AITA for telling my friend she can get back in touch when she stops being perpetually busy?

A woman (mid-30s) has been friends with someone for 12 years, but the friendship has grown increasingly strained. Her friend is constantly “busy” but often seems to find time for others, leaving the woman feeling neglected. Over the years, their interactions have dwindled to her sending updates and receiving delayed, generic responses.

After another birthday message from her friend, she decided to confront her, telling her to get in touch when she’s “less permanently busy” and can maintain a more substantial level of communication. The friend is now upset, but the woman feels justified in her response. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for telling my friend she can get back in touch when she stops being perpetually busy?’

So, long story short: I’ve had it with one of my friends. We’ve known each other for about 12 years (met at uni, now we’re mid-30s). She’s the “permanently busy” type – if you know, you know. Always doing something, can’t be alone with her thoughts for one second, hyper-extroverted, etc.

She’s a nice person but that pattern of compulsive “busy-ness” got on my nerves from the start. Like…after we graduated she worked part-time. That’s it. For extra money she let out the other bedrooms in her house. No kids, no dogs, no serious partners, no ailing relatives.

And despite working maximum 2-3 days a week from 8 to 3, she was almost impossible to get a hold of. I lived 30 minutes away ON FOOT and we’d still see each other every 3-4 months at best. And every time, the spiel was “I know it’s been ages but I’m just so *BUSY!*”.

A few years ago I moved so we’re now in different countries. I tried to stay in touch via WhatsApp but even that’s been falling apart. Over the lockdown she got married and had two kids. So you can imagine how hard she is to get a hold of now that she actually has responsibilities and isn’t just busy being busy.

So for the past year now our interactions have dwindled down to me sending her life updates and asking about hers…and her getting back weeks later if I’m lucky, months later or not at all if I’m not, with a generic *”so sorry, been so busy but you’re in my thoughts, how are you x”*. 

Meanwhile she’s still pretty active on social media and regularly posting about all the fun things she gets up to with all those other people. So** to cut a long story short, I decided this means she’s just not interested and trying to tell me nicely.

I mean…how else *am* I supposed to take barely answering me, and if so mostly just to remind me for the millionth time of *just how BUSY* she is, while simultaneously showing off all the things and people she \*does\* miraculously find the time for?

Now here’s the kicker. She messaged me about three months after my last message, once again with a generic *”so sorry, so busy, how are u xx*”. And I chose not to respond because I’m over it. A month later (last week) it was my birthday, and she sent a birthday message and sounded quite upset I hadn’t responded to the previous one.

I responded by telling her what I said in the title: “What’s the point of messaging you anyway, when I already know how it’s gonna go? I’ll pass. Let me know if you ever get less permanently busy and can keep in touch on a more substantial level than getting back to me months later just to remind me of how busy you are”.

I heard through the grapevine (mutual friends/acquaintances) that she’s upset at how I talked to her. But I don’t think I’m in the wrong here. Am I obligated to keep making an effort for someone who just can’t or won’t reciprocate?

And FFS – isn’t it bizarre to get upset when someone you clearly don’t care enough about to make an effort to include in your life, lets go?*. 

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

coastalkid92 −  NAH The friendship has changed and it’s clear you two have different priorities. It sounds like you don’t understand her motivations for keeping busy and she doesn’t sound like she’s particularly good at carving out quality time for you.

I don’t think your message wasn’t particularly…tactful, it’s definitely reads as salty and bitter. I mean, your post on a whole sounds that way. Friendships change as you get older and you can either build something new that’s sustainable for both of you or move along with respect and fondness for the friendship you had.

Crafter_2307 −  YTA. You come across as angry and bitter. Some people are genuinely busy. Not having a partner/kids isn’t an indicator people aren’t busy as that seems to be the only grace you offer. Some people are just bad at communicating.

Some people occasionally need time away from people and use “busy” as an excuse. Your comments just reinforce how bitter you actually are as well – busy “schtick”

hanoihiltonsuites −  I think people are missing where she was miffed at you for not replying to a text. I would also be annoyed at this. Why is it ok for her to be busy and late in responding but not you? That would irk me for sure. Give grace and get grace.

atealein −  YTA. She did reciprocate and contacted you when she had a thought of you and for your birthday. Include you in her life? You are a friend that lives abroad for the past few years and you are now both in your 30s.

Unless you actually share an interest and are both active chatters about it, friends updates are pretty common to be once few months or a year and the sort of “checking in, want to stay connected even though we are far apart”.

Not to mention that you are obviously deeply resentful about her “being busy” without YOU and without understanding how she is busy. “No kids, dogs, serious partners, ailing relatives” – what about friends, hobbies, activities, interests? You are her friend of 12 years, how come you DON’T KNOW HER?

Edit: saw OP describe the friend as “being called out on her -busy- shtick” – she is married with two kids in a different country with life that is entirely disconnected from you. You demanding that your messages are somehow prioritized in her life without even trying to know her life shows you are not the friend you think you are.

Olly-Thompson −  you’re frustrated and at your limit with this friendship. You’ve made an effort, but it’s clear she hasn’t been meeting you halfway. I get why you said what you did, but maybe it came off a little harsh.

If she’s genuinely upset, it might help to have a more open conversation about how you feel. You’re not obligated to keep investing in a one-sided friendship, though.

Shirley_Redemple −  YTA because of the way you talked to her. To be clear, you are not in fact, obligated to keep making an effort for people who aren’t reciprocating to your satisfaction. Nor are you obligated to keep up a friendship with someone who “got on your nerves from the start.”

But you had countless chances over the last 15-18 years to either speak up in a constructive way, or just start being conveniently busy right back when she texted and focus on the people whose company you enjoy more. That fact that you never did doesn’t make up for the fact that you exploded with resentment now.

Your friend also isn’t obligated to exactly match your levels of extroversion, “busyness,” texting promptness, and so on. Sometimes people just turn out not to be very compatible as friends, and that’s okay. It’s strange that you see the incompatibility as a personal affront.

M1eXcel −  NTA, it’s unfair to be upset at someone for doing something once that you’ve done to them consistently. I find it’s also pretty poor form to get upset about someone being upset at you for your crappy behaviour.

You finally called her out for something that has been upsetting you, and instead of apologising or saying she’ll make an effort, she just complains to friends

cecilialoveheart −  NTA, i’m so confused at all the other comments

Honeydew-Swimming −  NTA. I cut off a more than decade long friendship for something similar. She had moved to another state, barely kept in contact but when we talked only complained about how much she misses home, I got a place that she could move into, she refused.

Years go by, she reaches out to hang out. Turns out she had moved back months prior and was only reaching out because her boyfriend was having a party with all his friends and she had none (wonder why).

Ended up being excuse after excuse when I would try to hang out, I eventually cussed her out and called it the end. I’m not in high school; don’t want the drama. And you’re NTA. She’s shown you how she values your “friendship”. She isn’t even upset about that, she’s upset about how you talked to her. That says it all.

It’s understandable that you’re frustrated with the one-sided nature of the friendship. You’ve made efforts to stay in touch, but the lack of reciprocity and your friend’s persistent excuses left you feeling undervalued.

While the way you worded your response might have come off as harsh, you’re not obligated to continue putting energy into a relationship that isn’t fulfilling or balanced. It’s okay to prioritize your well-being and seek friendships that are more mutual. What do you think? share your thoughts below!