AITA for telling my dad’s fiancée I am not interested in being her son or accepting her as my mom?

A Reddit user shared their feelings about their dad’s fiancée, Kate, who has been trying to establish a mother-son bond with them after their father’s engagement. The user’s mother passed away six years ago, and they’re not ready to accept Kate as a replacement.

After multiple attempts by Kate to bond, including celebrating Mother’s Day together and asking the user to give her away at the wedding, the user refused.

The user expressed that they were not interested in considering Kate as a mother or accepting her kids as siblings, causing tension with both Kate and their dad. Now, they are questioning if they were wrong for their stance. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for telling my dad’s fiancée I am not interested in being her son or accepting her as my mom?’

My mom died 6 years ago. I’m 16 now and for the past two years my dad has been dating Kate. Kate’s a widow who has 2 kids with her husband and both her kids are under 5. My dad and Kate got engaged at the start of the year. Kate’s kids started calling my dad dad around that time.

I think because that’s when we all moved in together. Since then Kate has tried to bond with me and to build up that mother-son relationship to go with dad’s father-kid relationship with her kids. I tried being nice about it while also not saying yes to most of the stuff she has asked me to do with her.

Mother’s Day was the first real fight we had. My dad and Kate wanted us to celebrate the day as a “family” and I chose not to celebrate with them, because Kate isn’t my mom and she’s not the person I would want to be with on that day and I said that.

Kate told me she could be, and she was willing to try super hard to be a good mom to me. When I didn’t give in she told me these are special memories for the whole family and we need to blend as a family unit.

Dad was trying to claim I’m a big brother now or would be once they were married and I should want to make a family unit that’s close, loving and supportive for Kate’s kids. When I said I didn’t feel obligated to we fought.

The fight didn’t make Kate stop but in the past month she’s been more upset because on top of everything I refused to give her away at the wedding. She said she wanted her kids to do it and she has her kids actually walking with her but since I’m older and old enough to technically do it in a more official way she was hoping I would.

I told her I wasn’t going to do that and I would be super uncomfortable in that role. After that Kate pulled me aside when my dad and her kids weren’t home and asked me why I was being so difficult through this and I told her it’s because I’m not interested in being her son or accepting her as my mom.

I told her she’s Kate. Just Kate. Her kids are just Kate’s kids or my dad’s almost stepkids. I told her I don’t want to be her son/their brother and I’m not going to try and be that when I just don’t want to. I said it’s fine being friendly but they will never be the nuclear family to me that they want to be with each other.

My dad tried talking to me when Kate told him about our talk but we ended up arguing. Kate and my dad did mention that I was being unfair in not even trying the nuclear family thing to make it work and they said being 16 doesn’t mean I couldn’t open my heart to another mom and two siblings.. AITA?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Janisseho −  NTA. Of course no. Your dad and stepmom shouldn’t be trying to force you to be a son/brother. All you have to be is respectful to them. I really hope they can understand and respect you

Dizzy_Signature_2145 −  Did you make it clear to her that just because your mom is no longer here, she is still your mom. Always will be. No one should try to upsurp that title. Can you offer to be friends?

Amazing-Wave4704 −  Kate should have focused just on being a friend. She could have been successful at that! She and your dad aren’t respecting you or your boundaries. And she is doing a disservice to her own kids as well. Again you could have seen them as friends.

BKowalewski −  When will people realise that trying to force affection and commitment always always backfires. It simply doesn’t work

Haunting_Green_1786 −  NTA – Do concentrate on studies to get full scholarship to out of state university.
It’s good that you maintain friendly politeness whilst planning best exit away from Kate as well as being forced to participate in bonding sessions.

[Reddit User] −  Nta. You don’t have to do anything you are uncomfortable with. You are respecting your mom.

Unhappy_Wedding_8457 −  NTA, the difference between you and Kates children is your age. You are nearly a grownup and have other needs than Kates children. You’re also more aware of the loss of your mother. Your dad and Kate need to understand that.

As I read your text, you talk respectfully about Kate and also respect their relationsship. So in my opinion you’re doing all you can.
Kate, on the other hand, are used to younger children and not used to a nearly grownup like you. She is also trying hard to be the good mother/stepmother.

And I hope you see that. She (and your dad) needs to understand that they risk destroying your relationship if they push to hard. Maybe you should show them your text and the answers

sailorelf −  NTA. As a widow myself I think Kate is being inappropriate. It’s probably because her kids are very young and have no memories of their father so your dad is an easy replacement to fill that role.

But she doesn’t appreciate that you remember your mom and her loss on you and nobody is going to replace that role and you have your own life and feelings about it. If someone did that to my teen kids they would be the one to tell them to pound sand.

BigBlueHood −  NTA. She is not your mom, these children are not your siblings. You might grow to like them in the future or not, would not be an a**hole either way as long as you act cordial.

She could become something like an aunt if she made an effort in just being nice and respectful to you instead of pushing her agenda. She still can if she stops forcing you into acting like someone you are not, and you both just maintain calm positive relationship.

Crimsonwolf_83 −  You’re way too old for her to be trying to insert herself as a mom figure. NTA

Do you think the user was justified in not wanting to accept Kate as a mother figure or should they have made more of an effort for the sake of family unity? How would you handle a similar situation if you were in the user’s position or Kate’s? Share your thoughts below!