AITA for ruining religious celebration?
A woman, who changed her religion for her husband, prepared a special breakfast for a religious celebration. When her husband returned from prayers, he did not thank her, explaining that in his culture, such efforts are expected from wives.
This led to an argument, with the woman feeling unappreciated and her husband accusing her of ruining the celebration by demanding gratitude. read the original story below…
‘ AITA for ruining religious celebration?’
I (36f) been married to my (42m) husband for 11 and a half years. For the context I changed my religion to be with him and he in general is a good, loving and caring husband and a father to our 4 year old son. We fight occasionally like all couples do but today I was really offended and hurt.
Since, I come from a different cutlure I usually expect guidance from my husband for the religious celebrations. I am happy to prepare food for it and celebrate it together but I always ask him to get the food, or at least tell me what he would like to have for such celebrations.
So this time was no different, in the morning he went for prayers with our son and said that we together will prep breakfast when they’re back. Out of love I wanted to make sure all is ready for when they’re back, so I prepped the food, added some extras, cleaned the tabled changed table cloth so it would look nice and presentable,
the only thing was left to do were eggs, which we prefer to do it fresh anyway. So when my husband came back he saw the table and said nothing, he went to the kitchen to start prepping eggs. I went to help him and asked if he saw the table, he said he did. So then I asked if he liked it?
He said yes, to which I said that it would be nice if he would acknowledge it as I put the effort in. He then proceeded to say that it’s understood in his culture that women on such religious celebrations would prep the table and wait for their husbands to come back and have breakfast together.
In other words, he doesn’t need to say thank you as it’s expected from the wife. It made me feel unepreciated and I didn’t let itnslide, I asked him if I don’t deserve his appreciation for doing something nice for my family?
He said thank you but don’t expect a thank you in the future as there are only 2 days of big religious celebrations in the year and according to his culture it is expected for me to prep and serve food when he’s back after prayers.
I got really mad, because why the hell should I be doing all of that and not expect a simple thank you? Should I not receive any appreciation for the extra effort I put it, making sure food is ready as I know both my son and my husband would be hungry when they got back.
He was getting really angry so we ended up having a pretty bad fight about it. In the heat of the moment said that I didn’t even had to cook much and that there were not that many dishes so why am I making such a big deal and ruining the special day for him.
I was so mad, not only he gaslighted me, belittled my effort and basically told me not to expect any appreciation in the future as it’s an expectation. To which I said that he could’ve avoided all of this by only saying: “thank you, it looks nice” and we would’ve had nice breakfast, so he ruined the day himself and not to blame me for it. Am I the a**hole? Did I ruin the day?
Here’s what Redditors had to say:
BulbasaurRanch − It always baffles me when women marry into a religious environment that views women as less and then acts offended when treated as less. This should not come a surprise to you, especially after 11 years.. ESH
SSN-683 − You have been married for 11 years and changed to his religion (I am assuming prior to marriage) and yet just now this situation comes up?. I find that hard to believe.
After 11 years the basics of his religion and culture should be clear and not a surprise to you. Did something changed recently that his attitude is now a problem when previously you let it go?
Rough-Lingonberry12 − Is this about Eid? What nonsense culture does he belong to? The only relevant Islamic tradition is that the whole family should be going for prayers in the morning.
Tell him to stuff it with his BS about culture and remind him that it’s a sahih hadith that the best of men are those who are best to their wives, and also that it’s a wife’s right to have help in the home.
It’s not an expectation to just be served food, and it’s certainly not acceptable to pretend he doesn’t need to thank you for cooking for him. If this wasn’t about Eid please ignore. You’re still NTA though btw
DrTeethPhD − ESH Your husband uses his religion to justify his misogyny. You willingly chose to convert to a religion that codifies misogyny. And you’re both raising a child in a religion that codifies and justifies misogyny.
Oddly_quirky − NTA Oh wow. This is sticky. I respect other cultures and their religious beliefs even when I don’t agree with them, but I have a very difficult time accepting the misogyny that comes along with it sometimes. It sounds like you’re having difficulty accepting it, too.
On the one hand, you knew what you were signing up for (in theory?), but on the other hand, your husband is dripping with entitlement and male superiority (from a Western perspective). IS this what you signed up for/expected as part of converting to his religion?
From my Western, feminist, anti-misogyny perspective, you’re NTA. It sounds like you’re having difficulty accepting this part of his culture. Will this relationship be sustainable long-term if you never receive recognition for your hard work? He all but said to not expect his appreciation. That’s a hard pill to swallow.
barnfodder − NTA . Your husband views you as a second class citizen, this will never change and if anything, will only get worse. It’s up to you how much misogynistic b**lshit you’re willing to put up with, but eventually, you’ll either internalise it and pass it to your children, or reach a breaking point and leave.
_ohne_dich_ − INFO: You’ve been married 11 years and it’s the first time this has happened. What changed? Was today the first time you prepped food on this specific day?
jrm1102 − NTA – this religion/culture sounds misogynistic
SnooPets8873 − This is so much b**lshit. My dad was on the phone this morning to me bragging about how nice my mom’s food was and how she’d made this amazing meal for Eid (I live too far away to attend so he likes to let me know what I missed out on lol).
When they throw parties and it’s time to take food, he’ll start the guests off while saying “wow [Mom], this looks amazing!” Your husband is just being a j**k.. NTA
throwawayid00 − It’s sad to see that people are blaming the religion when it’s clearly your husband’s issue. In that particular religion wife aren’t bound to cook. In that religion women are not bound to do cook or clean or even take care of their children.
There’s a particular story of one of the major leaders of this religion where he clearly stated that wives aren’t bound to do any of those. And it is also advised to appreciate wives for the things they do. What your husband thinks is just misinformation and lack of education. And so do people who are blaming the religion
Is it unreasonable to expect appreciation for efforts, even if cultural norms suggest otherwise? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!
