AITA for refusing to pay my sister’s wedding expenses after she called my child a “mistake”?

A Redditor shares a deeply personal conflict after deciding to withdraw financial support from their sister Clara’s wedding. This decision came after Clara made cruel comments about the Redditor’s adopted daughter, calling her a “mistake” and dismissing her as “damaged.”

The Redditor, who had been a consistent financial and emotional support for their family, wrestles with guilt but stands firm in prioritizing their daughter. Read the full story below for this heartfelt and complicated family dilemma.

‘ AITA for refusing to pay my sister’s wedding expenses after she called my child a “mistake”?’

I (F32, Deanna) am the eldest of five siblings, and I’ve taken on the role of the family caretaker for as long as I can remember. I helped our parents until their passing, and, frankly, it’s exhausting.

Dad died of brain cancer 3 years ago, and it was heartbreaking to watch him deteriorate over time, and Mom passed peacefully overnight after a long hard battle with b**ast cancer earlier this year.. F**K cancer. So as the oldest, I just sort of became the de-facto parent.

I don’t mind as I love my siblings, and its kind of my thing to “big sister” friends and family a lot. I’m sort of ship’s counselor, and I financially help out my family. I don’t mind, as I work in tech, have a side gig doing art, and inherited land and money from mom and dad- all that to say it’s no real loss.

A few years ago, I adopted my cousin’s “Charlie” M45 child who I will just use her nickname “Decker” (my baby loves kickboxing) after my cousin went to prison for murdering the Decker’s mother in an alcohol and d**g-fueled rage – which is too long a story to add here.

It was a chaotic year of mourning, paperwork and court hearings, but the adoption was finalized when the Decker was five. Now, she’s a happy, healthy 13-year-old who calls me “Mom.” She’s in therapy, and has been since I legally could send her as she witnessed her mother’s d**th, and I couldn’t be prouder of how resilient she is.

She’s my girl, my rock-star, my whole heart and I call her that – literally “My heart”. Fast forward to my sister’s, Clara (F30), upcoming wedding. I was thrilled for her at first, and she asked me to be MOH. I cried in joy and offered for my wife “Honey” (because we like The Incredible lol) F40 and I to pay for it (don’t worry I asked Honey first).

But during a bachelorette dinner I set up, she made a hurtful comment about my daughter, calling her a “mistake” and saying I “shouldn’t have taken her in.” I stared at her and asked her what she meant and she said it wasn’t like I was supposed to even have kids,

as I am married to another woman – then said “no hate or anything” and laughed but then she doubled down that Decker is likely damaged and a handful. Guys, Decker is the SWEETEST child alive.

I mean she is a teen so yeah sometimes she can get challenging or rebellious here or there, but when I say she is my WHOLE heart, I mean it. She made us a family, and made our house a home. She smiles easy, cries openly and has the emotional intelligence I WISH I had myself.

She always asks “how are you doing?” and she really means it, willing to listen to people. But she’s a “damaged” “mistake”!? I felt like a character in a dark, twisted episode of a sci-fi show—defending my choice to adopt felt like fighting the Borg, like I just wouldn’t assimilate. I didn’t laugh it off with my sister and her friends.

I just stared at her in pure disbelief. I think she knew I was hurt because she quickly changed the subject. I said I better get home, paid for everything and 3 more rounds and went home to my family. My sister came over the next day to yell at me for leaving and “cutting them off” after the 3 rounds I paid for.

She said I owe her a do-over for ruining the whole weekend because I can’t take a joke. Honey, who I of course told what happened, asked my sister to repeat exactly what she said about our daughter. My sister refused, and kept calling Decker “Charlie’s child” and I just was holding back so many tears.

I told my sister that I wouldn’t be contributing a dime to her wedding expenses – that I won’t stop helping her pay her rent up until she moves in with her husband, but I won’t be in or pay for the wedding of a person who sees my child as a mistake.

Honestly, I was ready to go full-on Jedi and sever that connection but Honey helped me temper myself. My sister lost it, threw the can of soda water we gave her at me, screamed “How am I supposed to pay for this!?” and I said, “You have over a year, you can save up.”

– so left, showving Honey out of the way in the process and blew up our sibling group chat. My other siblings are split. Some think I’m overreacting with cutting off funds for the wedding, while others agree that my sister crossed a line and needed the wake up call.

Now, I feel bad for my sister – I do love her and she is distressed by this – but I can’t shake the feeling that standing up for my daughter is more important. AITA for refusing to pay for her wedding after that?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

I_wanna_be_anemone −  If your sister couldn’t afford her own wedding, then she shouldn’t be a h**ophobic child hating monster. Decker didn’t ask to witness her mother be murdered, or for her sperm donor to be a m**der, but frankly that doesn’t seem to be the core issue.
The core issue is that your sister is h**ophobic.

She wholeheartedly believes that only the most broken unwanted irredeemable child could end up with lesbians for parents, likely seems to think that all the straight couples rejected Decker first (as if that’s how it even works).

Decker being raised by you and Honey is what’s wrong, she’s insulting you and your wife by insinuating there’s no way lesbians could raise a healthy functional child. This is an attack on your marriage and sexuality as much as it’s an attack on Decker herself.

If she hates lesbians to the point she wholeheartedly believes they shouldn’t be parents, then why would she even want your money? If she despises you for your sexuality, does she even love and respect you? If she claims bs that she loves you ‘despite’ your sexuality, call her out for being h**ophobic. NTA

EverythinIsShinyCapn −  NTA! But your sister is a piece of work – “She’s my girl, my rock-star, my whole heart and I call her that – literally “My heart”.” You love your child, she loves you right back. You will NEVER be in the wrong for protecting her from ignorant comments like that.

“My sister came over the next day to yell at me for leaving and “cutting them off” after the 3 rounds I paid for. She said I owe her a do-over for ruining the whole weekend because I can’t take a joke. Honey, who I of course told what happened, asked my sister to repeat exactly what she said about our daughter.

My sister refused, and kept calling Decker “Charlie’s child” and I just was holding back so many tears. I told my sister that I wouldn’t be contributing a dime to her wedding expenses – that I won’t stop helping her pay her rent up until she moves in with her husband, but I won’t be in or pay for the wedding of a person who sees my child as a mistake.”

So to be clear NEVER did she apologize for her awful comment!???? “screamed “How am I supposed to pay for this!?””
That’s all she cared about? Holy tantrum, Batman. “Some think I’m overreacting with cutting off funds for the wedding, while others agree that my sister crossed a line and needed the wake up call.”

HOW. The. F**K. are you overreacting!? You know the term “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you? She bit your hand and you’re still paying her RENT?? GTFOH -thanks for the Star Trek references, that made it fun! ALSO can we TALK about the low-key homophobia!? Like YIKES

Apprehensive_War9612 −  First of all you do recognize your sister is h**ophobic, correct? Her comments about you were never meant to have a child in the first place because you’re married to a woman is reeking of homophobia. If I were Honey, I would completely be unwilling to financially support your sister at this point.

Secondly, everything she said about your child was not only beyond inappropriate and cruel, but is a clear indication of jealousy. You are financially supporting her. You’re paying for her rent. And now you’re paying for her wedding. Your sister views you as an ATM.

Not a sibling. And her feelings toward your daughter are clearly driven by a jealousy and a fear that your money won’t be hers as freely because you’re supporting your child.. NTA

TiKi_Effect −  NTA. A am surprised you did point out that the “only mistake I have made, was to think you were a loving aunt and sister”. She does not see you as a person, she sees you as money. I bet she is upset you adopted your girl because now how will she inherited anything?

She said you shouldn’t even have a child, like I you never could have wanted to adopt, or maybe you or your wife wanted a donor sperm? No she thought because you married a woman you would never have kids, then your money would be given to her and your other siblings.

SomeGuyInTheUK −  Id have cancelled her rent payments out of my bank via phone whist in the uber.. NTA.

Imaginary-Yak-6487 −  NTA. Sister is a h**ophobic, child hating b**ch. She can f**k all the way off. Frankly, I’d stop paying her rent if I were you. She insulted you, your wife, your child. Then threw stuff, pushed her way through your wife, putting her hands on her. B**ch is 30, acting worse than a two yr old.

Quirky_Independent79 −  NTA one little bit. Your child is first and foremost. You were being super generous to offer to pay for the wedding and she’s being a child and/or a bridezilla. Please know you did the right thing.

Ok_Boysenberry_7535 −  Here I was doing my regular reddit doomscroll and THIS HAPPENED. Now I need to punch a fern or something abd pretend it’s your sister. Jesus. Has she always seen Decker this way? Is she mean to her? Also for f**k sake has she always been h**ophobic?

SailorBlackStar −  Aw HELL NO. But during a bachelorette dinner I set up, she made a hurtful comment about my daughter, calling her a “mistake” and saying I “shouldn’t have taken her in.” I stared at her and asked her what she meant and she said it wasn’t like I was supposed to even have kids, as I am married to another woman

– then said “no hate or anything” and laughed but then she doubled down that Decker is likely damaged and a handful. 1. What business of it is hers? None-ya. 2. Shouldn’t have taken her in? Why? Whats so wrong with it? 3. “No hate or anything?” Sure about that, dear? 4. Sounds like your sister is the “damaged” one.

HeWhoHasNoCare −  NTA, I never comment on this sub but holy moly! And condolences on your losses, OP. I hope you’re doing okay.
INFO: did she help caretaking for your parents?

The Redditor faced a difficult choice to protect their daughter’s dignity and well-being over continuing to support their sister’s wedding plans. Do you think the decision to withdraw financial support was justified, or should the Redditor have taken a different approach? Share your thoughts and insights in the comments below!

For those who want to read the sequel:

Part 2: https://aita.pics/PoaRC

Part 3: https://aita.pics/XQUuo