AITA for telling my daughter that she’s ruining her life?

A concerned mother (49F) confronted her 19-year-old daughter about her drinking habits, legal troubles, and lack of motivation after the daughter moved out. She expressed worry that her daughter is sabotaging her future, encouraging her to change course before it’s too late.

However, the daughter became angry, saying she is an adult paying her own bills and that her parents’ lower financial status contributed to her current situation. They ended the conversation on bad terms. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for telling my daughter that she’s ruining her life?’

I (49F) recently got into an argument with my newly 19F daughter about the way she’s living her life. Now, she lives on her own, pays her own bills, apparently has a job and a social life. She could definitely be doing much worse, but unfortunately her living situation does not end there.

Since she moved out, we have talked about how she spends her days and lives her life. Apparently, most nights when she’s not out with friends she’s getting wine drunk by herself alone in her apartment. She apparently thought it was funny; I did not agree.

And the nights when she is out she’s also getting drunk, only much more so and with her friends. She didn’t get into the university she wanted so she’s taking a gap year. She didn’t study nearly as much as she should have, and from what I’ve understood she doesn’t have intention to put in any more work the next time around.

It doesn’t even end at unhealthy habits. Last winter she was detained by the police while on a night out because she and her friends had been fighting with the staff at a night club. Before that, in the autumn of 2023, she had been found guilty of petty fraud.

(Gave false info to the social security agency to get more money) I confronted her about the way she lives her life a few days ago while I was delivering cake I’d baked for her for her birthday.

I told her that she needs to get her life together, stop drinking excessively often, getting into pointless petty legal troubles, try to get a hold of her life so she could actually make something of herself, make a better life for herself than what my husband and I have.

To stop ruining the potential she has, stop sabotaging her own life before she ruins it and it’s too late. She got surprisingly angry at me, telling me I have no business telling her anything since she’s an adult who lives on her own, pays her own bills and lives her own life according to her terms.

She told me that if I wanted her to live her life in better ways, my husband & I should have given her a better life. (She’s mostly referring to financial status as my husband & I are lower middle class. Not poor, just lower middle.)

I tried explaining that we are just worried about her, and want her to utilize her potential that she so clearly has. She didn’t care and simply told me to leave her apartment and we haven’t spoken since.

TL;DR: My 19F daughter got angry at me after I confronted her on her hazardous and unhealthy lifestyle and told her that she has to stop ruining her own life. (drinking, legal troubles, not studying enough) She told me that I don’t have any business to meddle in her life since she’s an independent adult.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

spicybunnymeat −  She is going to need to learn the hard way. And you’re going to have to watch it happen. Be there for her if (when) she shows up asking for help but be prepared with some requirements she must follow. I’m sorry. It’s so hard as a parent to watch your child make decisions you know are wrong.NTA

Ms_Meercat −  Mhm… ESH probably Your delivery is not great, and doing it when you’re supposedly celebrating her birthday sucks more.
But your point is not wrong and it does sound like she needs a reality check…To me it sounds like she is on the road to a**oholism.

It would also explain her aggressive reaction (blaming others like her upbringing, not wanting to hear that drink may be a problem because she doesn’t want to give it up, the way she’s leading the rest of her life…)Daily drinking especially drinking alone at home regularly to the point of drunkenness is a huge red flag.

If it is so, a ‘come to jesus’ talk isn’t going to help. Until she realises how alcohol is affecting her and until she decides she wants to stop, she won’t be able to make changes (and even that will need help). Sadly, it could be a long time until she gets to that point, and she might never get there.

I don’t want to be doom and gloom but my mom died of a**oholism and so I know how it can go. I would suggest you go to addiction counsel centers and learn about the disease, and/or to a support group for family and friends of alcoholics.

The key point to here is that you can’t control somebody else’s drinking, and if she progresses to being worse, your urge to try to get her to change her life will only get stronger (and it won’t help. Trust me, millions of family members have tried).

Look, I might be jumping the gun based on my own experience. But her drinking habits are minimum problematic, and a**oholism when left alone never gets better only worse.

90s_tripverse −  YTA. You come from a place of love and concern, but: I confronted her about the way she lives her life a few days ago **while I was delivering cake I’d baked for her for her birthday.

I told her that she needs to get her life together, stop drinking excessively often, getting into pointless petty legal troubles, **try to get a hold of her life so she could actually make something of herself, make a better life for herself than what my husband and I have.

To stop **ruining the potential she has, stop sabotaging her own life before she ruins it and it’s too late. Who wants to hear all of this on their 19th *birthday?

Periodek −  NTA, but your delivery sucks. You have a good message, but remember when you were 19 and adjust. Your relationship with your daughter is changing, she is an adult. Come from a place of concern, talk rather than chastise.

HyrrokinAura −  Just a note on “living up to her potential.” When you say this, you are comparing your daughter to a person you invented who only exists in your head. The person you invented is not your daughter, and your daughter *cannot* be that person.

You need to see your daughter for who she is and work with that person. Continually telling her you wish she was a different person isn’t going to help her and will affect her self esteem and your relationship with her negatively.

MaxHowe −  soft YTA. She’s likely an a**oholic or otherwise some type of addict. You’re not getting anywhere by lecturing her. Offer support, not empty speeches and platitudes. You’re not telling her anything a 19 year old doesn’t know.

HellaShelle −  Tale as old as time… Young people aren’t known for wanting to listen to older folks. You have legitimate concerns, but you’ll need to adjust your approach if you actually want her to hear you.

LivingSoDeliciously −  YTA. Sounds like you have a good intention and you love her, but your delivery was awful. Plus, you did it on her birthday.
Lecturing her/passing judgement to her won’t ever work, it only creates more distance between you too.

It could be good to first get informed in a support group for loved ones of a**oholic people. Think about what you want to say to her before saying it. Be very mindful with your wording. Using “I think you should/you must/you’re wasting” and similar phrases create a barrier rather than a bridge when trying to communicate.

Starting your dialogue with “I love you. I see you do X and it makes me feel Y and Z” would be better. She needs support, but she has to want it. Being her mother doesn’t entitle you to pass judgement on her life like that. I’d recommend learning how to support her like I mentioned, and to improve your communication skills.

BeckaSuazu −  NTA but she won’t listen. If you did your best raising her in a way you think you taught her values and to set priorities, then this is just what she chose and she’ll have to get through the consequences to understand

heath7158 −  This is, word for word, the same post as one yesterday where you were told YTA. Are you hoping for a different outcome this time?

Should the mother have spoken up, or did she overstep by meddling in her daughter’s life? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!