AITA for telling my child’s step-mother to grow up and stop asking a teenager for support?

A family conflict exploded into a heated debate over responsibilities when a stepmother asked a teenager to become a regular babysitter. The post centers on a 39-year-old mom who is determined to protect her 14-year-old daughter’s right to a normal adolescence.

With her daughter already juggling extracurricular activities and the challenges of ADHD, the mom firmly refused to let the stepmother offload additional childcare duties on her daughter, who was expected to care for four young children. This decision, made after repeated requests, was met with harsh backlash from the stepmother and her partner, leaving the family in turmoil.

In a candid moment of frustration, the mom told the stepmother to “grow up” and criticized her for expecting a teenager to shoulder adult responsibilities. This incident raises serious questions about the boundaries between parental duties and child responsibilities within blended families.

‘AITA for telling my child’s step-mother to grow up and stop asking a teenager for support?’

I (39F) have two children, Kimmy, (14F) and (9M) and share custody with their father, Dave. Kimmy is starting high school soon and her school sent a list of their extracurriculars. I want my children to be academically inclined and join clubs to meet people. I told Kimmy to pick some clubs, and as of right now she picked out 10 (which we are definitely going to shorten down).

Kimmy sent a list of clubs to her father so he could help her. He didn’t respond and instead, I got a call from Dave’s wife, Amy, a little later. Amy asked me if Kimmy was really going to join all of those clubs, and I said not all but probably some of them. Amy followed by asking if Kimmy could only join one of the clubs on her list, which confused me. I asked why.

Amy explained that she has to go to work soon, and she really needs someone to take care of her kids. She was hoping that Kimmy would be able to go to their house straight after school and take care of them. Amy has 3 kids under 13, and recently had a baby with Dave. Kimmy has ADHD which makes it hard for her to care for her own needs.

I already feel extremely uncomfortable leaving her with 4 kids that young unattended. Amy didn’t even mention transportation and how Kimmy would get there. I told her no. This upset Amy. She told me that Kimmy is a part of her family too, and as a family they all need to chip in and according to her, Kimmy should chip in by babysitting.

She ranted on, giving me a sob story as to how she was struggling already with Dave working, how hard it was to be mom to 4 kids who depend on her so much, and how expensive childcare was nowadays. I told her no, and why I was uncomfortable, to which she just reiterated her story (this happened twice). By this time, I said no 3 times and she was still asking. I thought it was clear that no meant no, not no and ask again later.

I interrupted her and told her no is my final answer and she’s honestly pathetic to ask a 14-year-old for support and it sounds she needs to grow up instead of relying on children to pick up her slack. As you would expect, Amy and Dave are upset at me, which I don’t really mind. My only issue is that when I told my sister, she thought I was being cruel which is making me rethink things. AITA?

Child psychologist Dr. Laura Markham explains that expecting teenagers to take on adult caregiving roles—especially on a regular basis—can be detrimental to their emotional and developmental well-being.

In this case, Amy’s insistence that 14-year-old Kimmy, who already faces challenges with ADHD, serve as a babysitter for four much younger children is a clear example of parentification. Dr. Markham states, “When children are placed in roles that far exceed their maturity, it can lead to long-term stress and hinder their ability to develop a healthy sense of independence.”

Here, rather than allowing Kimmy the space to grow and engage in activities suited to her age, the stepmother’s expectations risk burdening her with responsibilities that should fall to adults. This situation underscores the importance for both biological and step-parents to establish clear boundaries, ensuring that children are not forced to compensate for gaps in adult responsibilities.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Many redditors unanimously agreed that expecting a 14-year-old to babysit four younger children is completely unreasonable. Commenters condemned the stepmother’s outdated mindset, noting that it’s not the teenager’s job to fill in for adult responsibilities. The community praised the mom for standing up for her daughter and emphasized that a child’s well-being should never be sacrificed to cover gaps in childcare. The consensus is clear: it’s time for adults to take responsibility for their own decisions rather than relying on a child to manage their burdens.

CrewelSummer −  She ranted on, giving me a sob story as to how she was struggling already with Dave working, how hard it was to be mom to 4 kids who depend on her so much, and how expensive childcare was nowadays. Dang, too bad she just thought of these things right now when she learned the step-kid wasn’t built in free childcare.

Maybe if she hadn’t assumed that a literal child would function as a free nanny for her, she would have thought of all this over a year ago and realized that it would be a very bad decision to have another kid when things are already so difficult with the 3 she has. NTA. Amy does need to grow up and start making better long-term decisions so that she doesn’t create situations for herself that she can’t manage.

She’s failing to do that currently because she’s *assuming* that someone else will bail her out of her bad decisions so the consequences will be mitigated and she can do what she wants. That’s bad, but it’s even worse because she assumes that *children* will compensate for her bad *adult* decisions, which would be harmful to the children. Hold the line, and make Amy figure out how to clean up her own mess.

If Kimmy steps in as daily childcare, I think there’s a pretty good chance Amy gets pregnant again. Babies are so cute and fun when you get to hand them off to someone! But if Amy has to find her own solutions, I think there’s a much better chance that Amy decides she’s done after 4 because she’s exceeded her limit.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. The fact that she wouldn’t take no for an answer shows that they had already presumed Kimmy would be their primary child carer before she was even asked. I also noticed no mention of pay- is that due to FaMiLy too? ..Not Kimmy’s shitshow or responsibility- good for you for sticking up for your daughter.

MiskiMoon −  NTA. Speak with Dave and make it very VERY clear that your kid won’t be babysitting and helping unnecessarily. I don’t care if the Stepmom needs help, it’s not on the kid to help. You need to keep a close eye on her, she assumed she would have a built in babysitter, she will try and force your daughter to help when she goes over.

11SkiHill −  Go back to court and make the judge aware the step parent is trying to force your 14 year old to do unpaid labor.  Tell husband NO. Your 14 year old cannot take the responsibility of her stepmother’s kids. Hard NO. Tell him you are going to court over it.

Kukka63 −  NTA, it’s absolutely outrageous that they expect a 14 year old to take care of 4 children, what a ridiculous idea. Kimmy is a young person who deserves to enjoy her life, attend clubs and other activities. Step-mum should have not had yet another child if she (and her partner) cannot manage.

Far_Quantity_6133 −  NTA. Good for you for standing up for your daughter and her life. When 14 year olds are forced to babysit all day instead of pursue their interests and be a KID, it becomes parentification. It’s one thing to ask her to babysit every once in a while, but you know that Amy was trying to make Kimmy her permanent help. That’s insanely unfair, and if she didn’t think she would be able to handle 3 kids under 13, she shouldn’t have had that many. Let the courts know what she’s doing if she persists.

ReviewOk929 −  she really needs someone to take care of her kids. NTA – Dear god some people are f**king outrageous. It’s not Kimmy’s responsibility to look after anyone’s kids. The other kids are their responsibility no one else’s and certainly not a 14 y/o kids.

OkButterscotch3382 −  If having so many kids is hard…then stop having kids… Amy’s lack of forethought when having kids should not create a responsibility for Kimmy.. Let Kimmy do what she wants. NTA.

PantsPantsShorts −  But your sister DOESN’T think it’s cruel to saddle a 14-year-old with a huge, stressful, ongoing responsibility that interferes with her ability to grow her own interests? Yeah, NTA. If your sister feels so strongly about Amy’s wellbeing, she can take on childcare duties rather than volunteering her niece for the job.

GothPenguin −  NTA-If your daughter volunteered to babysit that would be something else entirely or if it was an emergency and happened once in a great blue moon that would be one thing. Her stepmother should not be deciding for her that she will be a built in babysitter.

In conclusion, this situation highlights the critical need to set firm boundaries when it comes to child responsibilities in blended family environments. While it’s understandable that childcare can be challenging, expecting a teenager to compensate for adult shortcomings is not the answer. The mom’s refusal to let her daughter become a permanent caregiver is a stand for her child’s right to a normal, carefree adolescence.

What are your thoughts on balancing family support with protecting a child’s childhood? Have you ever witnessed or experienced similar conflicts? Share your opinions and join the discussion!