AITA for Telling My Daughter’s Dad He Can’t Stay With Me?
A co-parenting mother is conflicted after her daughter’s dad, who’s facing financial struggles, asked to stay at her home temporarily. While she empathizes with his situation and understands the value of helping, she’s hesitant due to his narcissistic tendencies, history of boundary-crossing, and the potential harm to her peace and relationship with her boyfriend.
Though she’s considered offering alternative support, like helping him find resources, she fears he might guilt her into compliance. Now, she’s questioning whether prioritizing her boundaries and peace makes her selfish. read the original story below…
‘ AITA for Telling My Daughter’s Dad He Can’t Stay With Me?’
My daughter’s dad is going through a really tough time right now—he’s struggling financially and asked me if he could stay at my place while he gets back on his feet. On one hand, I know what it’s like to be homeless, and part of me wants to help him because of that. But on the other hand, I just can’t stand him as a person.
We co-parent pretty well when it comes to our daughter, and I give him credit for that. But beyond that, he’s entitled, narcissistic, and has a history of not respecting boundaries. Those traits are a big reason why we didn’t work out in the first place.
I know if he were to stay here, it would likely lead to arguments, stress, and a disruption of the peace I’ve worked hard to create in my home. Then there’s my boyfriend. He was very clear that he’s not okay with the idea of my ex staying under the same roof, and honestly, I understand where he’s coming from.
I’ve also spoken to some of the men in my life—friends, family, etc.—and they’ve all echoed the same sentiment: I don’t owe my ex anything beyond communicating about our child. They’ve reminded me that it’s not my job to rescue him, especially when he hasn’t shown the respect or accountability necessary to make a situation like this work.
But still, there’s a part of me that feels guilty. I don’t want to see my daughter’s dad struggle, and I know that providing temporary help could make a difference for him. At the same time, I worry that allowing him to stay would send the wrong message—that I’m okay with him crossing boundaries or leaning on me in ways that I’m not comfortable with.
I’ve thought about suggesting other alternatives, like helping him find resources or temporary housing, but I know he’s the type to push back and make me feel like I’m the bad guy for not offering him what he wants. It’s exhausting to even think about having that conversation.
So here I am, torn between wanting to do the “right thing” and knowing that letting him stay would likely cause more harm than good—for me, for my relationship, and even for my daughter, who deserves a stable and drama-free environment.
Am I the asshole for prioritizing my peace and setting this boundary, or am I being selfish for not offering him the help he’s asking for?
These are the responses from Reddit users:
IamIrene − Sounds like everyone else has told him “no” and now he’s preying on your empathy. No is a perfectly acceptable answer. If you let him you are literally opening the door to a situation that could turn out very badly for you and your daughter. He could become a very unwelcome squatter with squatter’s rights.. You are NTA.
allthebaconandeggs- − Quick story: My mom had finally separated from my narcissistic father after 20 years of bs. After about a year, his poor choices led him to being homeless. He asked to stay with her. Because my mom is a much more decent human than he was, she agreed.
She made him sign a contract stating that he would abide by very fair house rules (clean up after himself, don’t take and ruin her stuff, be polite, contribute financially, etc). He agreed. It took him less than a week to be the ass that he was, and break almost every agreement he made.
And he was outraged when she made him leave. She’s lucky he didn’t fight it, luckily his enabling sister offered to take him in out-of-state. And there he stayed, in her basement, till he died, being a nuisance to my aunt and completely ungrateful for her help till the end.
Some people will bleed you dry and feel entitled to your last drop. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
feminist1946 − NTA. You need to understand part of his personality disorder is the ability to manipulate others. He doesn’t care about you. He cares only for himself. He sees you as a target who he was once successful in managing. He knows your weaknesses and knows what works.
Stop talking to him because you are not strong enough to fend him off. Talk only about the child. If he deviates from that discussion of the child hang up or walk away. Don’t give him a way in.
Artistic_Thought7309 − You can’t stand him as a person. Why should you endure his presence in confined spaces of your’s? NTA and do not fall for the manipulation of a n**cissist
BigZog420 − YTA for pretending like you can’t figure out what to do.
britdd − Children are dependents you willingly accept because you brought them into the world. Baby Daddy’s and Ex’s are not dependents. Plus the boyfriend has a voice here and made it clear where they stand. NTA
dryadduinath − NTA. You don’t let someone stay in your home when you already know they don’t respect boundaries. It’s just “no you can’t stay with me” and that’s all you need to say. Don’t give him reasons; you don’t need one, and the only reason he wants one is so he has something to argue with.
SavingsRhubarb8746 − NTA. I can’t imagine why you’d let someone unpleasant move in with you even if he is your daughter’s father. And if he’s really having problems, you might have a LOT of trouble getting him out again. The most you owe him is directions to whatever public assistance options exist in your community.
NameNumberUnderscore − NTA. But if you’re looking to become single and get rid of your boyfriend, go ahead and move your ex in lol.
Humble_Guidance_6942 − NTA. No is a complete sentence. Just say no and don’t engage. Don’t give excuses, don’t blame your man, just no.
Is she wrong for refusing her ex’s request, or is she justified in setting limits to protect her well-being and maintain stability for her daughter? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!