AITA for telling my daughter that she is smart and hardworking but not gifted ?

A Reddit user shares a story about a conversation at dinner with his family, where he expressed pride in his daughter’s academic achievements but clarified that, in his opinion, she is smart and hardworking rather than “gifted.”

His wife disagreed, believing their daughter is indeed gifted, while the daughter admitted that she agreed with her father but felt it wasn’t necessary to mention. The user insists he wanted to caution his daughter against developing an inflated sense of being special, based on his experiences, but now both his wife and daughter are upset. The post concludes by inviting everyone to watch the story below.

‘ AITA for telling my daughter that she is smart and hardworking but not gifted.’

My wife and I both have electrical engineering degrees but I no longer work in the field and am a manager. We have a daughter (15F) and a son (17M) and both will be headed to university next month.

My son is doing a BA and has not yet picked his major and my daughter will be studying physics and computer science. My son is also very smart and is a history and language nerd. My daughter is smart and hardworking and is attending at an earlier age than usual.

She was in a school program for gifted kids. We were having a conversation at dinner the other day and my wife mentioned how proud she was of our daughter and how lucky we were to have gifted children going to good university programs and how not many people can do what our daughter did.

I was also very happy but I said that while (daughter) is really hardworking and smart, I would not say that she is actually gifted and others can’t do it if they put in the same amount of work.

Her school does a lot to try to admit girls into her program, and my wife helped teach her advanced college level math and physics from an earlier age, she didn’t naturally pick it up on her own. If anything being a younger applicant with the same credentials probably helped her stand out more for the admissions committee.

I have seen how people can ruin their lives over thinking they are ‘gifted’ and it going to their head so I just wanted to caution her about that.
Both my wife and daughter are upset at me now, my wife thinks I was trying to put her down which is not true and says she is gifted, while my daughter actually agrees with me but says I should not have said it as she already knows.

AITA here? It might not come across in the post but I am genuinely proud and happy for my kids and beyond what I described here, there was a lot of complimenting and celebration on my part.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

fabulousautie −  YTA putting your daughter down served no positive purpose. Discouraging a young teen like that can have serious detrimental effects. Even if she isn’t actually gifted, you were the a**hole. That being said, she is gifted.

Not every 15 year old can go to a university to study physics. Not only is she gifted academically, she is gifted with drive and determination. Not everyone has that. And you tried to put her down.

SadCoderDreams −  Can you clarify something for me. Did you wife say you were lucky that to have gifted children. Then you decided to call out your daughter as not actually gifted but say nothing about your son not being gifted? Because, it reads as very sexist.

Also being in a gifted program at school requires an iq test, which she would have to score high enough on to be considered gifted. If she did she is gifted. You can warn her about the attitude that she shouldn’t adopted with such a label but she is gifted. YTA.

Corporate-Bitch −  Hell yes, YTA. Unless your daughter specifically asked for you to say whether or not you considered her gifted, you should’ve just kept your opinion to yourself. I’m not sure what you thought sharing this secret truth would accomplish other than damaging your daughter’s confidence and self esteem.

jrm1102 −  YTA – there was really no need to say this other than to s**t on your daughter’s accomplishments

shuckyducked −  For starters, you should probably clarify if you have the same sentiment for your son as you do with your daughter because this post is coming across as misogynistic. Secondly, grit is a gift and arguably a better factor towards success than just being a natural prodigy.

It sounds like your daughter is a mentally grounded high achiever. Please trust her confidence or else she’ll eventually think that she’s never good enough for you. YTA.

Capable_Ad_976 −  YTA for this: **Her school does a lot to try to admit girls into her program, and my wife helped teach her advanced college level math and physics from an earlier age, she didn’t naturally pick it up on her own.**

none of these “reasons” prove she is not gifted. You completely marginalized her accomplishments because you didn’t want her to believe she was gifted because you’ve seen how “people” can ruin their lives?. what?

what you said is indefensible- you created a straw man argument to justify undermining your daughters confidence because you appear to be playing a zero sum game. Your son is very smart and a nerd. But your daughter is not gifted even if she’s two years younger and heading into STEM program….. ​. Make it make sense.

reesemarionette −  YTA. Proof you can be super smart but not Smart in the things that matter, in your case, your relationship with your child. Oooof, that was a tough read. All we had to read was the title, the more elaborating you did I was like “oh it just gets worse and worse.”

PopulationMe −  Your daughter is attending college at an earlier age and is able to comprehend college level entrance exams. And she is in a school for gifted kids (they are tested). To me, that is gifted. YTA. Maybe you have an extreme definition of what gifted is.

Ok-Profession-9372 −  YTA. She sure sounds gifted to me. Going to university at 15? Hard working and high achieving. And, oh, she was in a program for “gifted students.” It’s right there in the title. What could putting her down possibly accomplish?

neverthelessidissent −  YTA. Why downgrade your daughter’s intelligence? She’s been identified as gifted, by people qualified to evaluate these things.
Did you also say that your son was just a hard worker and not gifted, or just s**t on the girl?

Was the father right to offer this perspective as a caution, or should he have just celebrated his daughter’s accomplishments without adding the comment? What do you think about balancing praise with honesty in parenting? Share your thoughts below.