AITA for telling my daughter’s father that I will not be doing a Quincenera for her?

Family traditions can be deeply meaningful—but they can also become a source of conflict when expectations and finances clash. I (35F) have a 13‑year‑old daughter who dreams of having a Quinceañera, a celebration deeply rooted in Hispanic culture. However, as an Americanized Hispanic woman, I’m not comfortable spending a fortune on one event.

My daughter’s father (36M) pays no child support and is mired in debt, so I handle all expenses for our daughter. While I appreciate that family traditions matter, I believe a lavish Quinceañera is both impractical and unnecessary for us. Instead, I planned a more intimate backyard celebration with food, a DJ, and an invite list of close family and friends.

Despite my clear plan, my ex keeps pushing for a grander event, comparing our plans to his cousin’s expensive baby shower. The pressure and constant disagreements have become overwhelming, especially as I’m juggling my studies and career. Now, I’m questioning whether I’m the asshole for refusing to change our agreement around rent, bills, and, in this case, for not hosting an extravagant Quinceañera.

‘ AITA for telling my daughter’s father that I will not be doing a Quincenera for her?’

Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in family dynamics, explains, “When it comes to family celebrations, especially those that are deeply tied to cultural traditions, there can be a significant emotional investment on both sides. However, it’s important for individuals to set financial and personal boundaries that are in line with their own values and circumstances. If one partner is insisting on an event that doesn’t reflect your priorities or financial reality, it’s a signal that a conversation about expectations is overdue.”

She continues, “Your refusal to organize a lavish Quinceañera isn’t about rejecting your culture—it’s about making a practical choice that respects your financial health and overall well-being. Open dialogue is key, but when repeated requests disregard your limitations, it’s completely acceptable to stick to your plan.”

Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman adds, “In any relationship, especially in co-parenting or ex-partner dynamics, financial decisions should be made collaboratively when they affect both parties. However, if one person is clearly taking on the majority of the burden and their boundaries are not respected, then it is reasonable to assert a firm stance. The goal is not to diminish cultural traditions but to adapt them in a way that works for everyone involved.”

Both experts agree that while your ex-partner’s desire for a traditional celebration is understandable, your refusal to host a full-blown Quinceañera is a valid decision given your personal circumstances and financial priorities.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Several redditors expressed support for your decision. One user commented, “If you’ve been handling all expenses and you know your limits, you’re not the asshole for saying ‘no’ to a lavish event that isn’t practical for you.”

Another commenter shared, “I completely get where you’re coming from. A Quinceañera is beautiful, but it can also be incredibly expensive and stressful. It’s important to honor traditions, but not at the cost of your own well-being.”

Ultimately, your decision to refuse a full-blown Quinceañera is rooted in a practical, financially responsible stance. You’re not rejecting your heritage; you’re adapting it to fit your reality—a reality where you already shoulder most of your daughter’s expenses and have significant other responsibilities. This situation raises an important question: How do we balance cultural traditions with personal financial and emotional well-being?

What would you do if your partner’s expectations for a celebration clash with your own priorities? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights might help others navigate the balance between honoring traditions and protecting personal boundaries.