AITA for telling my dad he’s not allowed to give his speech at my wedding?
In the midst of planning a once-in-a-lifetime celebration, wedding stress can sometimes come from unexpected corners—especially family drama. Imagine preparing for the happiest day of your life only to face a looming conflict over a speech that digs too deep into past wounds. Our storyteller, in her twenties and excitedly anticipating her big day, found herself entangled in a bitter tug-of-war with her father. His impromptu decision to recite a speech that glorified his current wife—and downplayed the memory of her late mother—became a flashpoint in an already sensitive situation.
With her heart set on celebrating a day dedicated solely to her and her fiancée, she drew a firm line in the sand. Determined not to let her wedding morph into a platform for unresolved family grievances, she insisted that her father must forgo any speech that could potentially reopen old emotional scars. The stage was set for a showdown that was as much about personal boundaries as it was about honoring the past.
‘AITA for telling my dad he’s not allowed to give his speech at my wedding?’
My fiancée and I (both 20s) are getting married in a month and there’s a dispute with my dad now and he claims I’m being unfair, but I wanted to get some thoughts on it. So dad decided he was going to give a speech at the wedding without saying anything first. He had shared the contents of said speech with his sister, my aunt, and she knew the speech would not sit well with me and mentioned his plan to me.
So in this speech he already wrote he talks a lot about how his wife is the love of his life, how amazing she is, etc. It’s very similar to the speech he gave at their vow renewal 10 years ago. He hasn’t shied away from expressing in front of me and to me that he never loved anyone like he loved his wife, how all his past relationships pale in comparison. And that includes my mom who was his first wife, who left him widowered with an 8 year old son at the time.
To make it even more difficult to hear. The vow renewal was held on my 18th birthday and I got to celebrate my birthday by hearing dad talk about how mom meant nothing because his second wife was so much better. They were married 8 years at the time. But a lot of family and friends didn’t attend their actual wedding and they decided they’d basically have a second one to celebrate and they decided my birthday was the perfect time to do this.
Anyway, the speech he wrote for my wedding had a lot of this content from what my aunt heard from my dad and read herself. She knew on my wedding day the last thing I needed to hear was how much he adores his wife when he does so in a way that basically said my mom meant nothing to him. I told him I knew about the speech and he didn’t have permission to give the speech at my wedding.
Dad asked why not and I told him I didn’t want him to use my wedding to praise his wife. He said she means the world to us so why would I say that. I told him she means the world to him. But she pales in comparison to my mom who meant the world to me and still does. I told him he might have decided mom meant nothing but that didn’t mean I shared his feelings.
He accused me of being sensitive and then said it seemed like I didn’t care about his wife at all, and then he said she was a good mom to me for the 8 years she raised me. I told him she was never anything more than his wife. My mom died when I was 8 and I didn’t get a new one. And the last thing I need to hear is how little she meant on my wedding day. Dad told me to be reasonable and the parents of the bride and groom typically say something.
I told him nothing he had to say had a place at my wedding. That this is mine and my fiancée’s wedding, not his. I told him to get married again if all he wants to do is praise his wife. But it was not happening at mine. He told me to stop acting like a little boy and grow up. I left. Then his wife called crying about the fight dad and I had. Which led to dad calling me again and telling me to grow up again.. AITA?
Letting family members speak at weddings is often seen as a cherished tradition. However, when those speeches reopen painful chapters or disrupt the couple’s vision, boundaries become essential. In this case, the storyteller is grappling with conflicting loyalties and lingering emotional wounds. The father’s planned speech, heavily laced with adoration for his current wife and dismissive of his late first wife, risks overshadowing the couple’s celebration. This highlights a broader issue of unresolved grief and the dangers of projecting personal narratives onto a day meant to honor new beginnings.
The financial and emotional scars of past losses sometimes make it challenging to separate personal history from the present. A family therapist explains, “Boundaries in family relationships are essential to maintain personal well-being,” emphasizing that a wedding should be about the couple’s union, not rehashing old grievances. In this light, the storyteller’s insistence on a speech-free approach isn’t merely a personal whim—it’s a measured response to protect her emotional well-being. It also underscores the need for respectful communication in sensitive family dynamics.
Moving beyond personal emotions, this situation touches on a recurring social issue: the difficulty of balancing family loyalty with individual identity. When a parent’s narrative dominates a celebration, it can feel like a subtle yet profound dismissal of the child’s own history and values. The insistence on curating one’s own wedding program reflects a broader societal trend toward reclaiming personal narratives. As many experts note, a celebration that respects individual boundaries can pave the way for healthier relationships moving forward.
In support of this, Dr. Susan Johnson, a family therapist with the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, advises, “Weddings are not the stage for unresolved family conflicts. They should serve as a fresh start where every participant respects the couple’s boundaries.” Dr. Johnson’s insight reminds us that while family traditions are valuable, they must be adapted to honor the emotional needs of everyone involved. The storyteller’s stand is a call for maturity and respect—a challenge for her father to recognize that his personal narrative does not have to overshadow the couple’s moment.
Finally, the advice extends beyond just this scenario. For anyone facing similar family conflicts during major life events, transparent conversations and pre-planned boundaries can prevent a single moment from souring an otherwise joyous occasion. In this case, the storyteller’s clear expectations pave the way for a celebration that remains focused on love and new beginnings, rather than being a battleground for old issues.
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
Most commenters agreed with OP’s decision, emphasizing that the wedding was about the couple and that OP’s father should not turn the day into a celebration of himself or his wife. Many felt that the father’s speech, which focused on praising the woman who replaced OP’s mother, was inappropriate and disrespectful to OP’s past. Members also suggested that OP should set clear boundaries with her father, perhaps by asking the moderator (DJ) to cut off the speech if her father tried to speak.
They emphasized that if her father did not comply, OP had every right to refuse to speak at the wedding. Some also criticized her father’s arrogant and unsympathetic attitude, and suggested that OP could consider taking more drastic measures, such as not inviting her father and his wife to the party, if necessary. Overall, the community believes that OP is not a troublemaker but is just defending her rights on an important occasion, and everyone agrees that the wedding should focus on the couple instead of unrelated family conflicts.
sejgalloway − I’d talk to his wife and explain the situation. I’d be mortified if I was her, and tell him to not mention me at all. But if she’s narcissistic (which would account for the dad’s irrational need to praise her \[edit: also why there is no mention of your mother, and why they keep stealing the attention from *your* celebration days\]) she’ll think you have the problem. And if that’s the case then you’re right to enforce no speech. NTA.
gordonf23 − NTA. It’s YOUR wedding. Your father is the one being insensitive here and “acting like a little boy.” Even if he had good intentions when he wrote the speech, your talk with him should have made it very clear that it would be inappropriate to say those things at YOUR wedding. He needs to swallow his pride and accept that on YOUR wedding day, everything should be focused on elevating YOU and your fiance, not his wife, and certainly not on downplaying the importance of YOUR mother.
anitarielleliphe − Absolutely stand your ground. Your dad is displaying a level of self-importance and lack of empathy that he might consider seeking help about. To make two events that are to be focused on you (your birthday and wedding) about him and his wife is really just appalling. Thank God you found out about his intentions.
However, I have a gut instinct that he will attempt to give his speech anyway, thinking that if he were to stand up in a crowd that nobody would stop him. This is what you must do. Have the DJ setup before speeches . . . before the dinner . . . and at the ready for the entirety of the time that people will be seated. Have a third trusted person that is NOT a speech-giver also ready.
If your dad stands up as if to speak, the DJ can start playing music over him and the 3rd person (probably a man) can go to him and say that he is needed at the front. And then, have your aunt or whomever waiting to tell him to stop. In other words, when he attempts to a**ush with his speech, someone else or a group of people need to be ready with their own a**ush to derail what he wants to do.
And finally, it might not be a bad idea to print out or direct your father to what I imagine will be 100% of the people responding that think your father is displaying horrid behavior in which he may actually need to see a therapist to get to the root cause of why everything has to be about him and his wife. It is odd, concerning, and not the type of behavior expected of a healthy person who is the parent in the situation and should be thinking of their child.
SusanfromMA − NTA – But you know he is going to try to give this speech anyways. Let your DJ or whomever is running the show at the reception that they are NOT to stop to allow him to give any speech. Put your foot down with daddy and let him know that if he does usurp your reception to fawn all over this woman that you are going full no contact and he can gth. Don’t let anyone give a speech at the reception – it will open the door. Just a quick toast then let the party begin.
Antelope_31 − You are NTA 100%. Your dad is behaving like a narcissist. It’s all about him, apparently as usual. Him calling you sensitive is a giant red flag and typical of someone who thinks only his feelings matter. I would have people ready to escort him out in real time if you still even want to include him. I’m so sorry this is the one parent you have left.
At some point you should read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, it will help you going forward see a lot of his likely behavior for what it is, as well as identify any unhealthy habits you may have learned but don’t want to bring into your adult /healthy relationships. I’m sorry your mom passed, if I were you I’d reserve a seat with her photo /flower on it to honor her memory at your wedding and reception. Front and center. And have the officiant include her in their remarks. Congratulations!
Tarik861 − NTA – your answer is simple. “Dad, I am getting married. My mom died 8 years ago. It’s fine that your wife means the world to you, but she does not to me, she was never a “replacement mom” and I am not going to listen to you demean my mom on my wedding day. I do not trust you to stick to a speech that doesn’t do this, so here is how this is going to go down.
You are not making a speech. You are not giving a toast. If you try to do so, I will have you removed from the wedding. If you try to bring this up again, or get others involved, I will rescind you and your wife’s invitation to the wedding entirely. This is not open to negotiation, and we will not discuss it again. If you can’t abide by this, I understand that you will have chosen not to attend my wedding.”
Then do it. If you are mature enough to get married, you are mature enough to set boundaries with your parents and enforce them. (Oh, and make sure that whomever is running the microphones knows NOT to turn it on for your dad, so you can have a bit of time for someone to get to him if he tries to speak.) If dad is partially funding the wedding, this may be a good time to give that money back to eliminate the strings and control he perceives he has.
Capelily − **NTA** He told me to stop acting like a little boy and grow up. This is a projection. Your wedding is about you and your fiancee, *not* your step-mother. And don’t get me started on his bad-mouthing your deceased mother! Sadly, if he doesn’t respect your boundaries and wishes, I would dis-invite him to your wedding. Your father has no right to make *your wedding* all about him (and his wife). Sheesh, the nerve of some people…
RandomSupDevGuy − NTA, without knowing the history of this relationship I would debate whether he should be allowed there. He obviously is very inclined to make the speech and seemingly does not respect about your opinions on it otherwise he would not have been so insensitive on your birthday or trying a similar thing on your wedding day. Either way, you know what the speech he wants to give and you don’t want that at the wedding, so no speech.
FilteredRiddle − NTA. Your wedding day isn’t the appropriate place for him to wax poetic about how great his wife is. When parents of the groom/bride give speeches, they’re supposed to be about their child and their soon-to-be child-in-law. If he wants to waste that opportunity to talk about himself and his wife instead, then you’re 100% entitled to remove the opportunity altogether. (You’d be entitled to do so anyway, seeing how it’s **your** wedding.)
Heeler_Haven − NTA. Just out of curiosity, and it doesn’t change my view/judgment of you in the slightest, did they also get married on your 10th birthday? Just trying to figure out how long they have been trying to erase your milestones for… I had 2 stepmothers, and they are both good people who would be horrified by this scenario. And my stepfather and I still talk (positively) about his first wife who he lost to cancer at a very young age.
He never had kids with his first wife, was an amazing stepdad to us, and Dad to my half brother, his child with my mother. Your father and stepmother are cruel beyond understanding… The Evil Stepmother trope in Fairytales was meant as a warning, not a goal to aim for… If they come to your wedding, make sure the DJ knows to cut the 🎤 if your father gets his hands on it, or play something to drown him out if he tries to go acoustic…
I am so sorry that your father has seen fit to disrespect you and your mother so much, and if you make reference during your own speech to “My Mother, the first love of my life, who showed me who to strive to become when I grew up” I’m sure nobody will blame you (except Evil Stepmother, and her flying monkey, aka your father…) Wishing you a drama-free wedding and a joyous marriage.
In the end, the decision to bar a speech that revisits painful pasts is a stand for personal healing and the integrity of one’s celebration. While family traditions hold deep meaning, the storyteller’s firm boundaries remind us that some moments must remain sacred to the couple. Her experience raises an important question: How do you balance respect for family history with the need to carve out your own identity? What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Share your thoughts and join the conversation on setting boundaries when emotions run deep.