AITA for talking to my bio dad and not man who raised me?

A Redditor wrestles with the decision to reconnect with her biological father, who was mostly absent in her childhood but has since made a sincere effort to be involved in her kids’ lives.

She wonders if she’s betraying her step-dad—the man who raised her—by allowing her bio dad to take on a “grandpa” role, especially given her step-dad’s growing distance.

Despite her step-dad’s absence, she feels conflicted about how his family might react to her newfound connection with her bio dad. Read her story below to see how she’s navigating these complex family dynamics.

‘ AITA for talking to my bio dad and not man who raised me?’

Long story short, my biological father wasn’t involved in much of my life growing up. Approximately two weeks a year in the summer. We had a lot of issues and I quit speaking to him around 10 or 11. My mother remarried when I was young and had my sibling.

The guy she married is who I grew up calling dad. He was a good dad. Then he cheated on my mom and they divorced. I was mad, but we had a decent relationship until 6 ish years ago. Now, I am in my 30’s with kids of my own. My step-dad is so distant and has been since he was remarried.

He never attempts to see my kids even though we live in the same small town. No calls, no texts. I invite him and his wife, along with my kids other grandparents, to every single thing my kids do. He hasn’t been to a single birthday of my kids in the last 7 years.

He doesn’t come to recitals, games, school events. He DID surprise me by showing up to grandparents day one time. I text him pics of the kids, updates, etc and he doesn’t reply. But he is tech savvy so it’s not because he doesn’t know how. My youngest child didn’t even know who he was in photos, either.

He also had been distant with my sibling as well. Cue my bio dad. In my early 30’s I gave him a chance to be a grandpa to my kids. He wasn’t a good dad to me, but I can tell he has changed and wanted them to have a chance to know him and his family.

He has not disappointed one time. He lives across the country and has seen my kids more than the man that raised me. He calls to check on them, knows their hobbies, tells them funny stories over the phone, and even will FaceTime them to read them stories.

I genuinely don’t hate talking to him. It’s been really nice. Here’s where I think I’m the a**hole. I feel like I’m betraying my step-dad by allowing my bio dad to have an active role in mine and my kids lives. It seems very ass hole like to almost kick my SD to the curb.

I also worry his parents are going to think less of me when they find out I’m talking to my BD again. It just seems like a slap in the face to the one that did the hard parts of parenting when he didn’t have to be. Am I the a**hole?

Should I cut ties with my bio dad? Any other suggestions? TLDR: am I the a**hole for having a relationship with my bio dad when my step dad is the one who raised me?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Aromatic-Arugula-896 −  Why do you feel guilty kicking your SD to the curb? Sounds like he already kicked you there first…. NTA

East_Parking8340 −  Well, you didn’t kick SD to the curb he bolted for it. It *could* be that he feels guilty about his behaviour and doesn’t want to face you and his actions against your mother,

but it’s more likely that he’s doing what many men (and some women) do which is to discard his previous life for his new one (with only a teeny tiny twinge of regret).. NTA

PumpkinPowerful3292 −  NTA – This part: ‘t just seems like a slap in the face to the one that did the hard parts of parenting when he didn’t have to be.’ No he didn’t do the hard part, at least not after you grew up and had your own kids. Where has he been since?

Nowhere that’s where. But on the other hand your bio Dad has done the hard part himself in changing how he was to you and that was probably a hard thing to do as well. So I would say he has stepped up with you and your kids now and is giving a rich experience for them growing up.

Kids need as many good adults in their life as possible and they are lucky to have your bio dad in their lives now. You bio dad has redeemed himself while on the other hand your step dad has now abandoned you. That is what you tell him or any other. So, no betrayal from you here, quite the opposite.

LouisV25 −  NTA. You can’t betray someone that doesn’t want to be involved. At the end of the day, you’ve tried to include him, he’s not interested. For yourself, take the years he was a good dad and hold those memories dear.

He did what he was supposed to do for you while he was married to your Mom. For you kids, go where the love is. If Dad is ready to be a granddad, let him. The kids need love and not r**ection.

For everyone else, if they criticize, tell them Step has chosen to exit you and your kid’s lives since he remarried, no matter how hard you have tried. Now it is time for your kids to experience a granddad and your dad is willing.

RoyallyOakie −  NTA…You’re a mature and forgiving person. You have given everyone a chance, and your biological father is the one who has stepped up. Don’t doubt yourself and feel no guilt.

Intelligent_Read_697 −  what changed six years ago for him to stop talking/interacting with you?

Isaaaafire −  You’re not an a**hole for wanting your kids to have a loving and involved grandparent in their lives. Relationships aren’t about who did what in the past but about who’s present now.

You’ve given your step-dad so many chances to be involved and he chose not to be. If your bio dad is stepping up and creating those memories with your kids, that’s a blessing. Don’t feel guilty for embracing that.

Accomplished_Mud1658 −  Stepdad kick himself out… What are you supposed to do? He’s just not interested. You can work any feeling of guilt in therapy but the reality is what it is.

hubertburnette −  NTA It’s pretty common for s**tty parents to be surprisingly good grandparents. It seems weird it would go the other way–I’m so sorry for you.

Odd-End-1405 −  NTA. You are NOT betraying your stepdad. It is apparent that, although he was a very good stepdad and treated you well, you WERE his step-child and thus are really no longer part of his family.

Don’t continue to put yourself and your children in a position to be hurt. He is not their grandfather since he has chosen to not really care about them. He is their uncle’s dad. You can continue to attempt to have a cordial relationship.

If he reaches out and tries to be part of your and their lives, the more the merrier. Every child can use extra grandparents, but don’t let them be hurt and disappointed by his lack of interest. You need to manage their expectations.

As for your bio dad. As you have obviously learned, people change and relationships change. If you and he are getting closer, giving your children another loving adult into their lives, embrace it.

You are NOT being disloyal, you are just strengthening and expanding your relationships. Neither of these relationships need to be exclusive and it sounds like the pendulum has just swung on whom is going to be closer to you at this stage of your lives.

Enjoy the ones that care and put in the effort to be in you and your children’s lives. Lower your expectations on those that do not appear overly invested or interested and just re-categorize them.. Good luck.

Do you think it’s fair for the Redditor to let her bio dad be a part of her children’s lives despite her loyalty to the step-dad who raised her? Should she feel guilty, or is it time for her to prioritize her kids’ relationships? Share your thoughts below!