from a ‘traditional’ family. Mum’s a SAHM, father was the sole provider. I come from the opposite – my mother pretty much forbade from ever being financially dependent on a man and drilled that into me early on.

My husband worked hard to unlearn the values he saw replicated at home. He (often more than) pulled his weight at home, was an engaged and present father and a genuine partner. The one thing that grinds my gears is how much weight he puts on the opinions of his family. I get that we all want our parents to be proud of us, but this is too much.

My ILs are staying with us for 2 weeks. Our usual MO is, I prep breakfast, we all eat lunch at work/school, and my husband makes dinner. We have a cleaner, but she’s on holiday so in the meantime we’re DIYing the cleaning where it’s down to everyone to keep their space clean and common spaces we all clean. This is how we’ve always done it, and it works.

My ILs hate that I’m ‘one of those modern women’. They hate that I work, they hate that I don’t find my purpose in being a wife and mother and they hate that my husband pulls his weight at home. We spoke pretty frankly early on, where I established my boundaries and told them I won’t be chastised about how I live my life in my home. When I am a guest in their home, I accommodate their ways and play the DIL they wish I was. They have for the most part respected this.

I got home yesterday after work tired and starving. I typically get home 1815/30 and we eat at 1900. I said quick hellos and ran up for a pre-dinner shower. When I came down, I went to the kitchen to help set up for dinner and found nothing ready. I asked my husband about it but he wouldn’t look at me and his mother answered that he hadn’t cooked anything. She told me I needed to do my duty as a wife and cook for my family. My coward of a husband still wasn’t looking at me. I just walked away and ordered takeaway. I dished up for me and my kids and we sat at the table to eat. My husband and his parents served themselves and joined us.

My MIL was still going on about what was wrong with me and why I was a failure. I asked my husband if he had anything to say. He said his mother had a point and it wouldn’t hurt if I acted ‘more like a proper woman’ and ‘took better care of my home and children’. He said tradition was tradition for a reason and it was kind of insulting that I thought I was too good for how he was raised.

This is where I might be the asshole. I told him tradition won’t allow a man on 35k to support a family of 5 and he was too broke to be so sexist. He looked hurt and I saw tears welling in his eyes. He excused himself from the table. I regret saying this in front of our children, but him saying that to me after I’m busting my ass to clean up his mess on top of having to deal with his parents was too much for me. AITA.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

WhyCommentQueasy – Sucks the kids were there for it but he deserved worse. NTA. Should have ordered only enough food for you and the kids.

owls_and_cardinals – NTA. Your husband was indeed a coward. He has been a willing participant in your marriage all along and has gamely contributed to the agreement you have that works for you both. It was incredibly hurtful of him to not uphold his own decisions nor defend his wonderful partner of a wife to his parents. When the shit hit the fan, he failed to hold up, and that’s a really sad realization for you. What you said might have been hurtful and cutting, but it was the truth, and only came out because he said – also in front of your children – that you weren’t a proper woman and didn’t take adequate care of your home and children.

Frankly, he needed to hear it! How can he think you should be MORE OR BETTER with all that you’re already doing? Does he think it’s really a valid option for you to just drop your work and career to be a homemaker, and how does he think that’s gonna go for your family? It’s absurdly impractical and makes him look like an imbecile to think it has merit.

Hate to fall into old reddit tropes but… it’s gotta be therapy or divorce time, no? Definitely do the therapy route because it sounds like he’s like 85% bought in and working to be a better person, but that 15% reared its head when his parents came around…. which might mean you need some firm boundaries against his parents. It’s sickening that they abused their influence of him and used their time with him alone to turn him against you. If it were me, they would not be welcome in my home ever again and I’d be seriously considering limiting their access to the grandkids as well, because they are poisonous against you.

CakeEatingRabbit – NTA. To be honest, I would’ve been even meaner.

“Oh honey, I would love to be there for my children and cook meals for you, but as you can’t provide for me, like a traditional man would, and can’t lead but are lead by your mother, I’m forced to be the man and the woman here. I also wont tolerate to be talked to like your mother does in my own home. In my home, eating food I pay for. Another word and I will kick them out.”

Your husband needs a spine. Desperatly.

judgeeveryonesbiznes – NTA – I get you want to tpresent a united front to the kids but he said that about you in front of them and that is not an idea you want taking root in your childrens mind.

He was banking on you bowing to peer/family pressure to get away with this disrepect of you and your families normal way of division of labor. He gambled and lost on that and I am really proud that you did not bow down just because his parents were there or that the kids were in the room. Too many people let things like this slide so as not to upset the apple cart.

This is all on him. He decided it was better for him and easier for him risk your feelings than stand up to his parents. He chose to upset you versus upsetting his mother. I honestly would not have let them have any of the take out food. I would have probably taken my kids and left to have dinner with just me and the kids.

Peony-Pony – NTA.

My MIL was still going on about what was wrong with me and why I was a failure. I asked my husband if he had anything to say. He said his mother had a point and it wouldn’t hurt if I acted ‘more like a proper woman’ and ‘took better care of my home and children’. He said tradition was tradition for a reason and it was kind of insulting that I thought I was too good for how he was raised.

This is where I might be the asshole. I told him tradition won’t allow a man on 35k to support a family of 5 and he was too broke to be so sexist. NTA I agree what you said needed to be said. Especially since your in law’s were present. I also agree it should not have been said in front of your children.

Your husband let his parents get into his head space and he ran with it. I don’t think it’s helpful to hurt your partner’s feeling in a relationship. However, occasionally you need to take a stand. I was home on maternity leave and I was helping a friend plan a shower. My husband magnanimously offered to babysit when I went out to meet my friend to discuss the plans and grab a few decorations. Let’s leave it at a rather lively discussion ensued regarding parenting vs babysitting and my husband never offered to “babysit” our children again.

squirrelsareevil2479 – NTA. First thing to do is tell the IL’s they are no longer welcome in your home. If husband wants to see them, he can go visit them. I’d put strict rules in place about contact with the children. Your children should not have to listen to them denigrate their mother. Do talk to your children and say you’re sorry they had to hear that and that adult conversations should be private. Do not apologize to your husband, he was fine with letting his parents attack you and he said you were not a proper woman. He should be grovelling at this point. Tell him he has a choice of therapy for himself or divorce. Your children do not need to be brought up in a sexist, demeaning household. Be firm and take care of yourself.

metalmorian – Obviously NTA, but I do have to wonder… What exactly has your husband and parents in law been saying about you amongst each other? Doesn’t sound like your husband is stopping any malicious slandering, sounds more like he’s joining in.

More than that, how much of what they’ve slandered you about was said in the hearing of the kids? Little mice have large ears, and kids have a habit of eavesdropping when the adults gossip about their parents.

There is a HUGE crisis in your marriage right now, since your husband basically betrayed you. Like literally took what you agreed on (equality) and trusted him with (your children) and did the opposite of what you trusted him to do. It’s a betrayal. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I’d be interested in hearing what he has to say for himself when you talk to him… and you MUST talk to him about it, ASAP.

Cold-Lawyer-1856 – I think the part where you invited his feedback is very important here. If you haven’t done that perhaps it would be a both parties situation. But you clearly and directly gave him a choice to make. Does he disrespect or defend you?

He chose disrespect. I don’t even think what you said is disrespectful it is a factual statement that hurts like saying someone has a drinking problem or something like that. NTA for sure.