AITA for telling my cousin’s fiance she shouldn’t get married?

A Reddit user shares how her cousin’s recent engagement to his high school girlfriend made her concerned enough to have a heart-to-heart with the fiancée. Despite the family’s excitement, the OP couldn’t shake the feeling that 18 is too young for such a serious commitment, and she also worries the fiancée might struggle to meet family expectations.

However, her conversation led to backlash from her family, with accusations of “interfering” in the relationship. Now she wonders if she overstepped. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for telling my cousin’s fiance she shouldn’t get married?’

I (24f) have a very big family. I’ve been living in the .U.S for about a year now to be closer to my mum’s side of the family. Most of my mum’s side are all very religious. A week ago I was at my cousin Mike’s (18m) birthday party. It was going good until the end when Mike was unwrapping gifts.

At the end he pulled out a ring and proposed to his gf Jane (18f) of one year. Everyone was over the moon but the whole time I was just thinking about how Mike and Jane just graduated from high school. I told Mike’s brother John (28m) about my concerns and he said it’s always better to get married young.

I feel like I’m in a Twilight Zone episode because everyone is saying how excited they are and not one person in my family of 70+ people has expressed the same concerns as me. In the country that I’m from (Ireland) I knew a lot of couples who got married young and they all ended up divorcing.

Jane also has some undiagnosed mental condition. I’m not sure what but she definitely has something up with her. For example, at a birthday party a couple weeks ago Jane grabbed a stump and then started running around yelling “I STOLE A STUMP I STOLE A STUMP”.

She is very c**ngy somedays and the next is completely normal. I feel bad saying that because she is a very sweet girl but I’m worried for her because I know my family will probably have high expectations for her that I know she won’t live up to. I came up to her at a party yesterday and had a heart to heart.

I told her that my family is probably going to expect her to have kids and if that’s something she wants while she’s so young. I explained to her about how this decision will affect her and she thanked me. She said she’s going to rethink wether or not she wants to get married. I was honestly really proud of her for actually telling me how she felt.

I got a call this morning from my aunt Clara (50f) who is Jake’s mom, about how I need to stop sticking my nose in places it doesn’t belong and how I just destroyed a relationship. i was confused because Jane and Mike didn’t break up?

She and my other relatives have been messaging me telling me that I’m irresponsible for planting ideas into Jane’s head and how I need to mind my own business. I’m wondering if I crossed the line by talking with Jane so AITA?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

allthoughtofvalor −  NTA. You haven’t destroyed anything and 18 is both too young to get married and the perfect starting point for thinking through what you want in life and in any potentially lifelong relationships. Tell your family to shut up and chill. This is neither her nor your cousin’s last chance at happiness.

SheepPup −  NTA. If saying “these are the realities of getting married young, you should seriously consider if that is what you want” is “destroying” something then *it was always meant to be destroyed*. Good on you for helping a young person stop and *think* about the realities of their life and future instead of making a serious commitment while swept up in some kind of Disney princess la la land wedding fantasy.

Craicpot7 −  NTA. There’s a reason why so many people in Ireland these days don’t get married until they’re in their late 20s/early 30s and it’s probably because we all had to watch the previous generations who got married far too young have to live with the consequences of that.

In the US neither of them will be old enough to have a glass of champagne at their own wedding. Is it possible that your aunt wants to get your cousin tied down early because she thinks he won’t do any better or something? And they didn’t break up, so what’s the problem exactly?

If she’s vulnerable as you say I’d be worried about her getting manipulated into staying in an unhappy situation and if they married it would be much harder to get out. I think you did the right thing.

Bubbly_Page4849 −  Where I come from a contrarian is the person who questions whatever the rest agree with just to make sure people think things through and explore every option. You have their best interests at heart. Very few times does waiting a while give a bad result. A clear head is good when everyone else is caught up in emotions.

BobbyPinBabe −  She stole a stump?

NinjaHidingintheOpen −  NTA. If one conversation changes her mind she wasn’t set on it in the first place. What idiots think it’s a good idea for 18 year olds to marry?

Global_Look2821 −  NTA. You found your family has a branch of religious conservatives that promote early marriages and lots of kids. I have a branch of that in my family too. In my family the kids aren’t educated, boys are taught a skill, girls get married and have kids. The skill learned in my branch is carpentry.

But there is no formal education whatsoever. It’s pretty bad. And there is nothing anyone can do about it. I’m sorry. You were very kind and compassionate offering that girl a different perspective. You may have been the first person she’s ever met who did. Hopefully it planted a seed that will grow.

I can’t offer you much hope for the RCs in your family. If they’re anything like mine they’re too smug in their “rightness” to pay attention to anything at all that might threaten to dent or mar that belief in themselves. You did what you could.

There’s a good chance you’ll be on the outs w your RC family- actually reverse that. They hold grudges big time. I hope the rest of your time here (I’m in the US too forgot to say) is good tho. And hey- maybe your RCs will be against the grain-ers- and actually come around. I hope they do.

syboor −  It sounds like your cousin proposed before ever having a conversation about if and when to have kids (and what to achieve in life before doing so), you encouraged Jane to have that conversation, and as a result the couple discovered irreconcilable differences and broke up. NTA.

CyclopsReader −  NTA. 18! At 24 you know what’s up…they may have a wonderful relationship, but a lasting one, thats dicy. I would have had the same talk to anyone that feels getting married at 18 is ok!

Anxious_Reporter_601 −  NTA you might have saved that girl from making a huge life altering mistake.

Do you think the user was right to have an honest talk with her cousin’s fiancée, or should she have respected the family’s enthusiasm and kept her concerns to herself? How would you handle the situation if you were in her place? Share your thoughts below!