AITA for storming out of my in-laws at a family dinner?

A Reddit user recounts a family gathering gone wrong, where a tense interaction over dessert led to her storming out, leaving her in-laws upset and sparking a feud. The user, a self-proclaimed introvert, felt compelled to stand up for her husband when her sister-in-law, who was hosting, kept pressuring them to stay longer than they wanted.

This escalated into a dramatic exit, leaving her sister-in-law furious and sparking accusations that the user was disrespectful and ungrateful.

‘ AITA for storming out of my in-laws at a family dinner?’

My husband (40M) and I (35F) went to my in-laws for a large family gathering and all was well. In 12 years of marriage, I have always been polite to his family, though we find these gatherings stressful. Both of us are the “quiet ones” in our families and often we feel forced to concede to louder personalities, which is a point of contention.

After 4 hours, we decided it was time to go. Dessert had not been served yet, but we were willing to skip it in favour of getting some down time before bed.

We went into the kitchen to let my SIL (42F), the host, know we would be leaving. She then physically cornered my husband and pointed her finger at him and said “no way, you’re staying for dessert”. To which he replied, no it’s okay, we don’t want any.

This went back and forth, escalating to my SIL actually pushing my husband in a sort of rough housing way. She seemed to think it was a joke because she was laughing the whole time. My husband was laughing too, but I recognized it as an uncomfortable laughter someone does when they don’t know how to react.

In the end, I stepped in and tried to say “no, but really, we’re going to get going” and my SIL then turned to me and (jokingly) said “if you don’t eat this dessert, I’m going to throw it at your car when you leave”.

For whatever reason, that triggered some instantaneous rage I have never felt before. I literally got blurred vision. I ended up grabbing the dessert from her hand, slammed it on the counter, and stormed out of the house while yelling at my husband to follow me.

On the drive home, my husband admitted he felt he was being pushed to make a decision he didn’t want to. He also understood my anger, but said that it was a little scary to witness and that pretty much everyone in the house noticed my reaction.

That night, my SIL texted that my behaviour was rude and I was being ungrateful for her hard work hosting, and offer of food/dessert. I apologized for how I reacted as I was not proud of it after the fact and explained it was not about the dessert itself, but the greater issue of having my boundaries pushed.

I added that I got extremely defensive of my husband because I didn’t like seeing him shutting down like that in a conflict. This last part was what my SIL seemed to fixate on. She told me I shouldn’t be my husband’s babysitter and he can fight his own battles. She then proceeded to enter a texting war with both me and my husband.

She told me I have mental problems if I’m going to freak out that much about a dessert I don’t want to eat (again, not about the dessert) and that I have no respect for the family and act like I never want to be there.

To my husband, she basically called him a child for not being able to tell her how he feels in the moment (but this anger is a typical reaction for her, so why would he?). It all escalated to the point where my SIL now wants zero contact with us and has blocked us on everything, and told the rest of the family that she doesn’t want us in her life.. AITA?

ETA: I *slammed* the dessert on the counter face up, no dessert got destroyed. I did not *smash* the dessert.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

SafeSurprise3001 −  SIL now wants zero contact with us and has blocked us on everything, and told the rest of the family that she doesn’t want us in her life. You won, you don’t have to see her anymore. Count your blessings!

ninjastarkid −  NTA. The action might’ve been a bit extreme, but the “throw it at your car” thing was bizarre. If he’s showing discomfort you are allowed to back him up. It’s not like he didn’t say “no”, he said no and the sister wasn’t listening.

You weren’t being ungrateful, you had to leave and it’s none of her business as to why. She can’t just hold you hostage until she’s done with you. If she really wanted to serve dessert she should’ve served it sooner.

She seems like she wanted a reaction out of you either way. Like if you hadn’t left sure this wouldn’t have happened but if your husband stood up for himself she would’ve made it an argument anyways.

Hennahands −  ESH, your SIL shouldn’t have done that, but your husband describes your anger as frightening. You need to to take stock. 

Ruby_Miya −  NTA. Your reaction is extreme, but it seems like a long time coming, a culmination of years of being taken advantage of by the loud family dynamic neither you nor your husband are okay with. You’ve always been polite in the past, but this was the final straw, especially with your SIL bothering your husband on a physical and verbal level.

Your SIL not validating your feelings and kind of pushing on you both both literally and figuratively wasn’t ok. And yes you’re apologizing for how you reacted, but your feelings regarding having your boundaries disrespected are absolutely valid. It shows she can’t look at her own actions and she’s using this to further alienate you both as she escalated the situation and told you have “mental problems”.

You were trying to protect your husband from being shoved into something he didn’t want-and that’s part of a good relationship. Your SIL calling him a child for not standing up to her is ironic, as it was really childish and unkind of her.

It almost seems as if this no-contact situation, though disturbing now, may in fact bring you and your husband some peace. You are not the AH for having stood up for yourself and for standing up for your husband when everyone is pressuring him.

Insomnia_and_Coffee −  It’s possible your sil has some long time pressure accumulated. It is possible your husband’s family sees feels you are not comfortable at family gatherings and might think you are asking your husband to leave earlier. Do you guys leave earlier often? Do you act as if you are there out of obligation only?

GoddessIlovebroccoli −  YTA. I understand being the “quiet ones” and feeling like your boundaries are pushed may be a difficult experience in a family of outgoing extroverts.

Your SIL is however completely in the right: if someone were to completely flip out in my house and ruin the dessert I made, seemingly (as I assume from her perspective there was absolutely no build up to the escalation) out of the blue and unprompted, I would totally state it’s rude and uncalled for and request an apology.

From your story it does not seem your boundaries and emotions were communicated or stated before the situation completely escalated. As adults you’re of course allowed to have emotions and feelings about certain situations, but if you cannot communicate these feelings effectively, you’ll be considered an A in most circles.

Upbeat_Vanilla_7285 −  YTA. We can’t control things around us but we can control our actions or reactions. That being said yours was out of line. It was light banter that happens during family get togethers!  You could have just politely put the dessert down and say “ nope we need to leave”. Your reaction was WAY out of line and you’re dooming his relationship with family if that’s how you’re going to act.

growsonwalls −  YTA. Your response was completely not proportional to the situation. You can nicely make your points rather than grab a dessert and smash it against the counter. But don’t worry about stressful dinners with the in-laws anymore. You won’t be invited back again.

Longjumping-Lake1244 −  I’m going against the grain, YTA. You should not be getting in between your husband and his family even if he is uncomfortable. Those are his relationships to manage. And, just because your SIL was acting and speaking obnoxiously gave you no right to make it physical- even your husband found your behavior scary.

ParticularTrain8235 −  YTA. You completely over reacted. She was hosting , you left in the middle of dinner, which is very rude. It sounds like it’s not the first time either? She was confronting her brother over his rude ass behaviour and you went ballistic.